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NEED HELP WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS EATING DISORDER
I am very serious with a girl whom I have been dating about 4 months.
But, I don't need any more time to know she's the girl for me.
Anyway, I've been going through an addiction problem of my own...
I struggled telling her about it in fear of losing her.
Plus, I am determined to quit and start recovery...
And, I've set a plan for myself and will be done within a week.
Now, I finally broke down and told her a couple days ago...Only after she broke down and told me she had a very serious eating disorder.
She's had it for about 9 years now...On and off...
She struggled with bulimia through college and even struggled with anorexia after that.
As far as I know, she said that she hasn't purged in a few months...
But, my instincts are telling me otherwise.
She exercises regularly and is a vegetarian. I don't want to over think things. And, I surely want to do nothing but be supportive.
I don't know how to handle it! She was hospitalized a little over a year ago, and struggles with this constantly!
Again, call it instincts, but I can tell.
And, the past few nights (since she's opened up to me), I've fallen asleep on the couch while she stayed up late on the computer. In the morning, I noticed a lot of food left around the computer...Things that should go back in the refrigerator were left out. And, she was drinking. It seemed odd.
And, this morning, I noticed something in the toilet. It looked like a couple pieces of food.
I'm hoping that she's not beating herself up over opening up to me. You know, feeling raw and vulnerable...Even though I've been nothing but supportive and understanding.
She does see a therapist regularly. Should I tell her? I certainly don't want to confront her and accuse her. That wouldn't help. Being an addict myself, I know the struggles we put ourselves through. But, I'm trying so hard to think of something I can do to help.
What are some warning signs? What can I look for? She is very thin, and has been for a long time. Hell, she's gorgeous!
I've been really trying to tell her how beautiful and perfect she is. I've always done and felt that anyway. But, I don't want to overdue it now. I can sense that she may think I'm saying it just so she doesn't purge. Well, she told me that she felt that certain things I say may have hidden meaning. They don't. And, I don't know how to prove that.
Sorry for the novel, but I have so many questions and so many things to learn.
I want to help her. She needs help. But, she needs to want and allow the help.
What can I do?
But, I don't need any more time to know she's the girl for me.
Anyway, I've been going through an addiction problem of my own...
I struggled telling her about it in fear of losing her.
Plus, I am determined to quit and start recovery...
And, I've set a plan for myself and will be done within a week.
Now, I finally broke down and told her a couple days ago...Only after she broke down and told me she had a very serious eating disorder.
She's had it for about 9 years now...On and off...
She struggled with bulimia through college and even struggled with anorexia after that.
As far as I know, she said that she hasn't purged in a few months...
But, my instincts are telling me otherwise.
She exercises regularly and is a vegetarian. I don't want to over think things. And, I surely want to do nothing but be supportive.
I don't know how to handle it! She was hospitalized a little over a year ago, and struggles with this constantly!
Again, call it instincts, but I can tell.
And, the past few nights (since she's opened up to me), I've fallen asleep on the couch while she stayed up late on the computer. In the morning, I noticed a lot of food left around the computer...Things that should go back in the refrigerator were left out. And, she was drinking. It seemed odd.
And, this morning, I noticed something in the toilet. It looked like a couple pieces of food.
I'm hoping that she's not beating herself up over opening up to me. You know, feeling raw and vulnerable...Even though I've been nothing but supportive and understanding.
She does see a therapist regularly. Should I tell her? I certainly don't want to confront her and accuse her. That wouldn't help. Being an addict myself, I know the struggles we put ourselves through. But, I'm trying so hard to think of something I can do to help.
What are some warning signs? What can I look for? She is very thin, and has been for a long time. Hell, she's gorgeous!
I've been really trying to tell her how beautiful and perfect she is. I've always done and felt that anyway. But, I don't want to overdue it now. I can sense that she may think I'm saying it just so she doesn't purge. Well, she told me that she felt that certain things I say may have hidden meaning. They don't. And, I don't know how to prove that.
Sorry for the novel, but I have so many questions and so many things to learn.
I want to help her. She needs help. But, she needs to want and allow the help.
What can I do?
Thanks for the words, Ashley. I messaged you too. Ha! If you have time to read a book, check it out.
;-)
I know that everyone is different. And, none of you know my girlfriend, but in your experiences would me showing her the website www.somethingfishy.org be too much? If it were at the right time obviously. I wouldn't just approach her and force it on her. But again, if she were talking about it...
How would you take that?
