How do you cope with the overwhelming grief of another BFN?

[WillJakePlusOne]

Good morning everyone:

Took a HPT today, 11dpt, and like I suspected, it was a BFN.  But it hit me way harder than I anticipated.  I had to function like it was a normal day, but I am devasted. I try to keep counting my blessings, like my DH, and two sons (one bio, one adopted), and we have a nice home, good health.  I am so lucky. So why do I feel so terrible, like the world's biggest failure - my DH should have married someone else who could give him children. Why can't I do this one simple thing, when others who abuse their bodies, treat their children terribly and don't appreciate what they have, keep having babies?

None of my usual "pick me ups" are helping, I am so down.  What do you do to cope?  I don't even want to bother with my BETA.  This is our last IVF so now I know I will never carry a child again.

Thanks for any help, and I hope all of you have better results.

[bevfly]

Hi honey i can only sympathise with you with what you have been through and can only imagine how terrible it was for you.But i did not mean to upset anyone from what i said i only meant to say that its probably easier for women who already have a child compared to women who have never even gotten pregnant.We all feel the same pain and we all have needs to be a mother and  those feelings of need  will never go away.For you to have gone through what you have and on your own is awfull.I really feel for you and i am sorry if i upset you are anyone else i really did not mean to.Love and best wishes Bev xx

[beachbunn1986]

i undestand how  you feel not being able to have  child is awful for anyone going through that and my heart goes out to you and women like you /   i myself am not in that situation but i too have had mulitiple m/c amd i think women going through that even if they have one or 20 children still feel the same hurt and pain you do . i know personally my 4 miscarriages and two surgeries have been very traumatic when i lost my third baby i was home alone i felt imsense pain and had to crawl to the bathroom i felt like something was coming out but as stuck  i had to push my baby out and i held it in my hand and buried it . that was my baby that was now gone  so i may be getting pregnant but i feel awful pain when there gone,    we all experience diffrent levels of pain from ur baby issues i think we should all  be there for on another

[bevfly]

Hi ladies  i really wanted to add my wee bit if thats ok.I have no kids and have been pregnant once resulting in an eptopic with tube removal (5 yrs ago).Time is running our for me as i am nearly 42.I have failed IUI with injectables and 3 cycles on clomid and after nearly 2 years actively TTC have had no luck whatsoever.I think that women who already have a child really cant know what its like for us who have never been pregnant or given birth.Because at least if you have a child then you have experienced the whole giving birth and being a mother.I and many other ladies only want 1 child and my life would be complete.Ok i know how it feels to want one but for the mothers who already have a child just bear in mind what the rest of us are  going through in our quest to just even get pregnant in the first place,then only then can you only imagine.Im sorry if anyone thinks im being too harsh but this is how i feel and just wanted to get my point across.If anyone esle understands how i feel then please feel free to let me know.Many thanks to you all Bev xx

[WillJakePlusOne]

BabiesInHeaven:  I think all our babies have a special place in heaven, where they wait for us, and watch from above, together. It comforts me, I am glad it helps you to think that too.  I also imagine my grandmother holding them and caring for them until I can get there - she loved children and was very gentle and kind, i will pray for her to hold yours too. On starry nights, I pretend it is them up there, winking away at me, letting me know they are okay.  It makes me miss them less.

Beachbum, I am sorry you are going through this too, even harder because I am sure everyone says you have your age on your side. I have never heard of false unicorn root but I will look into it for sure. we did accupuncture before and during IVF the first time and I got pregnant (but miscarried) and this time did not, so I think it does help too.

Thank you both for saying it is okay to cry.  I have leaked tears so far, no big bawlfest because I haven't been alone to do so...I went to a Remembrance Day ceremony today and struggled not to lose it at all the pictures of Mothers grieving their lost sons and daughters...I am an emotional wreck but coming on here does help.

I entered our names on an Adoption Registry today, maybe God will bless us after all.

"our tears all fall together as one."  That is so beautiful and I will never forget that comment.

Got AF today so not even going to the BETA test on Saturday.

Praying for both of you, and all the other women on this site who have dreams that deserve to be answered.

[beachbunn1986]

im so sorry  your having such a bad day:(   i know exactly how you feel about people doing bad things and they keep having babies i see it all the time pregnant women smoking or doing drugs while pregnant  it makes me want to yell at them and say   you have no idea how lucky you are to have your fetrtility and here you are hurting your baby for our own selfish enjoyment! it makes me so mad      i dont know you but from reading what you wrte i can tell you love your family very much and i feel your pain . my heart goes out to you .   i think this is the most stressful thing a person can go through .  i think your  feeling like every other women who gets that bfn when they want 2 pink lines. im 24 and have had 4 miscarriages   nobody knows why all my test are normal im healthy but have only been able to have one baby , so it may seem oh so easy but not for all of us unfortunitly. its hard not to feel sad and its ok to just cry and cry til you cant cry anymore sometimes thats the only thing you can do,  i hope you have a better day tommrrow  and maybe just when you least expect it you'll get that baby..    also dont know if youve ever taken herbs for your situation  im sure the fertility treatments are rather expensive but theres this herb iv heard about called false unicorn root its suppossed to be better than clomid  im waiting for it in the mail,its only $15 dollars   just know your not alone in this all of us have to be strong for one another :)

[BabiesInHeaven]

That was so touching.  I can't stop crying thinking of our little babies bouncing up and down on a cloud somewhere high in heaven...  Thank you for writing that our babies are together...  I always imagined mine alone, sad and cold without me... thank you for that little bit of peace.

