Other recovering bulimics?

[livelaughlove88]

Hi :) I really want to meet other recovering bulimics. I've been throwing up 1-5 times per day for about 3 years. I am so addicted. I'd really like to be able to find people to talk to who are going through something similar. No one I know gets it.

[Daveyspears]

Hey i've was bulimic for years, but i stopped nearly a year ago, i feel better but i still have swollen glands, if you need a chat get in contact ***@****

[livelaughlove88]

You're really right about replacing bulimia with being ALIVE. Living....without constantly seeking numbness and shallow comfort. I definitely want that. In terms of getting help, I have tried to find some. Last year, after two incredibly secretive years of bulimia at boarding school, I had a seizure as a result of serious dehydration/laxitive abuse/purging 5 or more times a day/and eating nothing but binge food. I was so terrified by the seizure (I was locked in a bathroom by myself and I hit my head on the tile sink....if would have been a long time before anyone found me if I hadn't woken up) that I confessed my bulimia to my mother, school nurse, and dorm counselor. It was such a relief. I really wanted to go into a residential program to get back my life. I went to the small town emergency room after my seizure and was asked by the doctor, "so you're bulimic...you mean you're nauseous a lot....?" he admittedly had never met anyone with an eating disorder before. He printed out a two page pamphlet on bulimia and gave it to me on my way out the door. After that, I looked for programs that could help me. My insurance wouldn't cover any of them. The school kicked me out because they weren't "suited for my problem." I spent the whole rest of the year SEARCHING for some place that would take me and wasn't too expensive. My mom and I got into TERRIBLE physical fights the whole time. She tried to physically stop me from purging, and I was so out of control....it was impossible. Now I see a therapist once a week (who coincidentally used to struggle with bulimia) and I really like her. My eating disorder is MUCH better than it was two years ago. I know it sounds strange because I still binge and purge daily....but it doesn't completely consume me anymore. I've been through three different stages of bulimia. At first it controlled my life (meaning that I had a life outside of my disorder, but that it was dictated by bulimia), and then it fully consumed my life (I lost all my friends and spent literally entire days eating and throwing up until I passed out), and now I can't live without it. It sounds awful, but this most recent stage is the best it has ever been. I have a full life with interests, a job, and friends. I usually have enough control to manage everything and function. But the stress of life and daily anxiety makes it impossible for me to cope without bulimia (or soon, something to take its place).

I understand the lure of anorexia too. When I was 11-14 I starved myself. It was only when I went to boarding school that I couldn't keep it up. I had to eat in front of my teachers and nurses so that they wouldn't be suspicious. Then, of course, I'd throw up. After I realized that I could eat the things I wanted so badly when i was starving without gaining weight, I was hooked. I stopped eating just for appearances and started binging secretly. From then on, bulimia became my addiction. The whole too-good-to-be-true mentality wore off after a few months, and ever since then my disorder has made me miserable.

Anyways, sorry for the super long message!

[shlee1016]

That's great that you are so motivated to get better. I understand how it can be comforting in a way. Think about it though. Is it REALLY comforting to know something has such control over your life like this? Or that something is stealing away your life, who you are, what you do, your thoughts, your feelings, everything? I think that what will replace this is getting your life back. You will learn who you are, what you like to do, hobbies, interests, things that your eating disorder has been holding you back from. You will learn things about yourself that you didn't even know because your eating disorder has not allowed you to see because it's been your focus. It's not really something you can do alone though. All of this will replace your eating disorder and fill the hole that you are trying to fill with food. Obviously though, food is only temporary. It's not working right? You have to keep using it by b/p again and again. So, have you thought about getting help?

For me, it started with me starving myself. I was very much anorexic. I was about 13. As time passed, and my family was trying to force me to eat, this is when I figured that I could eat every now and then to get them off my back, and then get rid of it. That's how I began throwing up, though I wasn't really fullswing bulimic for awhile. I was mostly just not eating. Ever since then I've just been back and forth, back and forth between the behaviors. Now, I still very much struggle with both. I'm trying. I want to get better and I know that what I'm doing isn't working for me in life, you know? I really want to stop b/p. I hate it so much.  

[livelaughlove88]

Hey! Thanks so much for responding. I really, really, really want to get better. I've been trying for more than a year. The longest I've gone without throwing up is two months, but outside of that time, I've done it pretty much every day. I just like the feeling of freedom from consequences. I know that there ARE consequences...but feeling like I can eat anything (and everything) without gaining anything is somehow...comforting. I'm looking for something to replace the obsession with food in my life. My bulimia really takes away from who I am as a person.
     How did your disorder start? How is it now?

[shlee1016]

You can talk to me anytime. I'm anorexic and bulimic but trying hard to get better. I bet I can relate to you. Do you want to get better?