Or, maybe when I go with her to the therapist, I can print out a few pages and tell how I've just been trying to learn about it. And just stress how I will always be there no matter what...To listen and not judge...To do whatever she needs me to do for her.
We talked yesterday about my problems and I told her that although hard because it makes me feel vulnerable and flawed, I knew deep down that she cares about me with all her heart. I know she wouldn't judge. 99% of me feels better and less stressed and I feel like I can just breathe afterward. But, that tentative 1% is still there. But, I can't and won't dwell on it. It quickly passes. I told her I'm there for her also. No matter what she wants to talk about. I'm there to listen. I always will be. I even was a little teary eyed. She looked deep into my eyes and said she understands. And, although she cannot just open up now, she wants to. It won't all be at once. She needs time and probably can only give a little at a time.
I just said, "That's okay. There's no hurry. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here for you always."
And I hugged the **** out of her.
I'm hoping that I didn't say anything wrong or say too much. I was completely honest and just really want her to know that I'm there and I care more than anything.
Also, if anyone's interested in a cool song with a great message...
Check out "ACCIDENTS CAN HAPPEN" by SIXX AM.
I don't know if everyone knows who Nikki Sixx is. He's the bassist and brains behind Motley Crue. Well, if you're familiar with him, you probably know his story. Although his drug of choice was heroin, I think this song applies to anyone with any addiction.
He wrote an unbelievable book called "THE HEROIN DIARIES". His album with the band SIXX AM is a soundtrack for the book. This album goes through the parts of Nikki Sixx's life when he was severely addicted to heroin. It goes through several stages of his life, including the start of his diary, his first temporary quitting of heroin, and his relapse.
I played it for my girlfriend when talking about a song that made me think. But, immediately after, she told me it really hit her too.
It's all about recovering and falling down. But, you're not really falling down or falling back. You still need to keep your head high and don't forget all the hard work you've done. No matter how many times you fall, you've still done that work. Don't give up and don't beat yourself up. "It's only one day. It's not your whole life."
Here's a link to the youtube video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nan4Kdtz-9w
Check out these tracks also: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, PRAY FOR ME, & TOMORROW.
I'm sure you can find all of them on YouTube also.
Hopefully you like them...
;-)
I know that everyone is different. And, none of you know my girlfriend, but in your experiences would me showing her the website www.somethingfishy.org be too much? If it were at the right time obviously. I wouldn't just approach her and force it on her. But again, if she were talking about it...
How would you take that?
Or, maybe when I go with her to the therapist, I can print out a few pages and tell how I've just been trying to learn about it. And just stress how I will always be there no matter what...To listen and not judge...To do whatever she needs me to do for her.
We talked yesterday about my problems and I told her that although hard because it makes me feel vulnerable and flawed, I knew deep down that she cares about me with all her heart. I know she wouldn't judge. 99% of me feels better and less stressed and I feel like I can just breathe afterward. But, that tentative 1% is still there. But, I can't and won't dwell on it. It quickly passes. I told her I'm there for her also. No matter what she wants to talk about. I'm there to listen. I always will be. I even was a little teary eyed. She looked deep into my eyes and said she understands. And, although she cannot just open up now, she wants to. It won't all be at once. She needs time and probably can only give a little at a time.
I just said, "That's okay. There's no hurry. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here for you always."
And I hugged the **** out of her.
I'm hoping that I didn't say anything wrong or say too much. I was completely honest and just really want her to know that I'm there and I care more than anything.
Also, if anyone's interested in a cool song with a great message...
Check out "ACCIDENTS CAN HAPPEN" by SIXX AM.
I don't know if everyone knows who Nikki Sixx is. He's the bassist and brains behind Motley Crue. Well, if you're familiar with him, you probably know his story. Although his drug of choice was heroin, I think this song applies to anyone with any addiction.
He wrote an unbelievable book called "THE HEROIN DIARIES". His album with the band SIXX AM is a soundtrack for the book. This album goes through the parts of Nikki Sixx's life when he was severely addicted to heroin. It goes through several stages of his life, including the start of his diary, his first temporary quitting of heroin, and his relapse.
I played it for my girlfriend when talking about a song that made me think. But, immediately after, she told me it really hit her too.
It's all about recovering and falling down. But, you're not really falling down or falling back. You still need to keep your head high and don't forget all the hard work you've done. No matter how many times you fall, you've still done that work. Don't give up and don't beat yourself up. "It's only one day. It's not your whole life."
