What damage am I doing?

[miaow]

I have been 'bulimic' on and off for about a decade. I go through periods of vomiting 7, 8, 9 times a day for weeks on end, then some weeks I starve myself, and some weeks I still overeat and binge, but do not purge. I frequently take between 15-20 laxatives. All this seems to be having increasing physical effects. Is there any chance I have not caused any serious damage? And is there any way I can get this checked out without having to tell anybody what I do?

[LeftCoastChick]

Why won't you seek help?

You really need it.Being completely honest is in your best interest. You aren't going to get locked away because you have it. As well, there is doctor patient confidentiality, so you don't have to worry that some how someone else finding out.

Bulemia can absolutely trash your body, of course the amount of abuse your putting your body through is going to hurt you. Bulemia and anorexia are slow forms of suicide, like many other addictions.  It will get worse without help.

Laxative abuse can cause permanent damage to your bowels and intestines, they also don't actually help with weight loss, for the fact the food's already been digested.
Being bulemic, you run the risk of rupturing the blood vessels in your throat and you could bleed out. You also run the risk of cancer in your colon, and you will eventually lose function to go to the washroom possibly.  You'll also see acid erosion of your teeth and lose of bone in your jaw.  You will also suffer from bone loss because your body gets starved enough it starts to eat itself.  I

I have a really severe case of reflux disease, I have scars and lesions in my esophogus, and I run the risk of throat cancer. I also have early onset osteoporisis, my bones in my feet are so fragile, I could break them just from walking, thankfully I haven't yet, but my dr. told me to expect it.  I've had 10 teeth pulled out, the enamal was so weak and my jaw bone thinned out so much, I'm now wearing a partial and I'm 40.  I was told by 45 that my teeth will probably be all gone. LIke Zoelula mentioned, get yourself into OA if you aren't willing to get further help, BUT you really need to.  I never thought I would rupture the vessels in my throat, I almost drowned in my own blood. IF that doesn't scare you enough, I don't know what will.  I'm not going to beat around the bush. This disease will kill you.

[Zoelula]

Perhaps at my age I look at things a bit differently. All the days, weeks and years I lost to being sick, miserable and self-hating; there's no way to get them back. All the relationships I lost because I had to hide my secret, perhaps there would have been more love in my life if I'd loved myself. As for physical, would I have diabetes today if I hadn't been bulimic? Would I have a thyroid problem?  I don't know. I'm luckier than most healthwise. People die from this disease.

Ok, how did I stop? I got to a point where I just couldn't live that way anymore. For me, drug abuse was always tied in to my eating disorder; when I stopped using drugs I realized my eating disorder was worse and the two were connected. I hated my life. How bad was it? I think I was worse than some and not as bad as others. It doesn't really matter; it's how you feel inside and how your life is affected by the eating disorder and mine was trashed.

After a lifetime of worrying about weight (and I was never obese, just the same 30 pounds up and down) I realized it wasn't about the weight at all; it was about how I felt about my body and the things that made me do. It sounds weird but to get well you have to let go of the obsession about weight and realize that none of it works, bulimics keep playing with that same 10 or 20 or 40 pounds and it rules their life. You have to get off the merry go round of binging and purging. For me I realized I was addicted to sugar as most of us are. I knew I couldn't control it and had to give it up altogether. I went to OA and got the support of others like me. Like people on here, they have been there so they don't judge. It's easier to tell your secret to people with the same one; it's a great relief actually. It took awhile and a couple false starts, but in time I gave up sugar completely, learned to eat three healthy satisfying meals a day, like who I am (including my body) and not obsess about weight. Oh yeah, and I've become an excellent cook because I now have a postive relationship with food, it's no longer the enemy.

[miaow]

Thanks for your reply. I know that realistically I will not seek medical help any time soon, even just writing about in on here fills me with panic, the thought of people knowing, and I don't think I could face that, being an 'official' sufferer, if that makes sense. But it is good to see and hear that I am totally not alone, and in an odd sense seeing that people, like yourself, have such long histories with all kinds of EDs stops me worrying so much about the effects, that maybe they're not so drastic. Though it also makes me think I don't want to reach 30 and still be doing the same old thing. How did you stop it after so long?
Thanks again :)

[Zoelula]

Nobody can tell you, miaow, what damage you have done to your body, but you already know there is physical consequences to bulimia, because you can feel it. The important thing is that you stop doing more damage and get help. You don't have to live this way. It isn't easy but it is possible to recovery from an eating disorder. I have 15 years recovery from my own 30 year history with bulimia.

You do have to tell at least one person...yourself....and you have done that by posting here. Now remove the quotes from bulimic and tell one person more: your doctor to get you started on the path to recovery. There is no shame in having bulimia (yes, I know it doesn't feel that way). It is a disease, one you need treatment for. Best wishes to you.