Please help, i just feel like giving up now :( ... anorexia relapse?

[fatty00]

ive had anorexia since 12 years old, im now nearly 19.
ive tried to recover so many times, but when i was younger i couldnt last long and i soon relapsed.

however ive been in long term recovery for about a year and a half now! with only a few minor set backs. but now im sufferening with quite a severe relapse :(
im even getting the urge to purge (i only ever had that urge a few times and its when ive been my worst..... at my lowest weight which was 91lbs at 5ft 5... im a girls so that gave me a bmi of about 15.

so im becoming really worried because i dont know what to do :( this time its come back so strong and i just cant seem to fight it
i thought i was recovered ... but now i definately know im not :(
i just feel like giving up now, because i dont want to live my whole life with this disease and i just seem to not be able to recover :(
why do i have to be so week?

none of my family know about me even suffering with this disease so i just dont know what to do :(
i want to get better and be happy again but i just cant :(... the voice is to strong :(

can anyone offer me any advice? like anythiong i can do to try and recover completely.
has anyone been in this situation before?
is it normal to get a relapse like this?

i just dont want to live with this anymore :(

p.s. im to scared and worried to ask for help from and professionals or family members... i just want to try and help myself. ive managed to get this far without any help so i should be able to recover on my own

[Scallybags]

You obviously have no idea about what Eds are all about

[PatsyBrown]

I suffered from bulimia through my twenties. Looking back, the signs were there in childhood when I remember thinking 'I'd rather die than be fat'. I was not abused or bullied but I am a perfectionist which I think makes me inclined towards eating disorders. I also suspect my mum had eating disorders. She would always comment on people's weights so perhaps I learnt it from her. At 41 I am free of bulimia but still look at happy fat people with a certain  admiration. I have had time to analyse my own behaviour & recognise that my 'attacks' were brought on by stress or emotional triggers. Over 20 years I have learnt other ways of coping with & responding to these triggers.

As a teenager I discovered the joy of feeling super thin after skipping a meal. Ive always been fairly slim (at 5'4.5'', Ive ranged as an adult from 7 stone 10 to 9 stone 7. Now Ive settled at 8 stone 5-ish) but became hyper-aware of every pound. I would stuff my face in public then quietly starve myself by skipping meals & eating just carrots or chewing gum & drinking diet coke. I pretended to friends & family that I had already eaten if they offered me food.

When I went to Spain to live in a rural community for my gap year, I was working only 14 hours a week at a school & experienced real boredom for the first time. This is when I started buying packets of biscuits from the local shop & throwing them up. It was difficult to throw up at first but I got better at it. If I didn't feel like I had successfully brought everything up, I would skip a meal. Or two.

Going into my mid twenties I would binge on a Sunday & early in the week then starve myself from mid-week onwards so I felt thin for going out at the weekend. I never told anyone. When living in a shared house I would wait till the others were out & steal other people's biscuits, bread or cereal if I didn't have my own. Come tea time I would eat nothing or if others were around I would deliberately & conspicuously eat something like cereal or beans on toast, spread out to make it look more substantial, & padded out with some leaves or something lo-cal & I would lie that I had been out for a huge lunch somewhere. The next day after bingeing & throwing up my face would be all puffy. While throwing up my eyes would become bloodshot. The acid in the vomit attacks the enamel on your teeth. My teeth are now slightly pitted. Since recovering in my thirties I have told my husband & a couple of friends. There weren't internet forums when I was suffering but I think these are great because speaking to friends & family seems impossible at the time. However you do need to offload to someone because you lose perspective when you are going through things yourself.

Meeting my husband when I turned 30 was a turning point. He enjoys good round meals 3 times a day & enjoyed cooking for me & eating with me. At first I was throwing up less but was still binge eating in private so I would ask for a tiny portion of meat plus a plate of steamed veg. As time has gone on, Ive very gradually learnt to eat like him. Smaller portions (I'm a lot smaller than him), but healthy portions.

My advice to someone going through what I went through is to speak to people on a forum if you can't speak to friends/family/therapists face-to-face. Find a focus in life which takes you out & makes you forget about food. This focus can be a hobby or a job, voluntary or paid. We all need to feel valued & loved. If you can achieve something however small, you will feel valued. If you feel valued you will love yourself more. If you love yourself it is easier for others to love you too. Help other people. Sign yourself up to volunteer for a local, national or international charity. Don't buy junk food & force yourself to eat 3 round meals a day because it's not until you are eating properly that you will stop craving & obsessing about food. If eating 3 meals makes you feel fat at first, take some exercise. We are all human. We all fall & fail. It isn't the falling & failing that defines us it is how we move on from that, that counts. Move onwards. Move upwards.

[Nickie35]

Hi there. I know this is hard for you. I didn't have anorexia myself, I had bulimia though, and few of my friends were/are suffering from anorexia. First of all, no matter what you think when you look at yourself in the mirror, I want you to know that you ARE beautiful. As long as you are eating healthy and your weight is in normal range, you are NOT fat. It is normal to have relapses, it is normal to have setbacks. The great thing is that you still want to keep going in the right direction. Now, I know that this may be hard, but you should try to think of food as your friend that allows you to do all the activities you want to. Think about nurturing your body, giving it enough energy  to stay alive, battle infections and allows you to live. You don't have to talk to professionals, or family if you don't want to, but from my experience it usually helps when someone around you (friend, sibling, parent, etc.) knows that you are struggling, because it's sort of extra motivation to keep going and not to give up. You can also try to write down how your mood, behavior, relationships, etc change when you do and don't eat and always remind yourself of the positives of eating normally. Stay Strong! and don't give up beautiful girl. If you want to talk more about it you can write me a message or something. much love

[Goolsby50]

You sound so much like me, please don't give up. You need to seek professional help for this though. Relapsing is very normal for anybody with addictions, or disorders like anorexia. I also was a nerdy girl who was teases, bullied and still to this day have low self esteem. I also have the need to be in control over something because I feel like my life is out of my control.

Don't give up, it's just a setback. You can get back on track by forcing yourself to eat. I never purged, but I just didn't eat until the last week or so. I have never thought of myself as anorexic until I took a picture of myself and saw what i looked like,,,oh boy, what a surprise. You can also email me for support ,or any advice that I can provide you with at ***@****..

Stay strong, positive, know that you are beautiful and worthy of loving and being loved.

[debhut]

did you get my email?

[tryingsohard702]

well why dont you try and take control again? force yourself to eat and take a dry erase marker and write on all your mirrors "you are beautiful". if you would like, you can add me on facebook or email me or something :) i would be more than happy to talk :)

[fatty00]

I think it all started due to me wanting control and because I had so many self image issues I felt that dieting would be a good way to loose weight.

But then because I like control I started restricting my food intake until I was eating nothing most days. But I still was never happy with my weight and still thought I was fat even at my very lowest weight.

The reason why I wanted control so desperately was because alot of things were happening between the ages of 12 and 13. For example bullied, physically, mentally and sexually abused.


At the time I didnt know I was doing it for control but when I was in recovery thats when I realised.

But now im back on a relapse :( which I dont really know whats caused it

[tryingsohard702]

why dont you eat? is it because you arent hungry, because you dont feel like your skinny enough, because you dont think youre beautiful, or what? i can try to help you if you are willing to talk. :)