depressing thoughts leading to suicidal thoughts

[chrisjavier]

hi guys, im an 18 year old guy who just graduated high school.
i've always had a problem with depression throughout my life. i grew up in an abusive household where my dad beat us.
ever since i was in 1st grade i've had sucidial thoughts. but the thing is, i've never told anyone. i've always held my emotions and pain all within. i never told my family.

this brings me to where i am now. later in life i fell madly in love with this girl for 3 years. my life hasnt been all that great til i met her. it seemed like i finally found that angel i was looking for to save me from my depression.  my friends said that she not a good person and she had her own depression. i was there for her, as much as she was there for me.
i actually saved her from committing suicide.

but recently , she broke up with me. after 3 years of my soul which was given to her. she found a a boyfriend 2 weeks later. not only that shes inviting the entire school to a party. and the one person in the school not invited, is me.
like i've been really depressed, and just recently i've been sucidial. yesterday i tried.
because of my depression i've been experimenting with alot of drugs like pot, tylenol pm , and alot of benadryl.
these all calm me because they make me sleepy. i like to sleep, because its an escape from reality and pain.

i want to live, but i dont want to. please somoene , help me. please.

[pattifan]

Hi,

Things have been really tough for you lately, but you really aren't alone. We've all been there.

I'm really sorry to hear about your relationship break up. It will hurt badly, but you'll find it'll hurt less as time goes on.

Some of the drugs you're using really aren't very wise. Although marijuana is calming it can also make you more depressed. It can also aggravate suicidal thought and cause paranoia. Not a great combination.

The benadryl is sedating, but it also causes paradoxical agitation and twitching of the limbs.

There are far better natural meds that could help you but I can't recommend any, because I dont know what other medications you are on.

Are you already on antidepressants? If not you need to see your doctor as soon as possible.

Talking helps too. Do you have anyone that you are close enough to, to discuss your feelings face to face.

I've been where you are just now, and I can reassure you that your life will get better.

Stay strong.

[chrisjavier]

..thank god..
i've been waiting for a reply,
im just really scared. and um.. i dont want to tell my parents because they'll just think im crazy. my last option is antidepressants.. because i dont want to become dependent on them. im scared to tell anyone, really.
the way people percieve me, scares me. especially my family.

[chrisjavier]

i've been really scared every moment of the day, every moment im awake. i imagine somehow or someway i can end my life. for example, i'll be walking to my balcony. and i see my life flash as if i jumped off the balcony.
i feel lifeless throughout the day, spending most of my time locked in my room crying. what do i do? no one seems to understand me, or even realize how much pain im under.

[pattifan]

OK then.. here's what I think you need to know.

Antidepressants don't need to cause dependency, and you won't be on them for life. There are many many different kinds and only a doctor can decide which is the best one for you. There are many that have few side effects and don't cause dependency of have a withdrawal syndrome. You'll know which the bad ones are if you've been reading around on the list.

Over my lifetime, I've had about 5 courses of an antidepressant called Trazodone. This is a sedating antidepressant for folk who also suffer from anxiety. Some other antidepressants are stimulating for folk who are completely demotivated.  The only side effect I've ever has is a slightly dry mouth when I wake up in the morning. I've never had to be on them for more than a year and coming off them has never been an issue.

What they HAVE done is transform me from a gibbering wreck, who never wanted to get out of bed in the morning, and who, like you, often contemplated suicide, into a normal, functioning and much happier individual with an interest in life again!

I used to be worried that they would change my personality; make me into a different person that wasn't the real me, and affect my flair, intellect and creativity. How wrong I was! They actually helped me find the real me again, and I was able to concentrate and use my intellect to the full.

I'm not saying that you HAVE to take antidepressants, but you shouldn't be frightened of them. There's also talk therapies like counselling and cognitive behavioural therapies, but in my opinion the antidepressants are needed first, to get you out of the dark place you're in just now.  They do take up to a month to work, so if you're willing to consider them, I would see your doctor as soon as you can.

