just need help

[Miss_Albright22813]

Hi everyone. I'm 23 years old. And, well, I'm not really one to put my business out there for strangers, but, I need some opinions.
I have been suffering from severe anxiety and depression since June 2014 after I was raped by a police officer right outside of my door to my home. I haven't been to a therapist or a psychologist or a psychiatrist or anything like that yet for an evaluation or for medicine to help with my symptoms. But, I am making an appointment this week, finally, after building up the courage to tell a doctor about my problems. (Due to the fact that I've been so embarrassed about what happened to me). So, my question is, what would be the best medicine to seek for anxiety and panic attacks and some depression issues? I was given diazepam from a family member and they helped ALOT. But, how would I go about telling a doctor that those are what I want? :/
Please help.
Thank you everyone.

[nursegirl6572]

Just checking in on you.  I hope you're able to stop back in to post an update...let us know how you're doing hon.  We're all here for you.  Don't go it alone.

Hope to hear from you again.

[CRSeaside]

I agree with nurse. Even if nothing happened lack of sleep leads to psychosis.
   If you can go inpatient I believe it will be most helpful. They'll be able to get you on appropriate meds. Then keep an eye on your recovery.
  Next best if your ins doesn't cover maybe outpatient hospital. You stay all day and go home at night. I'll be praying for a great outcome for you.

[persephonedemeter]

I think i would like to make a private response to you, because of what you went through and because it is a very sensitive issue for you, and, honestly, it is for me as well. I can share with you some insights, only I don't want to do it on a public forum. Some info may be practically helpful to you and others will be. relief to you that someone else went through the same thing. It's one thing knowing about it, but it is a totally different level of knowing when you experience it, I know the anxiexty and fear you are experience, that is very real.

You are not going crazy. It's a "crazy making" and feels so insane, especially for what you had to deal with. I know this sounds weird, but what you are experiencing is normal. I want to let you know that. Going this alone is really hard, especially when you feel very vulnerable, and it can feel very isolating and "out of touch." It probably cannot  touch you yet, but don't doubt yourself. You did all the right things and you are a brave and courageous woman, because I know it wasn't easy, and that's an understatement.

It will get better, but it will involve taking good care of yourself and using resoucres, help and self-help to make you feel safe and allow you to live without fear and put that shadow not on you or before you but in back of you,  it happened when I was around your age, and that was decades ago. I am glad you know that anti-anxiety meds like valium doesn't solve anything but does take the edge off feeling the "badness" of it all. It is also very reassuring that you have friends and family caring about what you are going through. I know even doing something as simple as going to or getting out of bed or going to the bathroom can be really anxiety provoking, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror for a long time, and when I did, I would start to cry or get really angry at myself.

I will have to write a message in your message center later, since I basically just started my day and haven't had breakfast yet. Just go to your "My Medhelp" page and my response will be there. I will respond to you today.

[nursegirl6572]

Aw honey, you're really struggling so bad.  Not sleeping, not eating, and being in a constant state of panic is a crisis situation IMO.  Your plate is WAY too full with WAY too many things.

Can you call your PCP and ask to be seen urgently?  My opinion is that you would really benefit from a short inpatient psych admission.  The MAIN reason, beyond the fact that you're experiencing debilitating anxiety and depression and not functioning, is that you can get a jump start on some intensive help, in an environment where you feel safe.  You can accomplish that through your PCP, or by even directly calling a hospital (preferably one that specializes in psychiatric care).

Don't get hung up on the thought of a psych admission.  It's really not like what most people think, and in some situations, it really is indicated.  Plus, if you chose to go that route, your admission would be voluntary, it's not like you would be locked away.  

You need some support, and attention to not only your mental health, but your physical health as well sweetie.  You've been through a horrible horrible trauma, no wonder you feel like you do!  Like you said, we're supposed to rely on police officers to protect us, not hurt us.  That really affects your basic idea of safety and protection.  

Please consider what I've said.  A hospitalization would do you a world of good.  They could get you started on a medication regimen, get you eating and sleeping and feeling better overall....while getting MUCH needed emotional support.

Please update us when you can, okay?  You're in my thoughts.

