I need words of wisdom!

[Rach878]

Have you ever felt that the worl is just too big or too hard. That's how i feel know. No matter what i do, it seems things will never get better. I'm so used to people saying just get through the day. But what happens when just getting throught the day isn''t enough anymore. What if you want more than to just struggle through the day, but you can't find a way to do that.
Everyone i just need some words of inspiration right know, cause ed is gettin out of control, my emotions are gettin out of control, my ptsd is getting out of control. i just feel like i'm loosin it a little bit, and need your help.

[coolas]

Rach, I used to be just like you!  So I just want you to know that there is hope and to hang in there and that this too shall pass!

Once upon a time, long ago, I used to be so obsessed and depressed about my weight and body image, that it literally consumed my life for years!  Have you read 'Fat is a Feminist Issue' by Susie Orbach?  If not, I highly recommend it.  It got me on the right track to recovery and I can say that I am pretty much cured; although I think ALL women suffer from body image problems to varying degrees.

But I have to tell you, I look back on all those years I WASTED worrying about my weight and hating my body and I shake my head!! I could have been out having such a great time and instead I wasted all those years worrying about a few lousy pounds!

I have learned that what men AND women are most attracted to are not people with perfect bodies, but people who likes themselves and have confidence in who they are.  People who are interesting and fun to be with.  

I think you need to try and shift your focus and concentrate on other areas of your life.  Do you do any sports?  I found that when I was depressed, working out really helped for many reasons; first just the endorphin rush made me feel better; then knowing that I was doing something to help myself and to make my body feel stronger and able to endure gave me added confidence; and thirdly, the added bonus of looking better.  That's one thing you can do.  Are you creative at all?  Do you write?  Sing?  Play a musical instrument?  Focus on accomplishing something like learning an instrument or taking a writing class or a dance class, do something that you feel passionately about; and if you don't have anything you feel passionately about, look for something new to try.  Get some books on building self-esteem.

The good news is that you know you have issues and you want to change them.  You are in charge of you and you have the power within you to change you.

Best wishes,

A-

[Rach878]

Thanks.
My theripist basically said the same thing as you did, when i told her about it today.
I love the story about you and your friend. Before this 13 lbs, me and my friend weighed a few lbs. of each other, and of coarse i think she looks good, and i look fat, although she is like a foot taller than me so she probably does..
i ust kinda freaked out last night. i still don't know how it's scientifically possible to gain that much so quickly.

[Zoelula]

I understand completely; I know the numbers can control you, but the key is not to let them. (that's why everyone says not to weigh yourself!). Remember it's just a number. It doesn't change who you are; all the things that you liked about yourself at 13 pounds less are what you still should like now. You can't change the number, at least not today. What you can do is continue on with the best eating you can do, short of restricting which leads back to the vicious cycle. Then get support for the feelings you are having, because those are what can hurt you, not the 13 pounds. Buy something new that looks really good on you and wear it with pride; take in any compliments even though that is the total opposite of how you feel.

Here's a little body image story. Years ago I had a good friend who I thought was really pretty and had the perfect figure I was kind of jealous of. One day I admitted that fact to her and said, "I'd love to look like you" (feeling hopeless I ever could). She surprised me by saying, "I've always felt I was too fat and wished I could have your figure!" We then asked each other how much the other one weighed and it turned out we weighed the exact same amount! who knew?

[Rach878]

Thanks,
i guess it is more than weight, well that's what everyone tells m, but it appears to me that it is afbout weight.
Speaking of which i weighed myself. The last time i did that was a few days before Christmas. I was right, i have gained weight, a lot of weight, 13.5lbs in 32 days. I don't even understand how that's physically possible. I mean i did overeat on Christmas,and new years, then i was eating normally, and then more restictive again. I don't understand why this happened, even my overeating, wasn't really overeating. I mean i was eating just as much as everyone else.
i'm totally freaking out, and don't know what to do.

[Zoelula]

That's a hard question to answer, Rach. I struggled trying to get recovery for a long, long time, stops and starts, on again/off again, etc. But once I "got it" it got easier pretty quickly. "got it" for me meant 3 meals a day and nothing in between and no sugar at all. Other than that I didn't do any kind of diet. In fact, I realized that diets for me were a trigger and I preferred being relieved of the insanity of an ED to losing a few pounds. I got...really got...that it wasn't really about the weight at all and when I got that, it became a lot easier. As long as I stayed focused on the same old merry-go-round of obsessing about weight I just kept going round and getting crazier! That's how it worked for me. As for the cravings for sugar they went away if I remember correctly in about a month which is pretty much how long they say it takes for your body to get out of the physical addiction.

The bottom line is we are all different. If what you were doing before Christmas worked for you than that's what you should go back to. If it was so restrictive though that you started to feel deprived and that led to your relapse, than you might modify it.

