my best friend was put down and i need to know what might have happened

[dayleob]

My sweet little maltese just turned 10. I had noticed for awhile when he barked excessivley..his tongue was bluish. I had taken him to his vet...who didn't seem concerned. One day about 6 mos. ago...he awoke not able to stand. It was dx'd as vestibular syndrome. It had nearly disappeared within 3 hours. Seemed ok...but then one night he started to act like he had to pee...every 2 minutes. The vet gave antibiotics...he seemed better. Then he awoke one night crying in pain. He acted as though his front leg hurt...although he had no accidents or nothing that I saw. Thought it was arthritis...gave him baby aspirin....which seemed to help. His appetite seemed to start dwindling down the last couple of months. He would sometimes vomit...sometimes had diarrhea...but it cleared within a couple of days. I then noticed one morning he seemed to be breathing abnormally. Rushed him to the ER...where he had a pleuril effusion...they did a thorocentisis...withdrew bloody fluid..which was analyzed and cells came back as abnormal...although they couldn't say for sure he had cancer. They told me to have an echocardiogram done...which had to be arranged elswhere. I got him home the next day...and he would now vomit even water. I gave him water by syringe...pedialyte. He could keep it down if given in small amounts. He would not eat at all. Took him back to the ER...they gave cerenia...but he still wouldn't eat. I fed baby formula by syringe. He was losing weight. I had him at his vet...nearly every day...where he received shots of antibiotics, in case of infection. The fluid culture showed small amounts of psuedomonis...but they believed it was not a true infection....but a contaminant. Oliver's bleeding times came back as normal. I took Oliver to yet another vet for a second opinion. He said Ollie was very sick..and referred me to yet another emergency hospital...where they believed Ollie had cancer but said even with further testing they might not find a mass. He had infiltrates in his lungs...some liver enlargement...something in his kidney...slightly enlarged heart..and thickened bladder walls. They told me the best thing I could do was to let Oliver go. I let Oliver go that night. He had not eaten in 10 days...he seemed very restless..where he couldn't get comfortable. I was exhausted...could not think straight anymore...and did not want to see my baby suffer. Now...7 weeks later...I just want to die myself still. I keep thinking that maybe Ollie stopped eating because he was traumatized by my having to leave him at the hospital...and all the testing. Or maybe he picked up on my fears...and if only I could have gotten him strong enough....I could have done more tests to find out for absolute certain why he was so sick....and what caused the pleuril effusion. I just want to go to sleep myself...and never wake up. I miss him horribly...and cannot believe he is gone...and I am the one who let him go. He looked up and he kissed me just after they sedated him before putting him down. I thought maybe it was the first time he felt better...from the sedation...and maybe he was just having some pain from a stomach issue...and MAYBE he could have been saved. If I only knew for sure if he had cancer...I could deal with it...but I got no real answer...it was PTE vs cancer vs CHF vs Cushings...infection etc....but no answer. I am truly devastated. I know I can't bring him back....but he was only 10. Two weeks before...he played tug of war...he was interested in things...but near the end he just was not himself. I am dying inside...thinking...he didn't know why he was being poked and prodded and left in places without me. I was even told he might have died from a broken heart. I am dying of a broken heart....because I couldn't save my boy. PLEASE PLEASE help me....I can't deal with this anymore...

[TwoBitsMom]

Karla ....
Thanks for asking....It's been kind of a lousy day...Two Bits is heavy on my mind...she would have been 15 today....I am ready to have a good cry over everything....I know if I do, I will be able to handle things a little better for a few days....I did try to keep myself busy today, so that helps...but tonight when I try to go to sleep, I know it will be too quiet and my mind will race. For almost 15 years I use to listen to Two Bits gently snoring...it was so relaxing and always helped me fall asleep....There will be tears on my pillow tonight.....Thanks for your support...Connie

[Misfits4Me]

Connie & Dayle:

Hello today...How are you both? We are experiencing rain today, but it's nice for a change...We have been in a drought for sometime.....

It does make for 16 muddy paws that have to be wiped, though....  ;)

Hope you both are feeling better today.....Thought I'd check in on you....