Here's a link to the youtube video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nan4Kdtz-9w
Check out these tracks also: LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, PRAY FOR ME, & TOMORROW.
I'm sure you can find all of them on YouTube also.
Hopefully you like them...
Wow, I'm so far behind. I intended to respond yesterday, and didn't get to it. I am happy to talk as well. I really appreciate that you are coming here to try to support your girlfriend. I also have had an eating disorder for a long time and if it helps at all to know this, I very much agree with the advice you've been given so far on this forum. I know that if someone heard me in the bathroom purging, the worst thing that could possibly happen would be for them to try to stop me. That's actually my biggest fear. So I would not suggest saying anything while she's doing it. It might make her feel very much ashamed, almost as if there's been some sort of invasion, and more secretive about things. I think if you feel you need to say something, asking her if she's okay afterward might be fine. Or at a later time when she hasn't just finished being sick and you feel like you all can talk, maybe tell her you are worried about her, and that you are concerned that she is purging again. Just be sure to say it in a way that is not accusatory. Use "I" statements, and follow by expressing your desire to help, or maybe see if there's something you can do to help her. If she denies it and you see that it's going nowhere, then it's okay to drop it. Like others have said, it's gotta be in her time.
I also agree about not saying anything to her therapist privately. I think if you go to the appointment with her and they are talking about her behaviors and she brings it up, then it would be okay to discuss it with her there. In fact, that might be a good time to express your concern. That way the therapist is there also and can hear what you have to say. Use your judgment though. The first time you go might be a bad time depending on what the goal is having you there, you know? If it comes up though, by all means, take advantage of the opportunity. It might help her, and even relieve her.
I'm happy to answer any questions, or talk further. I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner. =)
Ashley
I also agree about not saying anything to her therapist privately. I think if you go to the appointment with her and they are talking about her behaviors and she brings it up, then it would be okay to discuss it with her there. In fact, that might be a good time to express your concern. That way the therapist is there also and can hear what you have to say. Use your judgment though. The first time you go might be a bad time depending on what the goal is having you there, you know? If it comes up though, by all means, take advantage of the opportunity. It might help her, and even relieve her.
I'm happy to answer any questions, or talk further. I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner. =)
Ashley
;-)
Thanks again.
I've been reading up on a lot of things.
I'll never understand it like someone who lives it. But, that's okay. It's not my job to.
I just want to learn. And listen. And be there.
And hopefully she can realize how caring, compassionate, and understanding I can be.
And she's not alone. This is life. Her life. And it's hers to choose what to do with it. The ball is in her court.
But, I understand that doesn't and won't happen over night.
And, I'll be there every step of the way for her if and when she needs me.
Thanks again.
I've been reading up on a lot of things.
I'll never understand it like someone who lives it. But, that's okay. It's not my job to.
I just want to learn. And listen. And be there.
And hopefully she can realize how caring, compassionate, and understanding I can be.
And she's not alone. This is life. Her life. And it's hers to choose what to do with it. The ball is in her court.
But, I understand that doesn't and won't happen over night.
And, I'll be there every step of the way for her if and when she needs me.
Okay...
Just your opinion...
I totally came across this info on accident...
A couple days ago, she told me that she's sorry but took some of my leftover food to her brother at work because he was hungry. I didn't think twice about it. No problem.
Well, today when talking to her brother I said, "So, how was my food the other morning?"
I was just giving him a hard time...
He was clueless.
I didn't go any further with her brother.
And, I'm debating if I should bring it up to her. I know that saying too much could just cause her to "hide" more. And, there's no way before to know what she would do.
Is it totally out of the question to say anything. Even something like...
"Hey. Are you okay? Is there anything bothering you? Or, anything on your mind that you want to talk about?"
I'm assuming that even in a calm manner I shouldn't bring up the situation. And believe me, I didn't want to tell her brother anymore and have him blindly give her a hard time...
What should I do?
Just your opinion...
I totally came across this info on accident...
A couple days ago, she told me that she's sorry but took some of my leftover food to her brother at work because he was hungry. I didn't think twice about it. No problem.
Well, today when talking to her brother I said, "So, how was my food the other morning?"
I was just giving him a hard time...
He was clueless.
I didn't go any further with her brother.
And, I'm debating if I should bring it up to her. I know that saying too much could just cause her to "hide" more. And, there's no way before to know what she would do.
Is it totally out of the question to say anything. Even something like...
