my best friend was put down and i need to know what might have happened

[dayleob]

My sweet little maltese just turned 10. I had noticed for awhile when he barked excessivley..his tongue was bluish. I had taken him to his vet...who didn't seem concerned. One day about 6 mos. ago...he awoke not able to stand. It was dx'd as vestibular syndrome. It had nearly disappeared within 3 hours. Seemed ok...but then one night he started to act like he had to pee...every 2 minutes. The vet gave antibiotics...he seemed better. Then he awoke one night crying in pain. He acted as though his front leg hurt...although he had no accidents or nothing that I saw. Thought it was arthritis...gave him baby aspirin....which seemed to help. His appetite seemed to start dwindling down the last couple of months. He would sometimes vomit...sometimes had diarrhea...but it cleared within a couple of days. I then noticed one morning he seemed to be breathing abnormally. Rushed him to the ER...where he had a pleuril effusion...they did a thorocentisis...withdrew bloody fluid..which was analyzed and cells came back as abnormal...although they couldn't say for sure he had cancer. They told me to have an echocardiogram done...which had to be arranged elswhere. I got him home the next day...and he would now vomit even water. I gave him water by syringe...pedialyte. He could keep it down if given in small amounts. He would not eat at all. Took him back to the ER...they gave cerenia...but he still wouldn't eat. I fed baby formula by syringe. He was losing weight. I had him at his vet...nearly every day...where he received shots of antibiotics, in case of infection. The fluid culture showed small amounts of psuedomonis...but they believed it was not a true infection....but a contaminant. Oliver's bleeding times came back as normal. I took Oliver to yet another vet for a second opinion. He said Ollie was very sick..and referred me to yet another emergency hospital...where they believed Ollie had cancer but said even with further testing they might not find a mass. He had infiltrates in his lungs...some liver enlargement...something in his kidney...slightly enlarged heart..and thickened bladder walls. They told me the best thing I could do was to let Oliver go. I let Oliver go that night. He had not eaten in 10 days...he seemed very restless..where he couldn't get comfortable. I was exhausted...could not think straight anymore...and did not want to see my baby suffer. Now...7 weeks later...I just want to die myself still. I keep thinking that maybe Ollie stopped eating because he was traumatized by my having to leave him at the hospital...and all the testing. Or maybe he picked up on my fears...and if only I could have gotten him strong enough....I could have done more tests to find out for absolute certain why he was so sick....and what caused the pleuril effusion. I just want to go to sleep myself...and never wake up. I miss him horribly...and cannot believe he is gone...and I am the one who let him go. He looked up and he kissed me just after they sedated him before putting him down. I thought maybe it was the first time he felt better...from the sedation...and maybe he was just having some pain from a stomach issue...and MAYBE he could have been saved. If I only knew for sure if he had cancer...I could deal with it...but I got no real answer...it was PTE vs cancer vs CHF vs Cushings...infection etc....but no answer. I am truly devastated. I know I can't bring him back....but he was only 10. Two weeks before...he played tug of war...he was interested in things...but near the end he just was not himself. I am dying inside...thinking...he didn't know why he was being poked and prodded and left in places without me. I was even told he might have died from a broken heart. I am dying of a broken heart....because I couldn't save my boy. PLEASE PLEASE help me....I can't deal with this anymore...

[TwoBitsMom]

Dayle....!
You have a picture of Ollie that looks like an angel.....You truly believe he was one....and now,You are wondering if he is OK...?
I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say....Yes...!  He is OK...!
There are certain moments in our lives that are defined....Little moments that at the time,  seem insignificant to others, but, for some reason, unknown to us....we remember these moments....The day you took that picture of Oliver, was one of those moments for you...for some reason, it became defined...so you could recall it.  Maybe....just maybe....this is the reason....that day you took the photo, you truly felt he was an angel.....Do you look at the photo today, and think any differently....?   I'm pretty sure you don't.....In fact, I'm pretty sure that you are POSITIVE...HE WAS, AND STILL IS....AN ANGEL...!!!!    I think maybe you got 1 of your  "signs"  3 years ago...Look at that picture...! Look at those eyes...!  
Wow....that is wonderful....and now you are going to pay tribute to him by painting his picture.....that will be theraputic....and you might even get a couple of good laughs at your first few attempts...!  
Dayle...you said you prayed that we would get through this.....we will....If you want to get through something, you just need to keep moving forward....one careful step at a time...no need to rush.
You will recognize your Sign....it will be one of those defining moments...and you will know it immediately.....I missed mine, when god first sent it,... but....he had my son deliver it to me.....and I knew in a moment..it was meant for me...So don't worry...if God sent you your sign, and you missed it.....He will be sure you get it somehow...even if he has to send a messenger...!
I will tell you the story about my "sign"....when I can figure out how to explain it , so it makes sense.  
Let me know how things are going....I will be looking forward to hearing from you!
Connie

