husband with severe depression

[angela167]

Hi my husband has severe depression. We have been married 10 years.my husband is so nice to people out side our home but in our home speaks to me terrible or avoids me for days , Im not aloud to touch , hus him.He doesnt hug me or anything else.he is on medication. He always makes out its my fault.He doesnt have children his family isnt a real family family. I have 3 adult children infront of people he speaks nice about them . to me he says nasty things  as he knows ill get up set .Ive said ill go back with him to the counciller he says no that he doesnt have a problem .y blood pressure is going up and have told drs why . he says that right just blame me .he constantly behind closed doors  makes me feel like ****. People in the community say what a wonderful husband i have .grrr

[angela167]

Thankyou for your comments  sometimes i feel like i live alone thanks angela

[swabes]

Oh dear, I am guilty of the same thing as your husband when I'm down. I am not condoning his behaviour but I will try my best to maybe make sense of it for you.
It is very easy to behave this way to the ones you love, because we know they will put up with the **** and the tough times. When I am down I am pretty much the same. I do not talk and if someone tries to get me to I become angry and upset. I hate to be touched and I lock myself away so I don't have to plaster a smile on for people when I feel terrible inside.
He is taking you forgranted and I'm sure deep down he is aware of this.

Are things so bad that you cant confront him about this? You are clearly very caring and have done well to stick by him. I think he needs to go back to his doctors and talk over his options, try your best to make him aware that the behaviour he is displaying is not okay for him and most importantly NOT okay for you and your kids. It sounds like a negative environment to live in, it sounds like you're pulling all the weight and that's not what marriage is about.

I'm sorry things are like this for you, I really do understand how frustrating and worrying it can be when someone you love will not open up, I drive my fiance crazy because I'm like your husband.
I hope all goes well for you, hang in there!

[specialmom]

Oh yes, this IS annoying, isn't it?  We all do this to a certain extent . . . put on a facade for the public while showing our true colors with those we are supposed to be closest to.   He clearly is concerned about appearences and keeps his unkind, nasty self hidden.  Special just for you, right?  Ugh.

Well, first---  just because he won't go to therapy doesn't mean you shouldn't.  I'd see a therapist all on your own.  You need an outlet and help to cope with the unhappiness and discontent in your relationship.  So, set up an appointment.

I would tape record him during one of his tyrades.  Then let him listen to himself.  He'll flip out but this is a really good way to bring it home to someone that they are being a jerk.  (would't recommend that if he is physically abusive though).

And then hon, I have to ask you, what is keeping you there?  I'm a huge advocate for marriage and think one should do their very best to stay married . . .  but you don't have kids together and it sounds like this may be affecting your own health.  That just isn't good.

Could you seperate?  I'm not telling you to do that, but I'd start to think in terms of exactly how long you are going to be willing to live like this.  

Take out the human nature part that we are ALL different in front of other people ---  and think about how he treats YOU on a regular basis.  That is the key.  If it is terrible, set a time frame for it to get better and have a plan if it doesn't.  

Depression can make someone challenging but it is not an excuse for mistreating our spouse.  

I wish you luck and peace.