"Hey. Are you okay? Is there anything bothering you? Or, anything on your mind that you want to talk about?"
I'm assuming that even in a calm manner I shouldn't bring up the situation. And believe me, I didn't want to tell her brother anymore and have him blindly give her a hard time...
What should I do?
Again, thanks again.
Just talking on here has helped me realize some things.
Although, I only have the best intentions, I'm glad I didn't just react.
I wouldn't have intended any harm, but it may have only made things worse.
All that said, the ball's in her court.
I just want to be there always...And I will be...
Thanks for all the great advice...
Just talking on here has helped me realize some things.
Although, I only have the best intentions, I'm glad I didn't just react.
I wouldn't have intended any harm, but it may have only made things worse.
All that said, the ball's in her court.
I just want to be there always...And I will be...
Thanks for all the great advice...
Ultimately, you know your girlfriend better than any stranger on a board, and how she might react. You might want to have a talk at a neutral time (or with the therapist) about how she would like you to treat it "if you should hear or see something." Or you might try gently asking her when she comes out of the bathroom, "Are you ok?" And then take her cues. If the bathroom is close to where she knows you are sitting she may want you to hear. But if you moved up to listen at the door, that would probably freak her out.
I can't thank you enough for the suggestions.
This is very important to me, and no matter my feelings now, I will do everything I can to help her...Even if that is just listening and not preaching. I don't do that now, but I'm just stressing to you that I trust your knowledge and it's what deep down I know I should do. Hell, it's all I can do. It's her fight, and it's up to her to choose who's on her team and how to use those players to win the fight.
Lastly, what would your suggestion be if I do hear her in the bathroom purging?
I know I can't barge in and accuse or stop it. But, what can I say gently? I mean, should I let her know that I heard it? Or, could that just possibly cause her to want to hide more? Other than more support, is there anything I could do? And by anything, that may mean doing nothing. I know that.
Again, I can't thank you enough for the advice.
This is very important to me, and no matter my feelings now, I will do everything I can to help her...Even if that is just listening and not preaching. I don't do that now, but I'm just stressing to you that I trust your knowledge and it's what deep down I know I should do. Hell, it's all I can do. It's her fight, and it's up to her to choose who's on her team and how to use those players to win the fight.
Lastly, what would your suggestion be if I do hear her in the bathroom purging?
I know I can't barge in and accuse or stop it. But, what can I say gently? I mean, should I let her know that I heard it? Or, could that just possibly cause her to want to hide more? Other than more support, is there anything I could do? And by anything, that may mean doing nothing. I know that.
Again, I can't thank you enough for the advice.
The best way to know how to help someone is to ask. Even though two people may have an eating disorder, and there are things we have in common, there are also individual differences. To tell you a little about myself, I have fifteen years recovery from my own eating disorder, and during those fifteen years I have helped many others, all of whom are different. One of the things we have in common is issues with control, that is part of the underlying psychological pinnings of EDs. So again, even though I am very touched by your desire to help your girlfriend, please remember it is HER recovery. You can't do it for her.
One of the best things you can say to someone struggling with any emotional battle is "How can I help?" That is a simple open-ended question that says a lot: I'm here for you, I want to help you, and you are the one to say what help you do (and don't ! ) want. You may want to say this in your own way, about how much you care and feel helpless, and want to be there for her. That you are worried about saying/doing the wrong thing, etc. Then listen as closely as you can to the answer. It may not be what you want, she may not be able to take all you are wanting to give...at least right now, if that is the case, you have to accept that. You don't need to "say all the right things", you don't need to "know all about eating disorders." All you really need to do is listen, and that's both a lot easier (no expert knowledge needed) and harder (you want to do it all, to help her, to love her enough to take away her pain, and that may not be in our power.)
No, I wouldn't speak to the therapist privately, and most ethical therapists would not support this unless it were a true emergency. She has invited you to come to therapy and that is great. THAT is the forum to say what you need to say, gently, openly, honestly. If you want to say "I'm worried that you are still struggling", say that without accusing, with all the love and concern you so obviously feel. And if she denies it....you need to let her do that. Eating Disorders are about secrecy, shame and hidden behaviors. To get better, we need to open ourselves up, but it's frightening. You love her but four months is not very long. Perhaps she has hidden her disease for years and years. Let her open up at her own pace.
There are magic words you can say, Ben, but they aren't ones about Eating Disorders. They are just the things you have said here, that you love her and will stand by her no matter what.It's really as simple as that. After that it's up to her.
