I don't know what to do

[SnuffonDigital]

How am I supposed to recover from having a terrible image of myself? I used to be only 100lbs at 5'9". I would flaunt how thin I was and had a major ego because of it. Now I'm 126lbs. I've abused laxitives for 7 years and have tried to stop but can't stand the nasty, bloated feeling I get and how bloated my stomach gets. I get constipated and it drives me insane. I can now go about 2 months of no laxitives but then have to take them. When I do take them, I pretty much starve myself for awhile after just so I can enjoy having a flat stomach. If I feel I overeat, then I will throw it up, but this is a rare occassion now. I used to do it multiple times a day. I have depression issues and am a recovering SI. I refuse anti-depressants because of all the side effects. Can't afford counseling. I just don't know what to do.

[shlee1016]

It is normal for that body image is usually the last thing to get better, but keep fighting hard and you can do it. One thing you can do is positive affirmations. Even if you do not believe what you are saying, say something good about yourself (not weight related). Saying these things over and over, whether you believe it or not, will eventually start to sink in. I know it sounds silly, but it's true. It's actually a technique used in therapy. I have some other more complicated ideas but that one's a start so I won't throw it all out at once =)

[goodgardenpeas28]

I too recommend OA meetings. It stands for overeaters anonymous but there are usually quite a few girls (and sometimes guys) who have eating disorders or even are recovering from eating disorders. The idea with OA is to have "abstinence" from disordered behaviors. If you cannot afford a counselor this is probably your best bet. It is free but they do ask for donations, if you cant afford that do not worry no one judges, thats the great part about it. I have met some wonderful supports through OA. One "laxative" you could try that wont hurt you as bad as stimulant laxatives is Miralax, it is now over the counter, and it will help you from getting constipated when not abusing laxatives...I'm guessing thats part of the bloating feeling you get. Once you become regular and stop abusing laxatives the bloating should go away. It is however a process, and you need to be willing to deal with the "side effects" of getting healthy knowing that those side effects will eventually go away. Just keep telling yourself healthy bloated and alive is better than skinny and dead, because thats what can happen if you hang on to your disordered behavior. Best of luck, and go to www.OA.org (i think) or look up overeaters anonymous on a search engine and it will tell you on their website the OA meeting places and times in your area. There is also literature that you have the option of buying on the website that can help you with your struggles.

[Zoelula]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I think you posted a very key question when you said "how do I recover from having a terrible image of myself?" The image, unfortunately usually goes a lot deeper than food and weight which are just symptoms. You can improve your self esteem but it takes time and effort. One way is to do things that make you feel good about yourself. But that can take years. You say you can't afford counseling, but that is probably just what you need to help you feel better. I don't know where you live but in the U.S. most counties have free or very low cost mental health resources. Look under the county and then mental health or behavioral health. Another resource which is free is OA where you will be able to meet and receive support from others with eating disorders. I really recommend it.