I'm addicted to working out and I am not sure how to find the balance

[ciqala]

I know what a balance should be, I just cannot seem to do it. It's all or nothing.
So please don't tell me facts. I know all the facts of what to do. I need advice on how to get the motivation to do it.
Like, I know im supposed to NOT workout for 10 hours straight but how do i go about doing little activities. It makes me feel so... pathetic when i try and take it easy.

My daily routine was a bit extreme, I would hit the gym for 4-5 hours doing cardio and strength training, then i would swim ten laps (it was usually ten laps before if felt like i was going to pass out) then i would soak in the hot tub, and dehydrate myself in the steam room and sauna until i felt weak, fatigue, and shaky. Then i would drag myself outside, allow myself a tiny bit of water, and i think if i ever ate anything during the day it would be a small smoothy. But usually i would not eat anything because i can never work out on a full stomach and i planned to keep moving constantly. Then I would bike around town for a few hours rapidly, then i would go to Muay Thai Kickboxing for an hour and a half, then i would bike all the way to another sport and play for three hours. So basically i was constantly going non stop.
To make things worse, by the time my sport was over it would be 10 at night, and that would be the time the only thing i would really eat that was food. And then i would purge it. Then i would overdose on laxatives.

Considering the fact I was already extremely dehydrated, the purging and laxative abuse triples that to extremes. Then i would do the same thing the next day, and next after that.

This always happens. Either injuries or stupid behaviour like that stops me from being able to workout. This time it was severe dehydration, although it was like my body became immune to it so i never noticed a craving for thirst anymore.
My blood pressure became extremely low, and i suffered horrible fainting spells. Around the same time i also pulled my groin muscle doing the splits. I also had weird heart episodes going on. My doctor says they are just panic attacks, but i am still suspicious considering my horrible medical problems and disorders that can cause medical problems.

Now i am going insane. I know I need to go back to Muay thai and get back into working out, because when im not i get incredibly depressed. I don't know what to do.
I dont even know how to motivate myself to start drinking electrolytes. It shouldn't be that hard. But for some reason it's like id rather be dehydrated constantly. I don't know why it is so hard for me to work out properly, and take care of myself.

its like, I know all the facts and information about how to be healthy, but I cannot bring myself to do it. It's just like the herbs growing in my garden. I know they can help me if i drink them in teas, but i cannot bring myself to do something as simple as gather them and put them in a freakin cup of hot water. like ****, i have some kind resistance to drinking anything that can be healthy for some weird reason. and that resistance i dont think has anything to do with my eating disorder. i may be disordered but i do know water and tea has no calories. do i dont understand why i cant commit to taking the first easiest step.

And when i work out, it should be easy to drink water and take my electrolyte pills but i tend to dismiss it as if it is not important - until something horrible happens to knock me down. I don't enjoy drinking water, i really don't. it tastes horrible.
I can't drink those allready made sport drinks because they don't have all the necessary electrolyte ingrediants i personally need.  

i seriously don't know the purpose of my post here, i just needed to rant. i need help, i desperately do, but i don't know how anyone could help me try and find a balance in these addictions i have. im basically screwed.

i dont even want to go back to muay thai. all it does is stress me out to extremes, because all i do is push myself to extremes and get panic attacks over belt testings. i also hate my instructors because they over price it and dont even have one on one. but i love the workout and the fighting. but it kills me inside when i even think of going back. it stresses me out so much to the point i feel sick.

i cant find muay thai anywhere else. i joined kung fu, but it just confirmed the fact i will never be happy with any other martial art style of fighting. i hate the kung fu stance. i will never get over the habits i learned through muay thai to adjust to another martial art. also muay thai is the most extreme one out there, so i would always be miserable with another type. if my instructors weren't assholes who steal your money and dont care about the actual teachings or their students, and no one watched me during the testing then i would love muay thai.

i don't know what to do. i've taken a long break from it, thinking i will get over it, but it still stresses me out. all i am is under appreciated there. they only tell you everything you do wrong. always judging. this makes my perfectionism so much worse, so i push myself until i hurt myself.
then my heart feels like its going to burst and i still push myself to be better than everyone else, knowing "i still am stronger than them all and im near death"
i seriously need to change some things, but how?
how do you get rid of a perfectionist mind? it's so bad when you have perfectionist thoughts while working out.

[gymdandee]

                   BREAKFAST SMOOTHIES
1 cup pineapple,1 cup ice,1/2 cup fresh or frozen blueberries,1/2 cup fresh or frozen raspberries,1/2 cup low-fat vanilla yogurt.Nutritional Info.Calories 252, Carbs 68g,
Protein 5g, Fat 3g, Saturated Fat 0g, Sodium 76mg, Fiber 8g. (Serves 1)

1 cup 1% milk,1⁄2 cup frozen orange juice concentrate, 2 tablespoons low-fat plain yogurt,
1 banana, 2 teaspoons whey-protein powder, 6 ice cubes. Nutritional Info. Calories 241,
Carbs 48g, Protein 10g, Fat 2g, Saturated Fat 1g, Sodium 84mg, Fiber 2g.(serves 2)

                                            BREAKFAST (Prostrate Protector)
1 cup vanilla soy milk, 1/2 cup ruby-red grapefruit juice, 1 cup ripe honeydew chunks,
2 tablespoons wheat germ, Honey (to taste) Nutritional Info. Calories 236, Carbs 46g,
Protein 8.6g, Fat 3.6g, Fiber 4g. (serves 1)

[ciqala]

Yeah the ******* height to weight ratio charts are lies. Because they don't include the fact if you are bloated with food, the amount your muscle weighs, your body mass, your water mass, or the bone density.
If someone weighed 100 pounds with small bones, a person the same with medium sized frame would weigh ten pounds more.

