Infertility forum?

[Loribop]

I realize Medhelp has a fertility forum for those trying to conceive.  My husband and I have tried just about everything or 4 years and are giving up.  Since we spent so much money on TTC (plus with the economy...) we don't have the funds to adopt.  I wish we knew this four years ago when this journey began.  I should mention I am 42 and he is approaching 50 this year.  Technically we gave up last year.  Is there anywhere on Medhelp for those not ttc who are infertile?  Somewhere we can vent about dumb things people say (like, "You're so good with kids, a natural, you should have some before it's too late")  I am always around pregnant people and sometimes it gets to me.  A woman at work is pregnant and complains all the time that she didn't think it would happen on the first try and she wishes it would have taken a bit longer!   You get the idea.  I am new to Medhelp, and aside from medical problems I would love to become friends with people who understand what I am going thru.  I feel for those going thru the whole ttc journey as I was once there.  It's so heartbreaking.  I wish everyone luck in their future conceptions!  
Thanks,
Lori

[minamilana]

I'm constantly asking a question why people who don't want/ don't deserve to have kids are having them so easily? There are many reports in the news about women, who throw their new born babies out. I personally know a couple of women, who made an abortion and not once. I’m not judging in any way! Different situations can happen in life. I’m just asking why God gives them children they do not want? And here I am who wants to have kids more than anybody else, but can’t have them. Anyway I want you to know that I'm with you. You can talk to me whenever you need. I wish you all the best with your ttc! I hope both of us will become mothers as soon as possible.

[findinghumility]

Yeah you are right that the system is brutal to everyone involved at times.  But if you do get into it keep in mind that you can say NO to any placement if it sounds like it's too much.  You are not obligated or ever forced to take a child.  And like I said that's the hardest part because you want to say yes all the time but you just can't. My point was that in our state anyway there are kids that are already placed in a foster homes and are already done with everything you described and parental right have already been terminated but for one reason or another the foster family is not adopting. (many families do foster care without intending or feeling called to adopt) In these situations you would not have to go through anything you described other then meeting the child and have several visits before they would be placed with you for adoption.  But the birth parent factor would be out of the picture.  You would of course read the whole file etc, and know the background but you wouldn't have had to live it to the degree you would have if they were placed with you.  But you are very, brave to consider it despite the heartache and very smart to go in with your eyes open to the tough aspects. Good luck to you!

[Loribop]

I went to an inquiry class with social services to find out how to foster adopt. The speakers were brutally honest.  They said the point of the foster system is to reunite families who are in trouble.  That means I could end up weaning a baby off of drugs only to give to baby back to  its biological mother after she gets out of rehab.  Or giving an abused child back to the abusers after they get help.  The people running the class said I would have to bring the child for visits with his/her parents and most likely give up the child after some time.  It sounds so heartbreaking.  These are troubled kids who need good homes.  I am still considering  it, but I don't know if I have the heart to let go.  Especially if I felt the parents were on drugs or doing dangerous or illegal  things.  I'm not sure I have what it takes to handle that.  Maybe down the road.  It is a good suggestion, thanks.

[findinghumility]

Thanks for the input on my inquiry.  I know fear of attachment is why most people won't do foster parenting to begin with.  It is by far the hardest part, but as foster parents we have to let ourselves attach and go through the emotional side because it's what the child needs most.  It's definitely a tough balance knowing when to say no to give yourself time to recover and yet knowing that every child deserves a yes from you.

Just one last comment however, as I completely understand the will they won't they in regards to termination of parental rights, etc.  That is the concern with children just coming into care, however there are many children in the system where termination has already occurred and they are still in a foster home again trying to find the best match for adoptive parents.  Many times the initial foster family is unable or chooses not to adopt due to their own personal reasons and then it is up to the adoption agency to find a home.  So for instance our small town right now has a 1 1/2 year old in this situation and they are going through the steps to find him parents.  Anyone who has done the training/paperwork/and home study can apply and  there is no risk of the parents "coming back" etc.  While I know not all situations are that lucky, they are out there.  Especially when you have sibling groups as it's hard to adopt out more then one child at a time. Just something to think about.  I think all we hear about on the news and on TV are the bad stories about foster care, but there's a lot of good out there too.  It can definitely be an emotional roller coaster ride, but so can infertility, miscarriages, etc. Thank you for your feed back!  It's appreciated!