One of the best things you can say to someone struggling with any emotional battle is "How can I help?" That is a simple open-ended question that says a lot: I'm here for you, I want to help you, and you are the one to say what help you do (and don't ! ) want. You may want to say this in your own way, about how much you care and feel helpless, and want to be there for her. That you are worried about saying/doing the wrong thing, etc. Then listen as closely as you can to the answer. It may not be what you want, she may not be able to take all you are wanting to give...at least right now, if that is the case, you have to accept that. You don't need to "say all the right things", you don't need to "know all about eating disorders." All you really need to do is listen, and that's both a lot easier (no expert knowledge needed) and harder (you want to do it all, to help her, to love her enough to take away her pain, and that may not be in our power.)
No, I wouldn't speak to the therapist privately, and most ethical therapists would not support this unless it were a true emergency. She has invited you to come to therapy and that is great. THAT is the forum to say what you need to say, gently, openly, honestly. If you want to say "I'm worried that you are still struggling", say that without accusing, with all the love and concern you so obviously feel. And if she denies it....you need to let her do that. Eating Disorders are about secrecy, shame and hidden behaviors. To get better, we need to open ourselves up, but it's frightening. You love her but four months is not very long. Perhaps she has hidden her disease for years and years. Let her open up at her own pace.
There are magic words you can say, Ben, but they aren't ones about Eating Disorders. They are just the things you have said here, that you love her and will stand by her no matter what.It's really as simple as that. After that it's up to her.
Thank you for the advice and website. I'll check it out immediately.
And, although not over it (are we ever), I do have my addiction in check.
I know that's hard to believe coming from an addict. Ha! But, it's true.
I'm a fighter and always have been! I have tremendous determination and will.
I'm being honest in telling you that I'm not worried one bit about relapsing myself.
The only thing I was scared of is the emotional roller coaster involved with taking/quitting these drugs. I was terrified to face many things. But, I have taken tremendous strides over recent time.
Like I said, and I don't want to get too specific in this forum, I am at the very end of a very specific taper plan. My girlfriend has been nothing but absolutely supportive of me. She has said that she is willing to do anything for me.
Again, my fear is that I'm causing her too much stress. I don't want to feel that...Just when I feel like I can finally be totally open.
But, we will both come out on top of this. It's a process that takes time. Nothing heals overnight. The hard part is coming to terms with that.
We both have very strong, supportive families and friends...And most importantly, eachother.
So, we will get through this. That's why I came here.
And, although not over it (are we ever), I do have my addiction in check.
I know that's hard to believe coming from an addict. Ha! But, it's true.
I'm a fighter and always have been! I have tremendous determination and will.
I'm being honest in telling you that I'm not worried one bit about relapsing myself.
The only thing I was scared of is the emotional roller coaster involved with taking/quitting these drugs. I was terrified to face many things. But, I have taken tremendous strides over recent time.
Like I said, and I don't want to get too specific in this forum, I am at the very end of a very specific taper plan. My girlfriend has been nothing but absolutely supportive of me. She has said that she is willing to do anything for me.
Again, my fear is that I'm causing her too much stress. I don't want to feel that...Just when I feel like I can finally be totally open.
But, we will both come out on top of this. It's a process that takes time. Nothing heals overnight. The hard part is coming to terms with that.
We both have very strong, supportive families and friends...And most importantly, eachother.
So, we will get through this. That's why I came here.
Thank you for the response, Zoelula.
Ha! You are correct. I will not take my drug of choice after about a week. I'm on a strict taper schedule, and without being able to explain it, I have had enough of the drug.
I am very conscious of the road I have ahead of MYSELF. That's what kept me "taking those pills" for so long. I was afraid of the road I had to travel. And, that leads back to me never opening up to anyone and hiding all my problems within myself.
It's a very destructive cycle, but there are many reasons why I have finally taken these steps to rid myself of this drug.
The thing that really made me reevaluate my life is this girl. She feels like my guardian angel. Taking the drugs regularly is not an option anymore. I know it's probably cliche for an addict to say that, but my will is strong. I haven't had cravings. I'm done! Again, I've done a lot of research and know what lies ahead. You can't get help unless you want help.
But, I'm here in this forum to talk about her.
I don't think I conveyed my thoughts very clearly.
By asking what I can do to help her, I was thinking along the lines of what are some trigger words to stay away from? What are some positive words to use. I know my intention is to be understanding, but how can I portray that to her? You know, how can I help without being too intrusive?