[dayleob]

Dear Connie..Bless you for your kindness. Getting through the holidays will be especially hard for us. Last year..everything was perfect. My parents came for Thanksgiving...I hadn't seen them in over 3 years...I had my Ollie....and I was so happy. I had taken some pictures...one of my Ollie...when I took it...I started to cry. My mom remembers because I had said...Oh my GOD...Ollie looks like an angel. I posted it on here. Did you see it? I remember looking at it and thinking that I wasn't going to have him long. Why I thought that I don't know...because Ollie was fine then. The picture just looked so ethereal. I used to paint....not animals....but landscapes.....but I am going to try to paint that picture. I really do believe that Ollie was an angel...sent to me...to get me through life when I couldn't go on alone. I think that now....I need to try to do what Ollie was trying to show me....and be strong and do what is best for me. Ollie could only do so much for me...the rest I need to do for myself. I hope you are feeling better yourself Connie. You have helped me to think straight. Yes...I know I'm going to cry again today....carry Ollie's urn around with me...but I'm going to try to keep thinking about what you said. Talk to you soon...Dayle

[TwoBitsMom]

Dayle....all the suffering we do is worth it, if it means they don't have to.
That is the way I truly feel....and as far as your sign goes...that you are so desperately waiting for....you will get it.  You will....but you will get it when you are least expecting it, and you will know without a doubt...that is was meant for you.  God will send it to you when he knows you will recognize it.  
In the mean time....find a dog to hug....even if it does not belong to you....
Catch you later...Connie

[dayleob]

dear Connie...you are so right. In thinking about everything you said...no matter how old Ollie was...no matter when the time came...it wouldn't have been right. Thinking...if Ollie were older...if GOD had just taken him...I'd still have beat myself up over it. I'd have thought I waited too long...made him suffer. If he were 2 or 3 years older...I'd have wanted longer. Your words are so absolutely true. I'm going to try to think of that when the tears start. I just got back...took a ride to an estate sale...to take my mind off of it all....but all the while I'm just looking for "that sign" from my boy...or from Our Heavenly Father. I found no sign....got back in my car....and cried all the way back home. Came on here....read your letter...and thought to myself....Connie is right. We know that more than likely our babies will go before we do. And no matter how, why, or when....it just would not make it any easier to deal with. And yes....watching my baby the way he was...restless, tired, not able to even eat....was unbearable. To me...he was suffering....and I couldn't deal with seeing it anymore. As to exactly what was wrong with Ollie....I may never know. But whatever it was...it was terrible to see. I'm going to try hard to think of your words Connie....because they are so true. We are doing the suffering now. When we made that decision to end their pain....we knew ours would begin. I just pray that somehow we can get through it somehow. Dayle

[TwoBitsMom]

Dayle....once again...you have expressed my sentiments exactly. Thanks for sharing them and putting them in words for me. What a struggle we have ahead of us.....the hardest part is not knowing if you made the right choice for them at the right time.....and we know, that is a question that will never be answered for us....at least, not in this lifetime. I know that no matter how our dogs leave this world...natural death or assited....the TIMING IS NEVER RIGHT. We always wish they could have stayed with us longer...we always wish we would have spent more time with them...and we always wish we that we might have done something differently.  
I hate the reruns of the final hours....I have them with Two Bits...and I have them with Chainsaw ( my boxer ).....I know people say Time will ease the pain...I know that for me, the pain is never less, but it will come less often, and eventually only when we allow it to happen and CHOOSE to feel it.  
I still have 3 dogs, I call them my support group....when I give them hugs and kisses..I give them extra ones and.I tell them...."This one is for Two Bits..(or Chainsaw or Peaches or Mr.Bobinski..etc ) and This one is for you."  I love it that they are so willing to get the extra hugs and be a proxy for all my other dogs who are gone.
Dogs are such wonderful teachers and healers....They are worth the heartache in the end.  
I know that even though I ended my dogs lives....wheather the timing was right or not.....I did it because I did not want them to suffer.....so...I am suffering for them...and that is OK with me....grieving is suffering.....and I love them so much that I am willing to do that for them....for as long as God decides that I should.....That's how much we love our dogs...!
Connie  
P.S.....I do not watch the news either...and I do not read the paper.

