depressing thoughts leading to suicidal thoughts

[chrisjavier]

hi guys, im an 18 year old guy who just graduated high school.
i've always had a problem with depression throughout my life. i grew up in an abusive household where my dad beat us.
ever since i was in 1st grade i've had sucidial thoughts. but the thing is, i've never told anyone. i've always held my emotions and pain all within. i never told my family.

this brings me to where i am now. later in life i fell madly in love with this girl for 3 years. my life hasnt been all that great til i met her. it seemed like i finally found that angel i was looking for to save me from my depression.  my friends said that she not a good person and she had her own depression. i was there for her, as much as she was there for me.
i actually saved her from committing suicide.

but recently , she broke up with me. after 3 years of my soul which was given to her. she found a a boyfriend 2 weeks later. not only that shes inviting the entire school to a party. and the one person in the school not invited, is me.
like i've been really depressed, and just recently i've been sucidial. yesterday i tried.
because of my depression i've been experimenting with alot of drugs like pot, tylenol pm , and alot of benadryl.
these all calm me because they make me sleepy. i like to sleep, because its an escape from reality and pain.

i want to live, but i dont want to. please somoene , help me. please.

[Mefromfl317]

Chris....drugs are not the answer to your problem. All that's going to do is give you a temporary high and you might feel better for a little while; but it's not going to solve anything.   You're just spinning your wheels Chris.  You're not trying to help yourself.  You're too busy feeling sorry for yourself to get off your *** and change your attitude. Why hang on to something if all it's going to do is bring you down?  You said it yourself in your last answer to me.  "She doesn't deserve to be happy, but i do".  Then forget her and concentrate on YOU !!!!   God's not the one fu@%$#g with you....YOU are the one that is making your own life miserable.  
OK....I'm going to talk to you man to man.....the only thing you have lost is a girl that you think you loved very much.  Did you truly love her or is it a hormone thing????
I lost a son.....yes a son.  Not a gf, bf, or whatever.  I lost my son at 9 years old.  Now THAT is a loss Chris !!!!   YOU can replace a gf/bf or whatever...you can't replace a son.
So you think you are depressed?  I have had to deal with my loss for years.  Every year his birthday comes around; don't you think that I think about him?   You bet your sweet *** I do.  Every year the date of his death comes around; don't you think that I think about him?   Hell yes I do.  But I have learned to live with it. I think of all the good times we had together.  The love we shared. MOVE ON CHRIS !!!!!!   it's over...get that through your head.  Nothing you can do or no matter how depressed you stay; if it's not meant to be, it's not going to happen.  So....tomorrow morning when you wake up....sit on the side of your bed, wait til your morning wood has gone away (lol) and tell yourself you are going to have a good day.  You are going to MAKE IT a good day.  You WILL NOT think negative thoughts.
Chris...if I was there with you....I would first  smack you in the face....then when you look at me as if to say "what in hell did you do that for?"  I would tell you to snap out of it and go make yourself a good day.  Then I would give you a big hug and tell you that it isn't God fu&%$g with you....it's the devil and you are letting him win !!!!   You've got to kick satan's *** to the curb.  Go and have yourself a good life.  After you kick satan to the curb and tell him outloud that you are not putting up with his ****.....you drop to your knees and thank God for giving you the strength to do that !!!  Then go live your life like it should be lived.  |
Chris.....you have people that care about you.... I'm not sure why; but I am one of those people.  I don't even know you; but I have grown to have feelings for you; because I know the hurt you have gone through.  It's time Chris.  It's time to put all of this behind you.  Look for the finer things in life.  Don't live for yesterday.  That's GONE !!!  You can't do anything about it.  Plan for what's coming up TODAY !!!  only YOU can control your life.  Don't let outsiders take the wheel and steer you off a cliff.  YOU grab the wheel, hug the curves, slow down and enjoy your life and when the day is done, you drive home to be within yourself.  Get up the next day and do it all over again.   It's your call !!!!  Live your life like you want to live it.  Not like someone else wants you to live it.

                                                                           PEACE<  your bud,  DENNIS

[chrisjavier]

she doesnt deserve to be happy, but i do.
but no, God continuosly ***** with me.
i resort to drugs just to ******* help me.
im so ******* pissed at how depressed i am.