[vmvnpv]

I know exactly where you're coming from.  My husband and I have been trying for a year and a half with no luck.  I was even on Clomid for 3 months and it didn't do anything except let me know I was actually ovulating.  It bugs me and literally makes me cry when I hear how everyone else is pg and we're not.  That it happened the first time they tried.  My personal favorite was when some friends of ours got pg with their 2nd.  She's a SAHM and he barely had a part time job but they got pg with their 2nd because they always wanted to have kids close in age.  It wouldn't have bugged me if they didn't complain all the time about not having any money and then call and say "We didn't think it would be so easy to get pg the 2nd time."  (They know that DH and I are having difficulties.)  Sorry.  My vent took over when all I wanted to say was vent away because I definitely know what it feels like and am glad I'm not in this boat alone.

[Savanha]

WOW!!! A lot of Great info.

Lori: Like some of the ladies have already said...this can be a very wonderful site, but I'm not sure if it is what you are looking for, due to the fact that we will for the most part always be discussing info about trying to conceive. I totally understand your situation. I've reached the point of what I thought was no return, but haven't been able to let go. ;o)

Ingy: Wow...I am not alone. ;o) I see that you too have been at this for a while. It can be so heart breaking, but I too am still hanging in there.

Amy: Wow...your story is very interesting & I could only imagine the frustration. I too am often times around pregnant women, but thank God they aren't in the habit of saying crazy/stupid things. ;o) It still is hard though. I totally agree with you about someone having gone through IVF...fully understanding what you are experiencing...they turn around get a BFP (via IUI, IVF, adopt or otherwise) then all of a sudden you don't recognize them as one who experienced what you are still experiencing. Talk about insensitive...it happens very often. ;o)

Finding: Thank you for bringing a different aspect. I personally hadn't every thought about it, but would probably be one of the ones who couldn't handle getting attatched, just to find out that now I have to give the baby to another. Great info though for someone who might be ready for this process.

Alikat: I agree...it would definitelly be heartbreaking for me.

RSSBD to All....you never know...often times when you reach that breaking point...it happens. I know...one of those crazy lines that someone who has reached BFP (after going through YEARS of fert tx. & gets pregnant naturally) says, but I think they mean well...and so do I. ;o)

--Savanha

[alikat1205]

i think alot of people don't look into it, because it is so unsettled.  alot of time you have to wait to see if the bio parents will be terminated or not, and the child in your care for a year or two may not ever be adoptable.  it is heartbreaking for someone who really wants to adopt.  i think to foster you have to be prepared to love and care for a child who may only be with you briefly and that is extremely hard for alot of people.  it is tragic in so many ways, for the children mostly who are caught in a legal limbo that keeps them from having a family.

[findinghumility]

I'm not at all trying to be insensitive in any way, I just have an honest inquiry.  We are foster parents and see a lot of young children needing to be adopted out of care.  Young being 1 1/2 to 3 years old..there are sometimes younger and always older children too.  When you adopt a foster child most all expenses are reimbursed. In our state there is no cost to the family adopting.  Is this something that those of you who see adoption as too expensive consider or is it more the fostering experience being to emotional to go through?  When you're on the inside of the system and see all of the kids that need to be adopted, many of them still of toddler age and would not remember being in care, and it's more or less free to adopt, and then I hear all of the people who want to adopt but it's too expensive and I just want to shove them all into a big room and pair them off! lol.  I know life is never that simple, but I would like to know if it is a given that when people look into adoption they look into foster adopt and I just shouldn't suggest it as it is insensitive or if maybe they haven't head of it and I should mention it.  I just realize that with infertility and the desire to have children there are such extremely personal, and emotional decisions and I would never want to come off as judging anyone or being insensitive.  And I apologize to the original poster because I realize this is off topic.  It just seemed like you and the other ladies posting here might be able to give me an answer regarding this.  I feel such a pull to advocate for these amazing kids waiting for their parents but I also would never want to offend anyone or question their personal decision to not look into the foster system as it can be a difficult road and not everyone can take that journey.  Thanks in advance!

