retarded ejaculation

[Ozzie408]

I am 56 and a fit healthy male. I have been in a relationship for 3 years. I was previously married for a long time. The marriage was not sexually fulfilling and for the past 25 I have not been able to ejaculate through intercourse although I have been able to through masturbation.
My partner and I have a very active sex life but in all the time I've known her I have been unable to ejaculate. I have recently tried to abstain from masturbation. For the past three months I have not masturbated in the hope it will change the pattern my body has obviously got used to over the years.
I was hoping this would be a solution to the problem but as yet it hasn't worked.
The anxiety is having an effect on my erection as well.
We are both very disturbed by this problem and would appreciate any helpful advice

[waringblender]

Was there anything specific that the sex therapist recommended? Usually the sex therapists are not just the "talky" people, I thought that they generally instituted practical things you can try to help with whatever the problem is.  

One thing you might consider is anti-anxiety medication, since your anxiety is now playing a large role in this situation. It's not necessarily something you need to take all the time, but just around the times you are sexual, for example. Might be something to talk to your doctor about. It also might be something that could be temporary, like if you get the anxiety under control for a while, you may be able to perform normally without the anti-anxiety medication.

Have you been to the doc since the anxiety started? You can also discuss Viagra or one of the other PDE5 meds with him if it is now affecting your erections.

Sorry this has been so frustrating for you. :( It sounds like you know how to please your partner even without an erection, so that's in your favor. :)

[Ozzie408]

Thanks for taking the trouble to reply. It seems from reading this forum that although not common this is a problem for more men than I thought!!!
Yes I have been to my doctor who refered me to a sex therapist.
Whilst it was helpful to finally talk about the problem with somebody else it didn't really help the problem.
Yes we have tried pretty much all kinds of masturbation and never been successful.
My desire and arousal with my partner still feel the same as the day we met.
The anxiety is having a major effect on my erection which I loose if my partner doesn't climax quickly.
This obviously puts her in a stressful situation.
After she has climaxed I relax and can maintain an erection for a long period and can also make love several times.
The highs and lows of this kind of sexual activity are incredibly stressful for both of us and have had severe results.  

[waringblender]

I wanted to add more, if you don't mind. :o) Is there ANY way that your partner can help you ejaculate? Like with a hand job, for example? Or during oral sex? I guess I just took  at face value that  when you said you haven't ejaculated, it was during all forms of sexual activity.

Anyway, I take it you two have tried these different things to no avail?

[waringblender]

I think maybe sex therapy might be in order. It doesn't sound like the erectile issue started until you became anxious, so it doesn't appear to be a typical E.D. pattern that occurs in men naturally at your age.

First thing to do is talk to your family doc about the issue. I'm guessing there is nothing physically wrong with you, however, and that the history of non-ejaculation stems from the past relationship with the ex. However, start with your family doc, and maybe (s)he can even refer you out to a good sex therapist. If they don't know of one, get a referral to a decent general psychotherapist, who can then either see you themselves or refer you on to a decent sex therapist.  

For the record, I date men in your age group (I'm 49) and I've seen, not exactly the same, but very similar sexual issues to this in the past couple of partners I've had, both around your age. Those long marriages without a healthy sex life can really do a number on a person's psyche and self-esteem and sexual health, no question.

Good luck.