All i know is muscle weighs a lot more than body fat.
When i was anorexic 120 was considered scary for people to look at me, people freaked, and i was estimated 5'8. I think i am actually a tiny bit under 5'8 but it's not big of a difference.
So, i weigh 125 now and people are congratulating me on looking extremely healthy. Whats the freakin difference in five pounds? This world doesn't make sense to me!
If anything when i was anorexic i had no muscle at all.
Muscle weighs a lot more than nothing, so shouldn't i be like, weighing 150 or something?
I know also my frame is medium sized, so 135 should be the bottom weight range for me if you can go by those stupid chart things according to bone density.
In anyway i don't appear to be underweight now according to everyone. It could be the muscle, i don't know, but whatever i am at, it seems to be appearing healthy. I don't know what the hell "healthy weight" means either. Maybe they are saying im morbidly obese heehee.
I still don't trust those chart things, or what anyone says about how to accumulate what weight you should be.  
  

  
  

[ciqala]

Hey friend, sorry for the long absence, but once again you have given me wonderful advice.
Does everything i do relate to the BPD, it certainly sounds do. Because i get the same way, driven to extreme motivation, then back to the opposite extreme side.
Man, i didn't know i could have so much in common with someone, it's quite humbling. I don't enjoy getting into the "woe is me pity me trips" so it's always good when someone can bring me back down to earth.

I figured out the heart pain things and the loss of breath were anxiety related, as well as extreme dehydration and over doing things. I was having panic attacks, because once i dealt with the stress and anxiety it was gone. i am back to running for 30 minutes again without the nuisance of those. My history of anxiety i thought was gone, but apparently when you work out the adrenalin and rapid heart beat can be mistaken for panic.

I have made some very healthy steps in regards to all of my addictions. I am waiting to get into a treatment centre, and because of such have began to do the preparation work.
I have joined step group meetings, like AA.
Realized the basis to my recovery in EVERYTHING is to find faith in myself and something more powerful and loving than myself.
So in regards to the working out, unlike most people, i go to the gym to sit down, drink water and limit what i do. I try to find a balance. I try to fight my mind against the competitive thoughts. I reward myself when i rest. Sometimes i work out a lot, but i never let myself work out more than 2 or 3 hours a day.

I ended up getting horrible knee injuries a few weeks ago, this time not physical activity related, but because i was stupid being drunk. My knee caps were cracked, with the ugliest road rash you'd ever see. So i began to hit the gyms to strengthen them and in under a week i was able to walk perfectly fine, and even ran. The thing is i messed up the first day i went to the gym to work on them. My physiotherapist told me bluntly not to do more than five repetitions, and to not run on the treadmill, but i did so anyway, but it felt so good. Thankfully nothing bad happened, and i have learned from the mistake that never happened. I realized it didn't make logical sense. I was so worried about being crippled that i went to the gym to fix it, yet i found myself running on the treadmill endangering myself to make the injuries worse. From that realization i grew. I allowed myself to take it easy ever since.
I went through havoc trying to find a dietician / fitness instructor. Went to see her and she just pissed me off. I thought for some reason height to weight ratio charts would be my answer, when in reality it isn't.


  
  

[Jaquta]

I think it's easy when you get into the mentality of black and white thinking.  I think it's a psychological thing.  Having a passion about what you do helps.

You need to balance up both energy in and energy out.  There needs to be a deficit in order to lose weight.  You might like to check out the weight loss and healthy lifestyle expert forum.  The doctor there also has a blog with some good tips.

That expert also says that weight doesn't come off from any one particular area.  You could possibly try toning that area though that may help.

If necessary you could speak to a dietitian or maybe a doctor.  The last thing you need, if you haven't already got, is an eating disorder.

[danggpiggy]

This wont help you, im sorry but you might help me...How do you get your self so motivated to work out so much? I do alot of excercising but i never loose weight..and do you have any tips for me to loose my love handles?

[Jaquta]

I can relate.  I use to severely over-train.  A gym instructor who was also a member of the Olympic team (in the sport I use to participate in) told me that I trained more than 8+ hours a day and trained more than him.
I eventually became so exhausted I could barely stand up.  I then had a severe asthma attack and was forced to stop.  Prior to that if a missed a training session I was very irritable, etc.

What I have found best is making a decision and then following through with it.

I would consider getting a second opinion.  There are a lot of things to suggest heart pain may not just be anxiety-related.

On a psycho-dynamic level consuming things is like taking in or accepting nurturing.  Maybe it is related to feelings of low self worth and feeling that you don't deserve to eat (be nurtured).
On another level it may be related to your relationship with your mother.  This concerns the oral phase of development (0-18 months).  If we have issues with putting food in our mouths (binge eating, under-eating) it can often be traced back to then.

Maybe not taking stuff in is also a way of rejecting others.  Of rejecting before you are rejected or of maintaining a sense of control.

So don't go back.  It sounds like mentally and physically you could do with a break.  It also sounds like you are burnt out.  A frequent consequence of over-training.

A doctor once gave me an article on perfectionism.  I can't recall what is said or if it had any useful advice.  I have gone from one extreme to the other.  Motivated and driven to ...pretty much a couch potato.

The doctor gave me good advice.  I hope you receive advice that is constructive for you and your situation  too.