Relapsing and scared

[damagednotbroken]

Hi, I'm 20 years old and started binging and purging at the age of 16.  I kept it well hidden till I moved in with a friend last june09, and eventually she caught on.  She had been watching how much i could "put away" and then pay attention to when i went to the restroom. Her and my other friend did their own sort of intervention and sat me down in march10.  I was so ashamed.  I stopped, gradually but by may i felt i had it all under control.  Since i managed that i have gained bout 5-10 lbs.  im newly married in the end of june.  My husband knows of my past.  But sometimes joking around he'll say  how  ive gained weight or "wow you ate more then me"  Ive talked to him about it but its still hard to talk about it.  But since i have gained the weight i feel so ugly.  "i'm fat!" is all that comes to my mind when i get dressed or look in a full length mirror or anything.  So because of this i find myself relapsing from time and again.  Im hiding it well mainly at night again or when im alone.  Whats worse a nd what scares me now is days when i havnt binged and purged for a couple days i find myself just not eating, or eating barly enough not to draw attention.  I've never had problems with starving myself.  I'm scared and i'm too ashamed to talk to my friends or even my husband about it.  They really don't understand anyway.  I mean im 5'8 at 133lbs im a healthy weight in their eyes.  I need help!! I am just not sure where to turn at this point.

[damagednotbroken]

Thanks it means a lot hearing foe
Someone else who knows what I'm goin through.  Don't forget to have the same faith in yourself as my grandma used to say addictions don't control us until we let them I know I've let it before and I don't want it to again! Thank u sooo much! Anyway stay strong yourself and thanks forth idea about the letter:) most appppreciate
Elli

[meg613]

i'm not sure what to say, i am 17 and have made myself sick and starved myself since 14 and a the moment i am in starvation mode because i know i can't be sick because my parents found out and are watching me closely. the last time i was sick was on saturday, which for me is a long time ago.
you can do it, you CAN brake this before it takes controll of you, please believe me because i don't whant this for you.
go for a run, run untill you are about to pass out, it helps... trust me. then you can say to yourself that you are gaining muscle and burning cals. its easier to try and stop purging, don't think about stopping being sick although i know that this is the addiction but if you eat supper healthy and lots of v.small portions then you won't feel that you 'need' to be sick.

also i think you should tell your husband, i know it seems impossible but he will not be dissapointed in you, he loves you and think about it like this... if he was being sick then you would want to know you would want him to trust you to help. so if you can't TELL him then write him a letter and give it to him, say you will wait upstairs while he reads it and then wait. it is important not to blame him, even if you feel that way.

he will come up to your room and hug you and make you feel safe again.
i wish you a lot of luck and please believe that this has not taken control of you yet!!!!
megs