There is a natural antidepressant called 5HTP which you can get from healthfood stores or online but I suspect it might be too mild for where you are just now. Another good one is the herb St John's Wort which you can get from the same sources, but you do have to be careful as it can interact with other antidepressants.

I would still urge you to see your doctor. Even if you're determined to avoid antidepressants, you can still talk about all the other options.

Hope some this helps a little bit.

[chrisjavier]

thank you .it will help me, so what do i do ?  will those things really just take the edge off of things, and brighten things up? im thinking of just taking over the counter antidepressants..and if things to worsen i'll go to a doctor..
but idk..
should i talk to her again?i feel that she was the only person that i could talk to .. and cope with the pain that i dealt with daily. as much as she ruined me as a person, i feel that she could rebuild me?
thank you so much for taking your time into this, i appreciate your time.

[pattifan]

My personal feeling is that the OTC remedies may not be enough to lift you from where you are now.

I think you should see your family doctor. You can just talk to him/her and if you're not happy with their advice you're not compelled to take it.

As for talking to your ex, well you probably know best since you know her well, but I can see two possible dangers here.

One, is that if she's settled into a new relationship, she may just see you as a nuisance or a burden, which certainly wont make you feel any better.  Two... I wonder if you're really hoping that the two of you might get back together. If so, that road could just lead to more heartbreak.

I really do hope you'll consider talking to a doctor though. If you've been having suicidal thoughts it doesn't get a lot worse than that. I think you do need help.

Take care

[pattifan]

Just one more thought.

If you really don't have anyone you feel you can confide in, go to your nearest church.
It doesn't matter a bit whether you believe in a god or not. Speak to the priest/minister/vicar or whoever.

That's what they're there for and what they get paid for. also they aren't allowed to divulge anything you say to them in confidence.

I work in a hospital, and there have been times when things have been rough I've gone to see the chaplain. He doesn't preach at me. He's there to listen and advise. Sometimes just getting it all off your chest to a total stranger who doesn't judge you is a great relief.

[chrisjavier]

the thing is , im just really scared to reach out because ive been so used to talking to my ex.
and i feel like no one TRULY understands me. i feel like people can only give me advice , but cant really do anything about it. i just feel scared taht people will just deny me. throughout my life , i've been religious but i've been really skeptical about it lately, and i've been doubting it. so im unsure of what or who i can talk to. i have bad relations with my father, and my mom..well i dont want to worry her.

[pattifan]

Maybe people don't understand you because you're reluctant to let them in.

You can talk in comfort to a priest or whoever, because they don't care whether you're religious or not, and you can bet that whatever you tell them, they've heard it a hundred times before.

Same with your doctor.He or she probably won't truly understand you, but they will have experienced similar cases thousands of times in the course of their career, plus they have an armoury of weapons at their disposal that can truly help you.

The more you tell me, the more I really feel you should see your family doctor. I'd just hate to think that in 5 years time you'll be thinking to yourself 'why didn't I do this years ago. I could have spared myself all that pain'.

Consider it please.

Take care

[pattifan]

Still think you should see that doctor!

How are you doing today?

[chrisjavier]

i've been still depressed, sad and gloomy. its still very had for me to get out of bed.
right now i'm just trying to find a direction and a reason to strive for achievement,
yesterday was very different. for some reason i had glimpses of happiness, and i actually smiled. it felt like the light was brighter than usual.

however today, i woke up ..and felt like garbage. i began taking the 5htp and st johns.
the 5htp has a very relaxing feel to it.

and to this date, i'm 10 days sober. its a very odd feeling and a weird way for me to look at life.

thanks for your time againn

[pattifan]

Hi

Congratulations on your 10 days!

Yes, the 5HTP is very relaxing and I'm very glad you're finding it a help. It will probably take a while longer until you feel the benefit of the St John's Wort.

The fact that you had a good day yesterday is a good sign. We all have our good and bad days, but hopefully the bad one's will be milder and less frequent.