And, I wasn't going to lose my battle, but knowing hers is only more motivation for me. I NEED to get better to be here for her. I know that although I'm not getting high and nearing my end with my drug of choice, I still have a long emotional, mental recovery ahead of me.
When her and I opened up to eachother, I explained that to her. We both agreed that although different specifics, we have many of the same problems. We have treated ourselves the same way for a long time. We both just had a different way of coping/hiding.
Well, now my fear is that her opening up to me and feeling vulnerable has caused her so much stress, anxiety, self loathing that she's relapsed.
I hate saying that's okay, but it's part of the journey. I want to be able to tell her that relapsing doesn't mean she's back to square one. She still has made many many strides in her recovery. I don't know how to gently tell her that.
There's many things I'm feeling and many things I want to say, but I don't know how to put it in a way that won't "overwhelm" her more.
Does that make sense?
Oh, and she actually asked me to come meet her therapist next week. Which I am all for. I am willing to do anything to help her. And, if helping means just "being supportive", I'm fine with that.
But, I'm having a hard time with the term "being supportive" being too vague.
I understand that I have to being nothing but supportive. And, that's my plan.
But, like I was saying, do you have any suggestions to words or topics I should stay away from. Really, I want her to talk to me, and I want to listen. But, when I do talk, what should I be focusing on. Not having an eating disorder myself, I don't know a lot of the triggers. I can NEVER understand exactly what she is feeling. And, that's okay. That's why I'm asking you. But, having my own addiction, I'm able to understand how fragile and sensitive she is.
Neither of us are mean, spiteful people. We're both very good people. And I want her to know that. She's not a bad person. Never was. Never will be. I wouldn't have her any other way. She's her, and that's what I love. I tell her often what a great person and how beautiful she is. But, by talking about her beauty, even in a positive manner, am I stressing image too much? Could that in her mind just draw attention to what she thinks are flaws?
I don't know. That's why I'm asking.
I also understand that my trying too hard, or writing on this board could be seen as a betrayal/intrusion. And you're right, it's my attempt to educate myself in order to be as supportive as possible. But, I can only beat myself up so much also.
Not being a health professional myself, there has to be someone I can talk to or confide in...Someone that could help her more than I can.
That's why I was wondering if it would be wise to privately talk to her therapist when she brings me to meet her. (BTW, her therapist for over a month has been telling her that she has to tell me.) I could maybe just get a card, and call on my free time privately. I would assume the therapist would know how to use what I tell her and turn it into something positive for my girlfriend. My fear is that the therapist would tell her that I am worrying about her. That's obviously something I don't think any therapist would do, but then I could really understand if my girlfriend didn't trust me after that.
Do you think it's a good idea to tell the therapist that I'm concerned that she has relapsed?
And, as far as the very thin goes, that's all I've known of her. I saw pictures of her in high school, and she looked great. But, she's been on the thin side for some time as I can see from many pictures over the years.
I understand that exercise isn't a bad thing. Hell, I've found it to be a great release and rush of positive endorphins. I've been exercising regularly during my recovery and it's done wonders for me. But, I know that excessive exercising is one of the warning signs of an eating disorder. So, I'm kind of confused there.
I just want to be there for her. And, I will be. There's no doubt in my mind. There's nothing she could tell me that could scare me away or make me think twice about her.
She's such a great girl, and I will never judge her over this. Never!
Again, I might be a little scattered, but I had a lot of things to address...
;-)
Thanks again for taking the time to write. And, I just hope I can learn something on this board.
Ha! You are correct. I will not take my drug of choice after about a week. I'm on a strict taper schedule, and without being able to explain it, I have had enough of the drug.
I am very conscious of the road I have ahead of MYSELF. That's what kept me "taking those pills" for so long. I was afraid of the road I had to travel. And, that leads back to me never opening up to anyone and hiding all my problems within myself.
It's a very destructive cycle, but there are many reasons why I have finally taken these steps to rid myself of this drug.
The thing that really made me reevaluate my life is this girl. She feels like my guardian angel. Taking the drugs regularly is not an option anymore. I know it's probably cliche for an addict to say that, but my will is strong. I haven't had cravings. I'm done! Again, I've done a lot of research and know what lies ahead. You can't get help unless you want help.
But, I'm here in this forum to talk about her.
I don't think I conveyed my thoughts very clearly.
