It just gets better and better. I'm close to giving up.

[SueGre]

I never thought I would feel this way. This is so hard. I want to be a mother so badly it's causing me so much pain. I miss our baby so much lately. I've been sobbing and aching to have him back.

Oh, and it gets better. Yesterday, on my friggin' birthday, we found out the insurance company is not paying for any more treatments. So we're screw ed.

2 weeks ago my RE submitted for us to jump ahead to do IVF earlier than the insurance company usually allows. The insurance company requires that estradiol be under 80. My estradiol was 226 and the one before it was even higher. My RE submitted the one that was 226, because it was the lesser of the 2 evils. She did not want them to see the other one. The insurance co did not like the one that was 226 and therefore requested the other one.  Well, since the other one was worse they said this shows that I have a history of elevated estradiol and they will not accept any more submissions and therefore they will not cover any more fertility treatments.

So happy ******* birthday to me. I'm 41, I can't seem to get pregnant even after 5 rounds of Clomid and 2 IUI's, and the insurance company doesn't care. We don't have the money to pay for IVF. We don't have the money to adopt. We looked through a ton of profiles and pictures of older kids in the system and I have to be completely honest: We want a baby. And we may not ever have one. And I am feeling completely defeated and worn out. I'm very close to giving up. I don't know how couples try for ten years and more and don't throw in the towel. This consumes my thoughts and I'm so sad and feel so cheated. I never thought I'd want to give up and I don't think I really actually do. I'm just so sad and angry.

I miss our baby so much.

I'm so unbelievably tired of waiting.

This just hurts so much...

[Houston79]

Aww..that makes me so sad to hear that you are going through such a hard time.  I wish I could changed it for you.    I know most foster children are re-united with their parents and no, they never say they have babies, but they do.  In fact, when I took Naudia to her sibling visit, another foster mom was saying how she picked up a two day old baby from the hospital two months ago and he will never go back to his parents.  That has happened several times to people.  They don't like to say they have little babies, that gives people hope and of course everyone wants a baby.  

Sue, I don't know what else to say to help you feel better but just know that your buddy from Michigan cares about you...Hugs..

[FaithNHim]

I am so sorry you are going through this tough period in your life. I know that you and DH desire a child. Please do not give up the faith. I have followed your story but never posted. You two will be wonderful parents and this is only a temporary set back.
That does nothing to eliminate or even lessent he pain you are going through right now but know you will get through this phase and one day hold "your baby" in your arms and the current barriers will no longer be an issue. Cry, scream, yell, do whatever you need to do. You and your DH are in my prayers. Have a Happy New Year and expect great things to happen.



SSBD your way,
E

[cure65roses]

Sue, that's a very good point you make.  When you talk to your RE on Jan. 13, ask if the clomid could be what causes your estradiol count to be so high.

I really feel like that's it.  Think about it like this:  The clomid is what causes your follies to grow.  But not all follies turn into eggs~ some follies result in cysts.  (The clomid is notorious for causing cysts.)  I.E. ~ the estrogen number could mean you have some cysts.  

That's why I suggested this a while back when you started these threads, you were sounding so discouraged.  I think a break from that clomid might be just what you need.  I hope and pray that very soon in 2009, you will be blessed with a big surprise.

Good Luck.  ((Hugs))

[SueGre]

Thanks to everyone for your support. It means more than you know. I will check into everything that everyone recommended.

Rob has remained hopeful and positive when I have not. But for the first time today he said things are not looking good or very hopeful. This was very difficult to hear and made me very sad and very scared that this is not going to happen.

I'm confused about something. We got the letter from. The ins co today explaining why they denied us for IVF and why they are denying us any more coverage. They say that my elevated Estradiol indicates that my ovarian reserve is diminished. My Estradiol within the last 4-5 months was under 80 so why aren't they looking at that??? It's not like it was under 80 a year ago, it was just a couple of months ago. How can my ovarian reserve be as diminished as they are claiming if it was within normal range so recently?

We're meeting with the RE on Jan 13th and we will be asking these questions. And, we will appeal as well.

[SueGre]

I can't believe you did that research for me. Thank you so much. I'm going to do some checking into Bight Futures.

We are definitely open to international adoption, but again, the cost is exorbitent.

Thank you so much for the time you put into this. You're a good friend!