My only concern is that if your depression is severe, it may take more than the OTC remedies to help lift it. i.e. you may require a prescribed antidepressant. However, I've made that point before, and of course it's your choice whether or not to see a doctor. The one thing that I would like ask is that if you should start having suicidal thoughts again, please see your doctor immediately.

I was also wondering,if you were just as depressed before you became sober, or did this episode start when you became sober?

I'm really glad to see that you're more settled.

Try to stay strong because time IS a great healer.

Take care

[chrisjavier]

i never really thought about it..but i was depressed, but the drugs and alcohol all amplified my pain.
the suicidal thoughts have subsided, and its been the first day where i've stayed home alone and away from substances and thinking of hurting myself.
i dont know , could it be the 5htp already working? yesterday was odd, i had an underlying smile underneath all this sadness.
still scared, but sobriety's just very different and im really not used to it.
im just so used to running away from my problems, it gave me an outlet to escape from reality and numb myself from sadness.

so now, its hitting me really hard becaue im sober and have nothing to run to .
its all catching up to me.
i want to say im on a rise, but i dont want to speak to soon .

[chrisjavier]

and for some reason, music does alot of weird things to me.
music directly affects my mood.
it brings memories, make me sad and even more depressed.

but i dont wanna listen to happy music, and especially love songs.
i listen to sad music because matches me..and i can relate to it.

[pattifan]

Hi Chris,

What you say is interesting, because I can't help but wonder of your acute element of depression is due due to withdrawal from drugs and alcohol.  It often is part of the withdrawal syndrome, and if you were depressed beforehand I would think the withdrawal syndrome is very likely to have exacerbated it.

That's good news, because at 10 days you should soon be starting to feel a bit better, and from what you say, perhaps that's already happening.

Aside from music you could look out a pile of your favourite DVD's or rent some new ones out. They always make a good distraction. Exercise is really helpful too. I appeciate you won't feel very motivated to do it right now, but even a short walk in the fresh air every day is therapeutic and helps to start establishing a normal routine.

Do you have a friend locally that you trust and who you might feel able to talk to about all this? Just letting it all out can be a great release.

I'm happy to see that you're hanging on in there and that your mood does seem to be gradually improving.

Thinking of you

[chrisjavier]

im starting believe that it may have been that the drugs and alchohol..and my brains still coping with sobreity. its going to be 11 days of sobriety, and its been a ride. i do have friends who are close to me, but i feel like this everyday..and everytime i tell them im not feeling good..they're getting annoyed, and dont want to put up with me like this.
they miss the old me, more than i do. the past 2 days have been just weird, and idk that i've been liking it.
i still feel like my hearts been torn completely apart. and today i woke up and starting crying.
the second i wake up each mornign is what really hurts, and its the hardest point of my day becaues i have to find a reason to wake up, to be alive.
idk , i feel like it wont be very long until i relapse.

[pattifan]

Chris,

I'm happy for you today (sounds stupid I know), but I really think you're getting somewhere.

You have definitely turned a corner since your first post, and I also think you've identified the cause of your depression.

I really hope you feel able to stay strong, because 11 days clean is such a tremendous achievement.

Now, I have a reasonable knowledge of drug problems but very little knowledge of alcohol problems, so I would urge you to go on to the Addiction- Substance abuse forum, and talk to us there. Particularly talk to Gnarly_1 and IBKleen who have a wealth of knowledge in this area.

Not only them, but everyone on that forum can give you a huge amount of help, advice and support. I think you'll find it more appropriate for you than this forum.

Take care

[chrisjavier]

its been a long 12 days.
and yesterday, i was actually happy. i spent my entire day with my friends, and actually felt happiness. i smiled.

but today, i woke up. feeling sick, sad , and all the more depressed.
i feel like i woke up with a hangover, and losing a high.

i feel incredibly weak, sad. i dont know why.
why doesnt this feeling of happiness just carry over?

and i dont know, still temptations to end my sobriety is still too tempting.

[pattifan]

Hi Chris,

I still think your depression is a withdrawal symptom.

Yesterday's experience shows that it can be controlled by distraction.