[Loribop]

Thanks for so many posts.  I used to post on fertility friend every time my temp changed, and every time I tested. The support really helped me. But now I feel I am in a different palce.  I'm not ttc and I don't think I could be any help to women writing in about side affects of Clomid, or questions about charts.  I was so into it I guess I got burnt out and disappointed.  Now I just want to vent with those who are past ttc.  I dont think I would be able to relate to people going thru it, and I am a downer to those with hope.  
The last thing I want to do is discourage others.   I feel like I have no home now.  The decision to give up and remain childless wasn't easy, but it did bring some sanity back into our lives.  I just wish I could share my experiences with others in the same boat.

Amy, I can't believe that about your sister.  How could she not know who the father is?  It's so unfair.  
Good luck to everyone who reads this.  I wish you all baby dust and pray you will get those bft results very soon!!

Lori

[Ingy77]

Welcome, its a great website.. Everyone is so friendly and we understand what each other is going through. The hard, happy just the roller coaster ride of TTC.

I've doing IVF for 2 1/2 years with no pregnancy at all!!! Trying for nearly 4 years.. As my hubby had a reserval in 2004 and now i feel the problem is with both of us!!! I always thought it was just him due to low sperm count... How wrong i were...

Don't lose hope stay positive..

Look forward hearing from you.. Ingy

[ALT76]

You came to the right place!  Welcome!  Feel free to lean on us whenever you need to.  I'm really sorry things haven't worked out for you and your husband.  Maybe within the next couple of years the economy will turn around and you'll be in a better position to adopt.  Don't give up hope.  I'm sure you'll make a fine mother someday - even if it is to an adopted child.

It makes me SO angry that it is so expensive to adopt.  My sister has adopted twice now and the figures she's given me are outrageous!  We've been at it for quite some time too, but we just figure we'll keep trying until we're in a better financial position to adopt, because right now that would be out of the question!  

I totally understand the need to find people going through the same thing.  Even good natured friends and family just have no clue.  Even my sister who went through 2 failed IVF's and eventually adopted seems to have grown pretty callous about the whole situation.  She never even called me back when I had my miscarriage.  Now that she has 2 beautiful children she could care less.  She's also the one I find saying "when it's meant to happen it will happen" the most out of anyone!  I can't believe it!  Doesn't she know that when you're TTC that that is the one thing everyone says that makes you want to punch them in the head!  

Then of course there is my oldest sister, fertile myrtle, who lives in LA and just had a baby (after 2 prior abortions) and doesn't even date the father.  We know she got pregnant on purpose too cuz she had been talking about getting artificially inseminated and then low and behold... a couple months later she's pregnant!  She also didn't know who the father was - scared the **** out of this poor guy until his attorney got a DNA test done (turns out he wasn't) - then went to candidate #2 and finally found the dad with candidate #3!  You don't have unprotected sex with THREE guys in one month if you're not TRYING to get pregnant!  When she comes to visit she pays no attention to her son and tries to pawn him off on anyone walking by.  If she has him she just plops him in the swing or the exersaucer thing.  She complains she has no money for a crib mattress for him, but is wearing $1200 Jimmy Choo boots and her baby has on new baby Uggs.  It is infuriating.

Anyway, sorry this turned into being about me!  That's my rant!  I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you and have similar frustrations.  

Hang in there!
-amy

[bree08]

I think you can still post on here about all of that. I'm technically on a break from TTC, but I still get on here. I know it's hard when people say insensitive things about having a child. GL