Did you have yourself a good cry today?  I certainly am right now.

WillJakePlusOne, I don't know the answer to your question; "I am so lucky. So why do I feel so terrible, like the world's biggest failure".  I can't tell you it will be alright, I can't tell you what tomorrow will bring.  But if it makes a millimeter of a difference between misery and solace; know that you are not alone.  Our tears all fall together as one.

Thank you

[WillJakePlusOne]

I understand that strength issue so well, BabiesInHeaven (who are keeping mine company I hope, until we get there).  I have lost so much, and kept going, that I am known as the strong one of the family. My friends, one of whom also has fertility issues, always say, "well we don't have to worry about you..."  I think that is why this hit so hard.

To be honest, I am mad at myself for trying again. I can come to terms with this, and really believed God made me this way because when he took my fertility, he gave me the knowledge that I can love any child whether I carried it in my womb or not. And so I was to adopt children that needed a mother and I was a mother who needed a child.

My doctor was retiring so this was my last chance to get a referral to the fertility clinic. Dumb reason. I should have just left it alone, now all that pain is back on the surface.

Anyway, maybe I am also here to let others know that adopting a child isn't a second best option, it is a great love affair and you heal each other.

I wish for all of you the very very very best of luck and love in building your own families whatever way that happens.  

xoxo

[BabiesInHeaven]

I'm so sorry for your pain.  I'm hurting for you now.  So many times in this process we get thick-skinned and barrell through the routine of shots, ultrasounds, appointments, meds, consults, cycle dates and numbers - that we forget what a serious game we are playing.  So many couples have broken down, so many women have fallen apart.  When someone tells me how impressed they are with how strong and resliant I am after going through each m/c - I tell them I wish I wasn't so strong, so that I could have my sleeping babies.  If only I wasn't so strong, then g-d would not have taken them from me.

I hope you don't give up... My thoughts are with you...

[WillJakePlusOne]

Thank you both.  You are right Carla, I am blessed to have my boys - and we will likely go back on the waiting list for adoption.

However, adoption is a long painful struggle all on its own. Our area only does foster-to-adopt so we had two years of not knowing if we could keep our son or if the judge would send him back to a very bad situation....the adoption went through in the end, but it was an emotional rollercoaster and a long hard fight.

Which is why we decided to try IVF again...I have no tubes left so naturally is out for us.

I understand your anger - I recently learned a friend had a pregnancy terminated because the "timing wasn't right" and, fair or not, I can't ever be near her again.

Both your and Marcey's words of support really helped - and I will take your advice and go home and let myself cry, which I haven't done yet.  

Hugs to both of you and I hope you both get pregnant and have beautiful healthy babies.

xoxo

[Marceyb]

Hiya am soo sorry for your bfn. Chin up just wanted to say don't be too hard on yourself xxxxx

[CarlaLP]

I feel deeply for you and your situation. I suffer from primary infertility. I know you probably have heard this too many times but you are blessed that you have two children. Many of us on here will never have any, but I understand how you feel.

I grapple with feeling like a failure all the time. After my first IUI failed I was ready to divorce my DH becuase I felt so guilty that I coulden't do what everybody else could. I see crack heads, teenagers, and about a million other women who shoulden't have kids but they do. Easily. It really enrages me. The show 16 and Pregnant on MTV enrages me to no end.. but my getting upset doesn't matter to them- it just hurts me and my DH. I have to remind myself of that often.

I'm not going to sugar coat it- this *****. It probably ***** worse than most other things. After a BFN I find that sometimes I just have to allow myself to feel bad. If I need a day to grieve then so be it- I take it. I have cried an ocean of tears so far and I know that there may be more. But if I have to cry I cry and I make no apologies for it. Usually I feel better after a few days. I try to make a plan and look forward. For us if the IVFs don't work we will submit adoption papers.

Focus on your DH and your children and be thankful for them. Keep trying naturally and have a heart to heart with your hubby about what's next. Maybe just living your life as a family of 4 is next. Acceptance is the hardest part, but often the best part.

You have put everything you could have into this and did nothing wrong. Always remember that.

Good luck to you.

Best-

Carla