By asking what I can do to help her, I was thinking along the lines of what are some trigger words to stay away from? What are some positive words to use. I know my intention is to be understanding, but how can I portray that to her? You know, how can I help without being too intrusive?
And, I wasn't going to lose my battle, but knowing hers is only more motivation for me. I NEED to get better to be here for her. I know that although I'm not getting high and nearing my end with my drug of choice, I still have a long emotional, mental recovery ahead of me.
When her and I opened up to eachother, I explained that to her. We both agreed that although different specifics, we have many of the same problems. We have treated ourselves the same way for a long time. We both just had a different way of coping/hiding.
Well, now my fear is that her opening up to me and feeling vulnerable has caused her so much stress, anxiety, self loathing that she's relapsed.
I hate saying that's okay, but it's part of the journey. I want to be able to tell her that relapsing doesn't mean she's back to square one. She still has made many many strides in her recovery. I don't know how to gently tell her that.
There's many things I'm feeling and many things I want to say, but I don't know how to put it in a way that won't "overwhelm" her more.
Does that make sense?
Oh, and she actually asked me to come meet her therapist next week. Which I am all for. I am willing to do anything to help her. And, if helping means just "being supportive", I'm fine with that.
But, I'm having a hard time with the term "being supportive" being too vague.
I understand that I have to being nothing but supportive. And, that's my plan.
But, like I was saying, do you have any suggestions to words or topics I should stay away from. Really, I want her to talk to me, and I want to listen. But, when I do talk, what should I be focusing on. Not having an eating disorder myself, I don't know a lot of the triggers. I can NEVER understand exactly what she is feeling. And, that's okay. That's why I'm asking you. But, having my own addiction, I'm able to understand how fragile and sensitive she is.
Neither of us are mean, spiteful people. We're both very good people. And I want her to know that. She's not a bad person. Never was. Never will be. I wouldn't have her any other way. She's her, and that's what I love. I tell her often what a great person and how beautiful she is. But, by talking about her beauty, even in a positive manner, am I stressing image too much? Could that in her mind just draw attention to what she thinks are flaws?
I don't know. That's why I'm asking.
I also understand that my trying too hard, or writing on this board could be seen as a betrayal/intrusion. And you're right, it's my attempt to educate myself in order to be as supportive as possible. But, I can only beat myself up so much also.
Not being a health professional myself, there has to be someone I can talk to or confide in...Someone that could help her more than I can.
That's why I was wondering if it would be wise to privately talk to her therapist when she brings me to meet her. (BTW, her therapist for over a month has been telling her that she has to tell me.) I could maybe just get a card, and call on my free time privately. I would assume the therapist would know how to use what I tell her and turn it into something positive for my girlfriend. My fear is that the therapist would tell her that I am worrying about her. That's obviously something I don't think any therapist would do, but then I could really understand if my girlfriend didn't trust me after that.
Do you think it's a good idea to tell the therapist that I'm concerned that she has relapsed?
And, as far as the very thin goes, that's all I've known of her. I saw pictures of her in high school, and she looked great. But, she's been on the thin side for some time as I can see from many pictures over the years.
I understand that exercise isn't a bad thing. Hell, I've found it to be a great release and rush of positive endorphins. I've been exercising regularly during my recovery and it's done wonders for me. But, I know that excessive exercising is one of the warning signs of an eating disorder. So, I'm kind of confused there.
I just want to be there for her. And, I will be. There's no doubt in my mind. There's nothing she could tell me that could scare me away or make me think twice about her.
She's such a great girl, and I will never judge her over this. Never!
Again, I might be a little scattered, but I had a lot of things to address...
;-)
Thanks again for taking the time to write. And, I just hope I can learn something on this board.
Eating disorders are extreamly tricky. Signs to look for are even harder if you don't know what your looking at. If her bulimia or anorexica is kicking up you'll notice. Cuts or nicks on her knuckles, puffy cheeks, red eyes, wanting to eat alone or avoiding eating with you, using the bathroom after meals, laxitive use, over excersicing, eating lots of junk food, running water in the batheroom, are all signs of an eating disorder.\
I know you want to help your girlfriend, but first you need to get your own addiction in check.
If you want to help her, edgicate yourslef on disorders: somethingfishy.org is a great website for information.Be supportive, but not over protective.
I know you want to help your girlfriend, but first you need to get your own addiction in check.
If you want to help her, edgicate yourslef on disorders: somethingfishy.org is a great website for information.Be supportive, but not over protective.