[Rach878]

Thanks so much.
How long, once you really started towards recovery did it get easier? i was recovering, i was on a meal plan and maintaining weight, but then i fell off track, and christmas came, and now i feel like i've gained weight. But if i could just loose the weight to where i was, after finding how much weight i've really gained, i want to get back on to that same meal plan, and try again.

[Zoelula]

Good, I'm glad it helped. Hang in there, use your support and be good to yourself. I always have told people to think about some future happy self waving back at you and saying "just hang in there, you'll make it here". Now that I AM my future self (older) I'm glad for all the times I did just that or I would have missed a lot of great stuff!
Zoe

[Rach878]

Thanks so much. i wear baggy clothes because at least in them i dont' have to worry about people seeing how fat i'm getting. When i wear clothes that "fit" i feel like realy self concious all day, so i don't know if my clothes, because my body image is not good right now, just seem smaller to me, or if i've really gained weight. i have an appt. with my Dr. the first or second week in Feb. and i saw her the first week of Jan. so at least i can check in with her, and tell her what's been going on w/body image. She won't tell me my weight, but if i asked did i gain x amount of weight, i think she'd tell me.
You really help me get through the night, cause i was just flippin about what to wear tomarrow, and then i checked this, and saw you left a message, thanks

[Zoelula]

Wearing your brother's clothes, or wearing baggy clothes in general won't help your body image. Wearing clothes that fit well and look good will though. Take a look at yourself in your clothes or ask a friend if you don't trust your judgement on how they look, ask her to be honest. If they really all are too small go out and buy something that fits and looks good. So many times we don't want to buy a bigger size because we are "waiting to lose the weight" and so we wear too small clothes that make us self-conscious or wear baggy formless things that make us feel like a blob and are not flattering. I don't know what your actual size is but whatever it is you can find clothes that fit well and look great and wear them with pride. Other people will notice that and then it reflects back to you. If someone says "you look nice" practice just saying "thank you" and taking the compliment in, not deflecting it with "oh this old thing" or "I'm so fat". Give yourself compliments. There's a saying in the 12-step community "fake it till you make it" or "act as if". Those mean to pretend you feel good about things and after awhile it becomes real. Accentuate your good points. Negative body image is definitely an "inside job" - you can feel good about yourself at a Size 26 or bad about yourself at a Size 6.

[Rach878]

Thank you so much. Things i love ar hangin with my cat, watching a good movie, reading a good book. I will try to do one everyday.

As far as bad body image goes, do you have any suggestions. I mean for the 7 years i've had ed, these past few days body image has been worse than ever before. i can't even where my own clothes, i have to wear by brother, because i feel like you can see every lump in my clothes, and  because i don't have a scale, i don't know if it's just me having neg. body image or if i've gained weight and that's why everything seems small.

[Zoelula]

Hi Rach

I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. Yes, I'm a lot older than you and there have definitely been periods during my life when I felt that way. The one good thing about getting older though is that they do decrease with time. Part of that is perspective. When you're depressed and overwhelmed it's easy to lose perspective. As you get older you gain some perspective and confidence that you have survived whatever is going on and worse and so you can again. But that doesn't help you right now, does it?

One way to regain perspective (and hope!) is to watch your own thinking for negativity and black and white negative thinking. Things like "I'm never going to get better" or "I'm totally screwed up". Have some compassion for yourself and tell yourself something like "I'm having a hard time now, but it will get better." Feeling bad is enough, but sometimes we make ourselves feel worse when we tell ourselves those feelings are unacceptable, or are own fault.

Another thing is that when you're overwhelmed and feel "I'll never get a handle on my PTSD, or all these feelings, or my ED" we tends to stay just that...majorly overwhelmed...not a good place to be. You aren't going to be able to successfully deal with all of that today..or even tomorrow. So what can you do today? It may sound overly simplistic but just focusing on what is right in front of you helps to reduce that feeling of overwhelm. Sometimes all you can do is "just get through the day" and that's ok, tomorow you can do more. Each day you get through is a day you can choose one small success. Like "today I won't purge" or "today I'll journal my feelings" or even "today I'll do the dishes".  Then give yourself credit for that success. After awhile they build on each other and you notice you are no longer feeling out of control because you have taken charge of small accomplishments. But you are right, that just survival isn't enough, we all need joy. Again, small things. I personally get joy from cuddling my cat, from watching the rain and wind out my window today, from the huevos mexicana I had for breakfast, from the new great smalling bubble bath I just bought, from wrapping a present I bought for my niece's birthday. What are the small things you love? Can you give yourself one of them each day?

Finally be sure and tell your therapist how you are feeling so she can help you work through what's going on and maybe make a med change, or go to an OA meeting and tell them your ED is out of control (they've all been there and you'll feel less alone). Ask for hugs.
It will get better. Sending you a cyber hug.
Zoe