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Eating patterns have changed
Since the start of 2009 my eating patterns have completly changed, most days all i will eat is a couple of biscuits and thats about it, but other days (not many of these days) i will feel like im eating for Britain and eat loads, my friends call me anorexic but i really don't think i am. I have never ate breakfast, but now i've stopped eating lunch too, this doesnt mean im anorexic does it? please help me xx
schizohrenia consumes my life because i dont really have any thing else to think about..........my emotions were level 1000 i just was on level 0 four 4 years but i feel a little now so im on level 1...............my doctor tells me the schizohrenia caused my feeling to go away.......but I THINK the suicide is what cause me to loss all my emotions im not sure what to believe....im starting to feel things a little like sadness,i felt anger tourd my mom the other day that is new....it always only for a few sec.....but all take what ever i can get...i LOVE emotions.....it was what made me price less.. ...and before this all happen i did think VERY highly of myself...i thought i couldnt be any better ....so i went from thinking i was the best to thinking im the worst...its very hard on me... i just want to be old me #1 me the frist me......the me that felt love and happiness ALL DAY EVERY DAY!!! i just hate problems......i wish i could wake up someone new someone untouched......not emotionally damaged and i CAN live with my suicide I acepted what i did .....my arm is fine but haveing no feelings in my heart kills me...........i feel like i have been cut off from God....i dont feel him any more ....it *****........i really dont know that he is there any more.........today i had a dream that jesus told me i was not good anuff for him any more..and basically mad it seem like there was no hope.................i have dreams all the time and remember them.........my dad said i need to stop remembering my dreams ............and i write this stuff down......so i guess i need to stop doing this..
i know i need a job somthing good to do with my life........but i live in elkhart indiana the persident was just here 2 or 3 months ago saying elkhart is the worst place for jobs in the united states........my parents are LUCKY to have jobs right now..........so its like really hard to find a job because every one is looking for one...and its been that way for a while......2 months ago i went looking for a part time job......i went to like 10 places only 2 places gave me applications..........and that was when i would have had a ride to work from my boyfriend at the time jason.......last time i seen him he didnt have a job scense last october...its not good for any jobs right now......
i wish i had somthing to say that was really good about myself but i will try i like to watch little tv.......im on the computer all the time.....i have a cat that i love and a ginny pig that likes lettuce and carrots everyday.......... i hang out with my dad we watch south park and other cartoons.............i like to write but im not a good speller.........i have 2 journals i write in.......i like to excersie pretty much every day...i would go to church but no one wants to go and i dont drive.....my dad doesnt believe in jesus any more im thinking because of me........but he says thats not why........i have 2 very talented smart sisters with great lives....1 is 22 the other is 30......thats my life..thats about it i think
Nart, just like being 205 pounds is unhealthy, starving yourself is also unhealthy. I understand being scared about not wanting to go back to a very heavy weight. I use to way a lot but what I am doing to my body now is just as bad.
You said that you felt bad cause you couldnt walk for a very long time but that may not just be based in your weight. Even at my lowest weight I have never been able to walk for a very long time and I know some people who although they are very light, they have almost no endurance and they get tired very easily.
Also you said, "now im switching to the person i love that really dont eat alot". Your love of yourself shouldnt be based on whether you are starving yourself.
The whole issue with scars is something that anyone who has ever self injured goes thru. I recently had a relapse with my self injury and now I am dealing with trying to hide the scars on my arm because I work at a daycare center and I cant have those showing. One of the easiest things to do is wear long sleeves. It is harder to that in warmer weather but I usually manage. Also if someone asks you could just tell them that it is none of their business. Why should they have to know about your personal life. Plus you would be suprised at how many people already know someone who has self injured so it might not freak them out at all.
Also Nart, I have noticed that you seem to be very big on the fact that you have schizophrenic. Are you letting that fact rule your life? I know it is easy to just identify yourself as a mental illness but maybe you could try starting to identify yourself in other ways. I use to always just see myself as the "self injurer." Now I try to see myself as more healthy things, like a college student, a daycare worker, a babysitter, and a total geek (I am proud to say I love things like Star Trek). What other things (that are healthy) do you like and maybe you could try to focus more on those things?
You said that you felt bad cause you couldnt walk for a very long time but that may not just be based in your weight. Even at my lowest weight I have never been able to walk for a very long time and I know some people who although they are very light, they have almost no endurance and they get tired very easily.
Also you said, "now im switching to the person i love that really dont eat alot". Your love of yourself shouldnt be based on whether you are starving yourself.
The whole issue with scars is something that anyone who has ever self injured goes thru. I recently had a relapse with my self injury and now I am dealing with trying to hide the scars on my arm because I work at a daycare center and I cant have those showing. One of the easiest things to do is wear long sleeves. It is harder to that in warmer weather but I usually manage. Also if someone asks you could just tell them that it is none of their business. Why should they have to know about your personal life. Plus you would be suprised at how many people already know someone who has self injured so it might not freak them out at all.
Also Nart, I have noticed that you seem to be very big on the fact that you have schizophrenic. Are you letting that fact rule your life? I know it is easy to just identify yourself as a mental illness but maybe you could try starting to identify yourself in other ways. I use to always just see myself as the "self injurer." Now I try to see myself as more healthy things, like a college student, a daycare worker, a babysitter, and a total geek (I am proud to say I love things like Star Trek). What other things (that are healthy) do you like and maybe you could try to focus more on those things?
well my doctors move up in life and get better jobs so fare all of them..........we will see how long this doctor will last...........i really liked my doctor before this newer one.....but she had to go do better thiings......i understand i wouldnt want to be there either...i was woundering can people see your scares because i dont know what to say if someone ask me..i dont really want people to know that side of me............believe me i know what people are thinking i was one of them....all tell you the true i believed that you would go to hell if you killed yourself and you where a *** hole!......but i was tricked into doing what i did and thought i would go to heaven..........................so i know see about mental illness now and see its not the persons falt most the time....90% of the people that atempt suicide are mentally ill. about half of all the people with schizohrenia atempt suicide some point in there lifes. 5% of this people that atempt suicided actually die.... 10% of the homeless have schizohrenia ..in the united states 2-3 million persons have the illness more hospital beds are occuiped by persons with schzophrenia than any other psyhiatric illness....i could tell you more.....ohh and what is your eating disorder about....
Well to answer you question things emotionally have gotten a lot better from 2 years ago. I was so afraid of being with people i couldn't even stay in class, i had a hard time leaving the house, i had no friends.
Things are still hard, like going to the cafiteria, or jogging outside.. i have a few friends know. They know everything that is going on with me, but i still often feel out of there world..like they'll never understand what it's like to have baggage. But i cna go class, and things like that. Things will get better, once your mind starts getting better.
I know how you feel about the food. My mom buys cookies, icecream, hardly any friuts or veggies. I mean she knows i have an ed, and i'll ask her to make certain things for dinner, but she won't. I do understand you there.
Why do your doctors change so much?
Things are still hard, like going to the cafiteria, or jogging outside.. i have a few friends know. They know everything that is going on with me, but i still often feel out of there world..like they'll never understand what it's like to have baggage. But i cna go class, and things like that. Things will get better, once your mind starts getting better.
I know how you feel about the food. My mom buys cookies, icecream, hardly any friuts or veggies. I mean she knows i have an ed, and i'll ask her to make certain things for dinner, but she won't. I do understand you there.
Why do your doctors change so much?
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