Hi BenHawk
I have to tell you, you have, as they say, a "hard row to hoe". Addiction is, in and of itself, a very complex disease that affects a person on all levels: physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual. And recovery is something that has to happen on all those levels and it happens over time, not all at once; you said something about you will be "done" with your addiction in a week. I'm assuming you meant stop using your drug of choice, but you will not be done in a week.
When you add in a relationship to not one but two separate and different addictions, you make a very complex and difficult mix indeed. The standard advice to people in recovery is not to get involved in a relationship for a year, and there is good reason for this! When one's addiction is active, one is pretty much not capable of being a part of a relationship, not a healthy one at any rate. And early recovery, while a good and exciting time, is also a time in which people are pretty much on a roller coaster of thoughts, feelings, and physical stressors; not the best time to be in a stable relationship either.
But you two are already in a relationship, and you have made some good steps by talking to each other honestly about your problems. On the other hand, you are walking over a mine field. Your posting to this Board was, I believe, a sincere attempt to learn how to help the one you love. It could also be seen as a betrayal and an intrusion. It may be hard to accept this, but it is not your job to help her. It is her job. All you can do is support her in her efforts...successful or not so much...to do that job. The only person you can help is you. And you have enough on your plate right now. I encourage you to focus on yourself and your own need for recovery, because that is what you need to do if you ever hope to have a good relationship.
Your feelings, your frustration, your fear, are understandable. But if you catch yourself up in HER struggle, it will only frustrate you and add to her probably already large pile of guilt and shame. Whether you like it or not, if she is hiding things from you there is a reason for that. I suggest perhaps you attend a meeting of Alanon. Alanon is for people whose loved one is an alcoholic, but the same principles apply to EDs. It will help you deal with your own powerlessness over her disease. Another option is to ask your girlfriend how she would feel about your coming to one or more sessions of therapy with her, and then accept it if she isn't comfortable with that (or the therapist isn't).
Just a couple random comments: Being a vegetarian and exercising are not symptoms of an eating disorder. (Though anything if taken to extreme can be). It is, I suppose, a matter of personal taste to see "very thin" as beautiful. However, being very thin is not healthy, especially if, as in this case, it's a sign of an underlying eating disorder.
I have to tell you, you have, as they say, a "hard row to hoe". Addiction is, in and of itself, a very complex disease that affects a person on all levels: physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual. And recovery is something that has to happen on all those levels and it happens over time, not all at once; you said something about you will be "done" with your addiction in a week. I'm assuming you meant stop using your drug of choice, but you will not be done in a week.
When you add in a relationship to not one but two separate and different addictions, you make a very complex and difficult mix indeed. The standard advice to people in recovery is not to get involved in a relationship for a year, and there is good reason for this! When one's addiction is active, one is pretty much not capable of being a part of a relationship, not a healthy one at any rate. And early recovery, while a good and exciting time, is also a time in which people are pretty much on a roller coaster of thoughts, feelings, and physical stressors; not the best time to be in a stable relationship either.
But you two are already in a relationship, and you have made some good steps by talking to each other honestly about your problems. On the other hand, you are walking over a mine field. Your posting to this Board was, I believe, a sincere attempt to learn how to help the one you love. It could also be seen as a betrayal and an intrusion. It may be hard to accept this, but it is not your job to help her. It is her job. All you can do is support her in her efforts...successful or not so much...to do that job. The only person you can help is you. And you have enough on your plate right now. I encourage you to focus on yourself and your own need for recovery, because that is what you need to do if you ever hope to have a good relationship.
Your feelings, your frustration, your fear, are understandable. But if you catch yourself up in HER struggle, it will only frustrate you and add to her probably already large pile of guilt and shame. Whether you like it or not, if she is hiding things from you there is a reason for that. I suggest perhaps you attend a meeting of Alanon. Alanon is for people whose loved one is an alcoholic, but the same principles apply to EDs. It will help you deal with your own powerlessness over her disease. Another option is to ask your girlfriend how she would feel about your coming to one or more sessions of therapy with her, and then accept it if she isn't comfortable with that (or the therapist isn't).
Just a couple random comments: Being a vegetarian and exercising are not symptoms of an eating disorder. (Though anything if taken to extreme can be). It is, I suppose, a matter of personal taste to see "very thin" as beautiful. However, being very thin is not healthy, especially if, as in this case, it's a sign of an underlying eating disorder.
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