Big Hugs,

Sue  

[aweeonetolove]

Sue, I just did a bit more research online that might be of interest.  I'm not American so I don't know much about your taxes but it appears that you can get a tax credit for up to $10,000 for a finalized adoption.  Also, there is an licensed adoption agency in Boston that charges a sliding scale fee based on your income.  If you haven't come across them, they might be worth contacting:
http://www.bright-futures.org/aboutbf/servicesfees.htm
www.irs.gov (search 'adoption')

[aweeonetolove]

Sue,
I'm so sorry for the difficulties and pain you are experiencing.  I know that this journey has caused you much pain but you also have admirable strength and perseverence.  Don't give up.  Stay on your insurance company.  Follow Quinnsmama's advice and file a complaint.  Consider Tina and Heather's advice.  Is there possibly another way you could approach IUI or IVF that might cost less?  While you continue to TTC, continue to check out all adoption possibilities.  
In regards to adoption, I know you really want a baby and are looking through domestic profiles but have you considered international adoption? A co-worker of mine adopted the most beautiful little girl from China.  Her daughter was a little over a year old when she adopted her.  She didn't speak yet so language was never a barrier.  Her daughter is now a gorgeous rambunctious five year old who loves to sing all things Little Mermaid.  She is a smart, witty, kind child who takes after her adopted Mother in so many ways.  And her Mother swears that adopting her daughter was the best thing she ever did.  I know that some people are not interested in international adoption for some very good reasons.  I just wanted to suggest it because there might be a better chance that you get a young toddler or slightly older baby.  
Also, has your husband looked into adoption employer benefits.  Some employers offer benefits to aid in adopting and/or grants to help with the costs.  And/or do you have some religious affiliation?  Many churches (of different religions) have some sort of adoption agency connected with them.  I think that the Catholic Church might be willing to offer financial aid to those who want to adopt through their organization.  If you do have a religious affiliation, it might be good to talk to your Church about adoption.
I wish you all the heartiest luck in the world and that 2009 brings you a joyous bundle.  

[cure65roses]

Great idea, Tina!  If they truly cover infertility, then they should at least consider IVF using donor eggs or embryos~ agreed..  Especially if it's less expensive and invasive than full blown IVF!!  

Stay on em Sue!  Like Quinnsmama said above, the insurances should at least look the entire situation if you persist.  Good Luck

[tina1111]

Awww Sue,  It does always seem to go further and further south for you. I am so sorry    :(   There are many finance options out there if you are interested. Capital One even has it. I have been at this for 25 years now. I finally came to grips with the fact it will not be a biological child for me. Every month that goes by is another month I will never get back. I can't wait any longer. The donor embryos are my last straw. Have you thought about that at all or looked into it? The price is low and the donors profiles nearly match Tim and I to a "T". There is also low cost IVF available for couples w/i insurance. I just fear that IVF may not be the answer. I was told with IVF and my eggs, we only have about a 5% chance of conceiving. Then another 80% chance of mc IF we did conceive.  My E2 and FSH are normal, all my tests come back normal and the odds still suck. I am so sorry. The heartache of a loss is so great. I know how you are feeling and I hope there is light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Will your insurance cover donor eggs or donor embryos? If you have fertility ins, it may. (((hugs))

[eternidad200]

I am sorry to hear you are not feeling well, we all know what it is to be there. I am 38 never conceived before, had multiple IVF and IUI, which our insurance never covered, and oonce we though we were ready to through in the towel after being emotional and financial broke (we had to ask for many lots of bank loans)  our little miracle happened.
Don't give up, think about it and I am pretty sure it will be a way to find the money, we did and at the end is worthy.

[cure65roses]

Sue, on a brighter note, you were pregnant not too long ago.  And if I am understanding this correctly, it was a natural conception.  I know things seem very bleak right now, but i still have hope that it CAN happen for you.  

And another thing, you might ask your doctor about your chances to conceive with possible high estriodol, if you decide to pay for the IVF ot IUI yourself?  

Google Mini IVF or Natural IVF.  That's a cheaper way to go.

(((Hugs)))

[Quinns momma]

I am sorry that sure stinks. Have you thought about filing a formal appeal with your insurance company. I was a senior investigator at a medical ins company and we really do take a serious look at appeals. I often handled a lot of the infertility ones that came through as many were considered fradulent practices but YOU have followed the protocool up to this point and two high levels should warrant an appeal on your part.

I will help you with you it if you want. Also ins co's look at formal appeals from patients quicker than those filed by your doctor.

[JaniceP]

I'm pretty much in the same boat. I've been TTC for over 2 years. I'm 41, and it seems like it is getting harder and harder.
3 misses, 1 failed IVF cycle, 1 failed IVF cycle with only the meds since I did not respond..and a ton of money spent with nothing to show. It is so damn frustrating.