[Miss_Albright22813]

Also, I'm really nervous about speaking to people face to face and on the phone. I feel self conscious and embarrassed and like an idiot when I talk because I end up crying and almost hyperventilating just from bringing up this subject. I've found it a lot easier to just type what I want to say and then wait for a response. I'm sure I probably sound dumb, but this is something I've been struggling with since the incident happened.

[Miss_Albright22813]

Also, I want to thank you both for responding so quickly. I apologize for taking SO long to respond. I've had a lot going on and I just lost my job, so things are getting a bit hectic around here!

[Miss_Albright22813]

I also agree that self medicating isn't good for long term, which is another reason that I feel at a loss. The last thing I want to do is mess myself up worse by getting addicted to something that was intended to help me. :( I just don't know what to do anymore. :'(

[Miss_Albright22813]

Actually, I did report it. It went to court and everything. But he walked free. Which is actually a big reason why I feel the way I do because this man is walking amongst us all and it's VERY terrifying to know that. I have constant nightmares about him. I can't even ride down the road without having a panic attack because if I see a police car or an off duty officer, I panic. It's frustrating. A lot of people keep saying it's all in my head, and keep putting me down. And at this point, I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've tried everything I know how and it seems like everything just kind of blows up in my face :/  I haven't slept in 4 days. Every time I close my eyes, I see his face. This happens a lot. So, I'm not sleeping, I'm hardly eating, I cry all the time and I have about 100 panic attacks on any given day. I'm like a little ball of emotions that I have no clue how to control and it's quite frustrating. You know, we are supposed to be able to TRUST our law enforcement officers and not fear them. But they can get away with just about anything without a single consequence. It's really ridiculous. And the man has kids. He is married and has 4 kids. That's another reason for my anxiety. Because I actually worry that this guy is doing his to his children. And then I feel guilt because I obviously didn't do enough to put him behind bars and now those kids are stuck with him.
It's just a big mess. :(   I'm so frustrated! I'm not sure if medication will help, but it's honestly my last option. I've tried everything else possible. I've tried acupuncture, Zen stuff, bible studies, meditation, etc. Etc. Etc. Nothing has helped me. And I have absolutely no one to talk to about this stuff, except for my fiance but he gets so angry when he hears about it because he's so upset that it even happened and he wasn't there to do anything. :(
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Am I crazy?

[nursegirl6572]

I agree with the above.  I would strongly recommend seeking help to work through this trauma.  I also agree that while a short term course of an anti-anxiety medication would maybe be helpful while you're starting therapy, it isn't a long term answer.  If you and your doctor feel a longer term medication is warranted, it's likely that you will discuss starting an antidepressant.

I too am SO sorry you experienced this, and I'm SO glad you had the courage to reach out to talk about it and ask for some help on what to do next.  There IS lots of help out there.  Don't be afraid or ashamed to seek it out sweetie.  

Please update us when you can, let us know how you're doing.  Post anytime, even if you just need an ear.  

[persephonedemeter]

Imthink this is important for you to know. Please read the terms of service carefully before you use the site. You basically said you are private. RAINn stands for Rape Abuse and Incest National Network. The online hotline is the National Sexual Assault Hotline. You may want to opt to use the phone rather than interact online.

[persephonedemeter]

I am really, really sorry to hear you were assaulted. i also understand the embarassment, vulnerability and anxiety. I have a feeling you didn't report it or went to the hospital to get checked out. At the very least, going to the doctor to get examined to make sure you are okay physically, is really important.

I would suggest you go to the doctor with a really good person you trust and feel comfortable with. I can tell you that it is probably a good idea to talk to a woman doctor if possible. It may make you feel more secure. Just to let you know, you can call a rape crisis hotline in your area or one of the national hotlines, before you go to the doctor.  Try RAINN. They are set up in a way that they understand the sensitive nature of what you went through and treat you with the compassion you need. I,would talk to them first so that you don't go in raw and vulnerable, and you know what to do and need to keep you mentally and physically protected. You can contact them or any rape crisis hotline anonymously and confidentiality.

I would just ask the doctor for the valium. It can help, but it isn't the long term answer. It is like reaching for an alcoholic drink. if you really want help, you are going to need more than just self medicating with valium (diazepam). Hopefully, the doctor will assist you in getting comprehensive treatment that will help you in the long run and give you stable ground to keep you from having more problems and isssues, now and in the future. You can survive this and you can no longer feel victimized, but you are going to need more than a drug. You will need a lot of support and helpful direction.