Need to get my chores done, so I must be off....Just wanted to say Hello & let you know I'm thinking about you........Karla

[TwoBitsMom]

Good Morning Dayle....Yesterday you asked me if I still cry....the answer is yes...every day, and every night. Yes...my chest physically hurts from the heartache. Our emotions are a powerful thing. Our feelings are something that come from the soul...they are what we feel inside. The only way to deal with these feelings, are to make them come out. In order to do this, we need to make them physical. Tears are physical...written words are physical...gestures are physical.  There are 2 things you can do with your sorrow....you can turn it into anger, or you can turn it into compassion. Let the tears flow...cry because you love Ollie and Miss him....not because you are angry with yourself or God.
Turn your feelings into words...write them on paper or write them here...express them...let them out...read what you have written....as you may see, writing is helping....turn your sorrow into compassion, and try to help someone else by offering kind words, and understanding....and last but not least...here is my theory on the physical heartache....Ollie did his job well....he has taught you how to love...the love is still growing...nothing can stop it....As each  day passes he continues to fill your heart with love....that's why our hearts are aching ....when he was here, it was easy to just give all that love right back to him....in the form of hugs...kisses...kind words...belly rubs...etc....but now he is gone....and what will you do with all that love that keeps coming....?....eventually...you will have to find a way to express it....get it out...make it physical.  If you do not do something good with all that love...then Ollie has lived his life in vain....Take what Ollie has taught you about love, and pass it on...Find a way, to pay Tribute to him....
There are alot of ways you can turn all that love into something physical....and when you start letting it out...you will start feeling better.
Find a Proxy for Oliver...another dog who Needs all those hugs and kisses...not a dog to replace him, because we all know that is impossible....but just a dog who is willing to put up with all that hugging and kissing and loving...compliments of Oliver...!  You don't have to get another dog right away...there are plenty of them at the shelters, who would be happy to stand there while you give them all those hugs and kisses from Oliver..!  Or maybe you know someone else who has a dog, that you could slather with love...again compliments of Ollie...!  Even something as simple as dropping off some treats at the shelter, or volunteering to walk the dogs...or making a donation to help other animal...or writing a poem....or trying to helps others who are going through the same thing as we are.....Anyway..you get the point...Find a way to turn all that love into something physical...something good...and make Oliver Proud...!  Show him what a good teacher he is.....!  
Let me know how you do it.....Connie

[dayleob]

All of you are such caring and empathetic people. I can feel everyones pain...and know I'm not alone...or crazy...like my husband would have me believe. I look horrid...from crying everyday...lost a lot of weight...feel like I am just willing myself to die to be with my Ollie. I was crying the other night...and my husband screamed at me that he was sick of me....couldn't take my SH anymore...and was leaving. So be it then. I am not like him. You see...my husband has been abusive to me forever...my Ollie would growl and put himself between us...everytime the yelling started. A tiny dog...trying to protect me. Ollie was ALWAYS beside me...in sickness and in health. To ME....Ollie was more like a husband to me. Sounds crazy maybe....but to me...Ollie was more human, more caring, more loving...than my husband EVER was. He even threatened to hurt my Ollie at times. If I dared to leave....I took Ollie with me. Losing Ollie...especially having to make the decision to let him go.....was the worst thing I have ever gone through. And I have gone through nearly everything imaginable. Life has not been easy. But putting Ollie to death....was horrific. Sometimes I think Ollie was put here just until I was strong enough to do what needed to be done. But right now...my strength is not there. Ollie taught me so much. I loved your story about the dream you had Ginger. If only I could get that kind of sign....I'd be okay I think. I know that there is much more to life than our minds could ever comprehend. There just has to be...otherwise nothing in this world would make ANY sense. Who knows for certain what lies beyond our imagination. It hurts me now though too....because I pray everyday. Or I DID pray. I thanked GOD for my blessings....everyday. I thought my Ollie was going to be okay because I thought GOD was showing me the way. I believed it with all of my heart. But it was not to be. Now...I don't know when GOD is talking to me anymore. I feel angry that HE took Ollie from me. I still cannot believe I can never hold my boy...touch him...feel his kisses. I know life is short. But it seems long when you are waiting for something. Waiting to see my Ollie...or waiting for that sign that he is okay....is really hard. It seems I've always wished my life away. And I'm doing it again. But I know that I'm not crazy. Reading everyones letters shows me that I am no different than anyone that had that kind of love in their lives. Thank you all. Please keep writing. It DOES help....Dayle