[dayleob]

Hi again...It snowed here last night. Something Oliver and I shared with so much joy. Our first snow! We both love the snow...and I'd get Ollie's coat and he just loved getting on his coat and I'd take him and show him the snow. He always had a big smile on his face because he knew how happy mommy was. But now...I didn't even care. There was no beauty in it....because Ollie isn't here with me. Everywhere I look, everything it seems...just reminds me that Ollie is gone. I try going out shopping...to get my mind off of it all....but instead I break down in the middle of the store and have to leave because I'm crying. After church last Sunday...I was alone on a quiet road and just screamed as hard as I could in my car....To GOD...WHY? WHY did you take Ollie from me? I just screamed until my throat was sore. I read everyones letters here....and my heart just breaks for all of you because I can feel your pain. I can tell all of you are wonderful caring loving people....and I think to myself...the people in this world who seem not to care about anyones feelings....they seem better off in a way....because they don't feel the pain that we are feeling. I can't even watch the news because when I hear the terrible things that happen....I cry for the victims and their families. Sometimes I so much do not want to be part of this world any longer. But then I find that there are still caring and wonderful people around me. When I read your letters I feel the love in your words...for your little pets...and for others who hurt. I've thought to myself too.....would I have preferred never to have had Oliver's love and to have never known him....than to feel this terrible pain? His love truly was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced in my lifetime. Without him....I seriously doubt that I could have kept going when I was so ill years ago. He gave me the will to live. I was giving up back then. I was so ready to meet my maker. But I knew Oliver needed me too....and I tried to get better just for him. I worried about what he would do without me. Now...I am in that situation. I am doing exactly what I worried Oliver would do without me. Dying of a broken heart....not eating, crying, sick all the time. I did not want that for Oliver....and I know he wouldn't want that for me. If he were here....he would be kissing my tears away, saying please mommy don't be sad. I just wish that I was not the one who had to make the decision to let Oliver go. I tried so hard to save him....but inside I keep thinking...if only I waited just a little longer...would he have turned around? I watched him for 10 days without eating...and force feeding him...and it was terrible. When I was told I should let him go...I thought to myself...I was being selfish....making him suffer so I could keep him next to me. But I wish Oliver could have told me what he wanted. I think to myself...he was trying to hold on...did I have the right to play GOD? I honestly don't think I will ever get that out of my mind. Those last minutes keep playing over in my mind. Ollie started kissing my face....was he thinking...finally he was going to get help? And I let the vet put that needle in him and end his life. That is destroying me. For 7 weeks my mind has been playing those re-runs over and over again. I can't make it stop. I keep thinking....I am 7 weeks closer to seeing my boy again. I just want my life to end. I honestly do. I just wish I wouldn't wake up anymore. If this is how it is going to be forever....I just want it over. Losing Ollie has made me so afraid of life. I'm so scared of what is next to come. My heart is hurting so bad that I think I'm having a heart attack....yet I don't care. This is horrible....dealing with life without knowing for certain what lies beyond our lives here. It is the biggest mystery of life. YES...I do believe there is more....but as we have no proof of it....as humans...we still have our doubts. Our minds cannot fathom anything but life on earth. I've even thought of trying to find a pet psychic....to see if Ollie might somehow talk to me. I believe there are people who can see things that others can't. A sixth sense...if you will. I know we have all had experiences where we knew or felt things beforehand. I know I have done that myself too many times. Enough to scare me sometimes. So..I'm sure there are those that can do it. I want to hear Ollie tell me he is okay. I want him to tell me I did the right thing. These are just some of the things that go through my mind. TwobitsMom....Ollie's birthday came along 2 days after he became seriously ill. Every year I bought him his own big steak....and cooked it special for him. He had steak a lot...but on his birthday ....I made a big deal about it. I was going to go find him a gift....but he became so sick. He didn't get his steak....this year. Even that is breaking my heart. I watched him so sick on his birthday this year. I wished I had known...because I'd have done so many things differently. I would have taken him out a lot more....given him anything he wanted while he could eat. I used to take away the cat's food so Ollie couldn't eat it. I would have let him have it. I would have given Ollie more attention when I came in the door and he had waited for me. So many times he greeted me after waiting for me...and I reached down...said hello...gave him a few pets...and went about my business. I would have given him much more of my time when he wanted it....not when I was ready. He was always there for me. But I know Ollie knew I loved him. But when things are going good....we take it for granted. I wish I hadn't done that....but it is too late now for Ollie. I'll be back....hope you are all feeling a little better....and that there is some peace in your hearts today.....Dayle