Different from everyone else

[EDM21]

Hi,
I have a history of depression and anxiety since adolescence.(Currently on medication) I am now 22 years old and on the outside my life seems great. I'm physically healthy, have a job, finishing my master's degree and have great family. But.. I feel I'll never be free from depression and I believe it all surrounds my 'eye'.
Long story short... I have ROP, my retina detached in my right eye due to the over abundance of oxygen. I was born three months early due to my mothers appendix rupturing. I was a LBW baby and have had many health problems growing up. Most problems are invisible to others, but my right eye has not grown and wanders.. so when I was 15, I went to an Occularist and got a cosmetic shell put over my real eye to make it look better. My friends and family tell me it looks great and they can't tell.. but I CAN and I know their lying. It is never going to look normal and I accept I got dealt a rough hand and can't change it even so.. I still dwell on it constantly and feel sorry for myself. This causes me to have low self-esteem and I have been avoiding men because what man will love a woman with a prosthetic eye? They could do better. When I take it out at night.. my real eye doesn't look too bad but either way.. I'm weird.
My question is.. put yourself in my shoes for a sec.. would you be able to tell a man or woman that you have a "fake" eye and no vision in that eye. It is noticeable as it doesn't track as fast as my left eye and the pupil doesn't dilate. I fear I will die alone and never have a boyfriend.. these men that I date don't ever know the 'real' me and I hate this anxiety and burden I didn't ask for, but most of all I hate feeling different from everyone else.

Will I ever stop asking myself, "What if?" What if my mom went to the doctor when she had stomach pains.. I wouldn't have been born early. If I didn't have LBW and ROP maybe I could've been smarter? These thoughts drive me insane!

My therapist and parents always say it could be worst and refer to things like, "I was in the grocery store the other day and saw a person without a limb". Or like "you can't change it, so get over it." "Be honest with the men you date and if they don't except you, there not worth it."
Not to sound selfish.. but can't they just think about ME and not compare. It's not the same! Things can always be worse.. I can be dead and sometimes I think it is easier if I were. Everything is my life has been difficult from my heath to learning difficulties to bad luck. Ugh
Sorry, I just needed to write some thoughts down and somewhat let go of this secret I've been caring around.

[Princessdaniella]

You are more than welcome and if You ever need to talk or need support feel free to message me anytime.
I completely understand where You're coming from and unfortunately you are right the world is not the best place with its influences and thoughts about people having to be a certain size and look a certain way etc to be beautiful.
But You're beautiful, just keep working on your depression =)

[remar]

I had an aunt that was born without her left hand. She was incredibly beautiful but always tried to hide her arm from people she did'nt know, or when pictures were taken. We never even noticed that she was missing her hand. We just knew that she was so sweet, smart and beautiful on the inside. She married a very wonderful man that loved her with all of his heart. They were married for more than 50 years and had 3 children.
We're all different in some way. It makes us unique. You sound like a very caring special person and I know one day, when your ready, you'll find the right man for you. Take care. Remar

[EDM21]

Thank you everyone for the comments and advice. It's much appreciated. It's hard to hear mammo's comment, eventhough all points are very true and I can completely relate to MMahon because I am a Special Education teacher and work with children who have physical/ developmental delays and this career puts my life into perspective everyday. I feel guilty for being so negative in my thoughts with my personal problems, when these kids are struggling with many issues and have great attitudes ( for the most part).
Thank you Princessdaniella for empathizing with me and I do need to work on my depression. Mieny-- thank you.. very good point. I guess I look at it as a weakness from within, but it is just something that happened.

I will continue to manage my depression and hope to eventually be honest and open up to a man so I can be true to myself. It's just scary because we live in such a superficial world... I don't care if I'm 5 pounds heavier or my make-up looks good, etc. I just want my eyes to look somewhat the same...like everyone else's.

I hope you all are doing well :)
Thanks again

[Princessdaniella]

It must be difficult to be going through this and I can understand why You would want to write this all down and I think it was a great idea to write it down and get it out.
You are currently suffering the depression and that is the cause for these strong thoughts about Your appearance and all these other overwhelming thoughts.
You need to get treated for the depression before You can see the true beauty You have. You can get better and You will but these negative thoughts about never getting better, you having bad luck (even though I understand) are not going to help You get better.

[MMahon]

mammo gave great advice.
Work on improving your depression and anxiety and eveything else will improve as well.
I always go so pissed at myself when I see people who are in wheelchairs or are blind, etc. and they have such great attitudes and are so positive about life.  I feel like such an incredible weakling.  However, I've come to realize that it's all about how one FEELS.
If you feel like crap all the time nothing else seems to much matter.
If your depression improves so will your outlook on life, so will how others see you, and so will your future.  
There may not be anything you can do about your eye that you haven't already done.
But I'm betting there is a lot more you can do about your depression and in MY opinion it is
by far the more serious of the two by far.
Thanks for sharing and know you are not alone.  Good luck.

[mammo]

You need to concentrate more on what's inside, that is who a man will fall in love with.  You are very fortunate in so many ways, and to let this eye thing affect you this way is not fair to yourself.  You need to meet others who are truly disfigured to appreciate how fortunate you truly are.  If a man can't look past your eye, why would you want him?  Yes, things can always be worse and you have to believe this and be grateful for all you do have.  Your early birth was not your mother's fault, it is what it is.  It doesn't sound like you are going to believe what anyone tells you, as you haven't so far.  So long as you live your life always thinking "what if" you will never move forward, you're just stuck. I think you've been given good advice, and you need to take it for what it's worth.  Work on what's inside you, beauty comes from within.  

[mieny]

   Your situation is not the results of genetics but of a premature birth.  You will be able to prevent this in the future and there is a bright future for you.  
  There are many that misconceive the ideal of beauty.  However, there are a few and far between that can see beyond the naked eye.  When you find the right person, he will accept you and love you.