[Misfits4Me]

Unfortunately, Grief is the price we pay for Love!  Yes, it *****!  I too remember the husband not understanding why I cried non-stop....Also remember the physical pain of a broken heart....It was very real! But you know what? I SURVIVED!!! Yippee!!!

However, this all lead me to study and read constantly.....The more I knew, the better prepared I would be for the next time.....I don't like surprises...This in turn lead me to this forum to try to help others.....

It taught me an incredible amount about proper nutrition for our canine companions and the dangers of various products deemed OK to use on our pets....It has changed my whole way of thinking and how I will rear my pets......None of my dogs have died in vain......They live on by teaching me what to do different the next time & how to give another dog a better chance at life by incorporating more knowledge in my decisions....

My house is full of Rescues, now....(All special needs that didn't have a chance in Hell of finding a home for one reason or other).....And a new Foster that I should have named "Nightmare", I kid you not! (That's another story!)
There will NEVER be just ONE! I made that promise to myself after losing the first one (The only one at the time), many years ago....

I continue because of the need for other peoples throw-aways to have another chance at happiness & love.....I will be the first to say that it's worth it.......As these poor little desperate souls start responding to how they should have been treated all along, makes my heart sing!!!

Yes, I miss my guys that have gone on before me. I miss them desperately! They will always be in my heart....The good news is that hearts always have more room & more pleasure awaits.......

Just out of curiosity, I looked up Maltese on Petfinders.com.....There are sadly, 1,262 looking for forever homes...........That is just one breed.....
We can never replace our loved ones, but we can add more Loved ones any time we want...Isn't that wonderful!!!!!

I'm praying for you girls......I have faith that you both will pull through just as I did and make something positive come out of the heartache.....

Hang in there......Remember our dogs love us no matter what...It's nice that it works that way, huh?   Talk to you soon....Karla

[ginger899]

I am so sorry you are in pain like this. And especially because you feel alone with your grief. Doesn't your husband miss Oliver too? Or maybe his reactions are just HIS way of trying to cope with the grief he feels?
Maybe not...of course I don't know.

Anyway, let me tell you something that happened to me.
In 1999 my husband died. Nine months later our dog, Toby died too. I was very alone and distraught. I was the same as you for a long time. I howled with pain and grief sometimes.
I knew nothing about "Rainbow Bridge" I talked to nobody who knew about anything like that.
I felt I didn't believe in anything, anyway. My spirit seemed to have left me.
I stumbled on, with great emptiness for a while.

One night I found myself in a tiny Country church. Like I said, my beliefs had been all dashed, yet I still wandered in there. I asked God to help me -to show me what was happening to my loved ones?
I got stillness, loneliness, and emptiness as an answer. I went home. I cried myself to sleep as usual.
I had a bad dream early morning. In the dream I saw my dog's empty bed, I was calling to him, then panicking because I couldn't find him, running about calling for him.
Then  heard my husband's voice (I had started to wake up at this point) My husband was calling to me in a very definite way like he was trying desperately to get through to me before I was gone. He called my name twice -three times, then said "He's HERE...he's here with me...Toby's HERE WITH ME!" He said that like I was deaf or something.
The whole experience was so unexpected, and so clear and really shook me.

A little while after I dreamed Toby was running free in beautiful green fields, playing with other dogs. He saw me, and dashed over greeting me with exuberance, his tail wagging like crazy. I touched his head -it felt so real, then panting and happy, he cast me a quick look back, and was off running and playing again, chasing after a little girl King Charles .......

I am not lying to you to try to make you feel better. Both those dreams took me by surprise, but felt so real and true. I really do feel my prayers that day aone in the Church were answered.