I've been doing some research. There is a website called ArcFertility.  They  have financing available for IVF.  It may be useful to you.
Good luck to all of us.

[tbeards]

Is there any way you can finance the IVF? My clinic has several options for financing. If you think about it, the cost of a baby is at a bare minimum of $500 per month with diapers, insurance, formula (if not bf'ing), clothes, baby equipment, supplies, etc.) and if you work, add another $1,000 for a day care center or at least $600 for an at-home day care. The cost per year is easily $6,000 to $18,000 for child care expenses. The total cost of IVF or adoption is very daunting if you look at the total and don't have money saved up. Good luck and I wish you well in 2009.

On another note, did your RE do the hammer test on your dh's sperm? My hubby had high motility and one of the highest counts they have ever seen but his penetration level was borderline so between that and my PCOS, IVF with ICSI was basically our only solution to have a biological baby.

[babywanted556]

http://www.havingbabies.com/anniversary.html

sorry, I forgot to give out the link on the previous post.

[babywanted556]

To all,
do you want to try on this? I just found out today.  
It offers free IVF for 20 selected.  Last day to submit is tomorrow, dec 31.
The staffs there are so nice, My RE is Dr. Nelson.  I'm not qualify because I got one of failure IVF in the past.  Sometimes, they do have some study and also give out some free of charge on the portion of the cycle.  I know many people will apply, but it does not hurt to try.

[Heather5]

Holy Moly! $20-30,000! That's a lot of money!!!

Hey, I was wondering, do you think your estradiol levels could have been elevated because of clomid? Maybe that would allow you to use one of the previous test results instead. Not really sure...but it might be worth asking your RE about.

Also, I'm not sure how much your RE charges for treatments, but there are ways to keep doing IUIs without spending too much money. The IUI itself with sperm wash is only about $260 at my RE's office. It's the meds and monitoring that keep the cost up. But clomid is not that much, and monitoring might still be covered as a regular doctor's visit. And if it's not, you could just do a baseline and just use OPKs to determine when to have the IUI instead of coming in for follow-up checks. the only problem with that is that you wouldn't know how many follicles you have.

By the way, you can get clomid at WalMart through their $9 program.

I really hope things work out for you and your DH, Sue! You truly deserve it!

[SueGre]

Hi Heather,

Thanks for your message. In MA all insurance covers fertility treatment but you have to follow the protocol. So, it covers it but not if your estradiol is over 80. Mine was under 80 twice in the last 5 months, but the ins co won't even look at those. I'm so angry. I want to ask my RE on 1/13 if there's anything she can do or say to make the ins co change their minds. If they would look at the other 2 estradiol counts.

I'm really sorry you got AF today. That stinks. I got mine twice this month. Lovely, isn't it?

How selfish of your dh's boss not to offer the same insurance for the people who do the real work! What a jerk.

We definitely don't want to straight foster, because the majority of foster kids go back to their families. And I don't think we want to adopt an older child. So far, I haven't come across any babies in the system. They probably get reunited with their mothers or people adopt them very quickly. I came across an adoption place that says they find babies for people in 7 months because they do $1,000,000 in birth mother advertising. That's just frickin' fabulous, but we don't have $20,000-$30,000 to adopt a child. Who the he l l has that kind of money put aside anyway?

[Heather5]

Oh man, Sue! I am soooo sorry you're having to go though all this. I know how frustrating it is with insurance that won't cover fertility treatment...we're in the same boat. So far, we've only been doing some fairly inexpensive treatments. The most expensive cycles have been the femara/menopur/IUI cycles, but since I only took three shots of menopur, it hasn't been too bad. But I just got my period again today, so I'm sure my RE will suggest a more aggressive approach when I go in for my baseline tomorrow. I may even get the big IVF talk. And the $ thing does scare me a little...especially since my DH's company has been going through some layoffs lately, and he's the newest member on his team, so probably the first one to go if they're asked to "downsize" in his department.

I just wish ALL companies would cover infertility. In our state, all companies have the option to cover fertility treatments, but they can choose not to; and of course, my DH's company chose not to. The thing that really irritates me about that is that the CEO of the company who's in his 60s(!) just had twins, and I'm pretty sure that was through IVF. Yet he chose not to offer this type of coverage for his employees. It just s u c k s!

Have you though about fostering? I'm not that familiar with how this works, but I have a neighbor who has three adopted children that were initially foster children. And I think at least one of them was a baby when they got him. Just a thought...

Sending you a BIG cyber hug!

Heather