[Mefromfl317]

Hi Chris. Long time no speekie... Chris...don't be ashamed of the fact that you smoked. Everybody deals with stressful situations differently. If that is all you are doing is smoking a little pot, then so be it.  Just don't go overboard and get into a bunch of hard drugs.  That will only make the situation harder.  Look my friend....you have GOT to move on.  I never said it would be easy; but life isn't easy either.  Like I said before; show her that you are happy for her.  I know that might not be the easiest thing for you to do either; but not only will it show her that you are a man with true feelings for her, it will also set a motion going in YOUR mind that you accept the fact that she is with someone else for now.  There is a old saying:  "If you love something let it go. If it comes back, love it forever.  If it doesn't....it wasn't meant to be."  Chris....I know you hurt; but it's time you man up and face the fact that not all you want is meant for you to have.  In a perfect world; we could just walk down the street, see someone we think we want, go up to them and tell them we want them and take them home forever.  That's not the way it works.  Unfortunately....we have to deal with a two way thing here.  You love her, she loves someone else.  She may still have feelings for you; but if you do something stupid, like showing your bad side and trying to hurt her or her new bf or yourself; she will just think that you are a weak person and not someone that she needs. Show her that YOU are the man you are and that you can accept loss.  Show her that you care for her by letting her know that you are happy that she is happy.  Chris...you never know how things are going to turn out.  She may find something out about this new guy that she doesn't like and see that she had it better with you.  Don't give up on yourself.  You have to be strong and keep hope in your heart that if it is meant to be; it will be.  If not Chris, then you MUST move on and find someone that WILL work out for you.  She is not the only fish in the sea.  But if you just sit around moping on the dock instead of going out fishing; you will never catch anything.
Chris....again I wish you all the best and I hope and pray that you continue on trying to live a successful life, counting your losses.  We all have to do it.  You are not; by far the only guy to have lost love.  Please keep in touch and like I said before if you need me, I will be here for you.  Good luck my friend.                  PEACE

[chrisjavier]

i havent replied in a while because i feel ashamed that i've smoke everyday.so much for being sober.

[Mefromfl317]

Chris....I know it's easy for others to tell you what to try to do to help yourself get over your loss and you should listen and take the advice of those people who have gone through similar losses; but only YOU know exactly what your feelings are and how difficult it truly is to get over your friend.  I'm not saying it's going to be easy....it sure wasn't easy at all for me; but you have to move on.  If for no other reason than your own sanity.  Chris; you sound like you really loved your friend and that is very admirable; but try to think of it this way.  You can't make someone love someone else; if they don't.  Obviously, your friend has found someone she loves more and that is sad for you; but if you TRULY love that friend, show her that you are happy for her that she found someone.  Sometimes that helps let the lost friend know just how much you do care about them.  Who knows maybe she will see that and know in her heart that you really do care for her and it might plant a seed in her heart.  Try to keep yourself busy thinking of other things that can make you happy.  Keep your mind occupied with thoughts other than of her.  I'm not saying totally forget her.  If you really love her, you will NEVER forget her; but try not to sit and dwell on her.  You are going through a very tough transition.  Losing someone you love is never an easy thing to do; but YOU have to put a lot of effort into keeping YOURSELF healthy; both mentally and physically, by trying to move on.  Chris....if you need to talk to someone at any time; please feel free to e-mail me at ***@****.   I really feel for you; because I know exactly what you are going through and if I can help in ANY way; I want to do just that.  We can break bones in our body and it hurts; but NOTHING hurts worse than a broken heart. I've been there.....Chris I am really sincere in saying that if you need me; I will be here for you.  I am not sure why your story has touched my heart so much more than so many others similar to yours; but it has and I want to try to help if I can. Chris.....use me if you need to.  I would be most happy to try to help you deal with your feelings.   PEACE bro.

[chrisjavier]

i wish ..
but now i just moved out of home.
i just moved into my dorm.
and now im all alone, and now i have the worst and hardest of nightmares of her haunting me.
i wish i had someone there to lean on. my soul feel likes i need someone.