If you feel up to it, go to your nearest healthfood shop tomorrow and get some 5HTP. It's not a magic cure but it can help lift your mood, and I think any support for you now is a bonus.

I know how badly you must feel like going out and getting hammered, but it isn't a solution. It's a short term fix, which would leave you back at square one, and eventually having to go through all this again.

Can you distract yourself tonight and tomorrow? There's no harm spending time with friends if it doesn't involve drink/drugs. Otherwise how about laying in your favourite DVD's or even just going for a walk in the fresh air. Exercise does help if you feel up to it, in fact, even if you have to force yourself to do it.

Keep hanging in there.

Thinking of you

[pattifan]

Also- there's more posts for you on the addictions forum- wasn't sure if you check both.
Take care

[bbaggins]

Growing up in the teen years can be hard on anyone, and being in the situation you were in probably made them even harder.

However, since you are 18 now, consider that a new door has opened, and that new opportunities abound.

Life, in a sense, is just beginning for you as an adult. So, take this opportunity to do a "self reboot", if you will, and start life beginning today. What's in the past cannot be changed, but what's in your future has yet to be set before you, and is something you CAN change.

Don't live in the past, but do live for tomorrow.

[chrisjavier]

im trying to live in the present.
but these choices are hard.
all i want now is to be loved, and to love someone.
the suicidal thoughts died out.
my love for drugs is fading..
now i want real tangible love.
the love that was missing from my past relationship.

[Mefromfl317]

Hi Chris.  I am new to this Med Help Forum; but I couldn't help but be totally captivated by your situation.  I was diagnosed with cronic depression 30 years ago. I am still on anti-depressants; but only because I DO HAVE a chemical imbalance in my brain and they seem to help me.  I have been exactly where you are. I lost someone that was very close to me. I wanted to die and tried committing suicide twice; but have finally moved past that stage.  I wish I lived near you; because I feel like I could be a good shoulder for you to lean on.  We have had similar situations happen to us both. I know it's difficult to get rid of the thoughts of your friend; but you HAVE TO move on.  Dwelling on her will only keep you in the same rut you are in.  I had to actually burn all pictures, letters, anything I had that reminded me of my friend, to help me get over my loss. It's not an easy task; but it is something that you need to do.  Find someone that you can talk to.  Go to parks, the ocean, places where people like to sit and think.  You may find someone that is willing to share their thoughts with you and you can do the same.  I find great solice in the ocean. I don't know where you live; but if you are near the ocean....it is quite calming.  I feel at one with God there.  The ocean is my church.  I can go there and talk to God or just talk to the air ( in a secluded place of course) or someone will think you are nuts. But just talking whether there is someone there or not can sometimes be very theraputic.  Being a teen in this generation is very difficult. I wouldn't want to be a teen now for anything.  I really feel sad for this generation and feel somewhat responsible for the state that our world is in. Our generation really screwed up and let this country and the rest of the world go to poop. You seem like a great guy and I really do with there was more I could do to help you. I am a great listener.  I actually talked my son's friend out of committing suicide on the phone.  He called my son in the middle of the night saying he wanted to die and was going to commit suicide. My son came in and woke me up.  I got on the phone with his friend and talked him down.  I went to see him the next day and we spent the whole day together.  We grew quite fond of each other after that and he started spending alot of time at our home.  He started calling me dad.  I must admit I loved it.  To this day; he is a very successful young man and he always keeps in touch with me.  
Chris....I want you to make me a promise that you will NEVER try to take your own life again.  It takes a real man to cope with his problems and a coward to run away from them. I learned it the hard way.  I almost succeeded on my second attempt.  They brought me back go life and I'm glad they did.  Sure I'm not the happiest man in the world; but if I can help just one other person, like you, to achieve a feeling of success in coping with the problems that life throws at you; then I am happy.  

I wish you all the luck and love in the world Chris.  PEACE be with you.    

[chrisjavier]

i wish ..
but now i just moved out of home.
i just moved into my dorm.
and now im all alone, and now i have the worst and hardest of nightmares of her haunting me.
i wish i had someone there to lean on. my soul feel likes i need someone.