I truly understand, I lived with a lot of anger and bitterness over losing my son and I too, shut out the world. But there were times I wanted to scream to the world...I JUST LOST MY SON!!! I would cry at anything, and when we lost him I just wanted to go with him....our children should never leave this world without us. When we lost our son he had two little boys 6 & 9. We wanted to do everything possible to keep them going, and often we would just cry together. One year after losing their dad, my oldest grandson was diagnosed with the same disease at the age of 10. By the time he was 16 he had endured 38 surgeries and after that a 5 organ transplant. He was re-living all he watched his dad go through, and at the age of 18...we lost him as well. At this point I just wanted to die...again! He had no childhood and was such a good kid. This pretty much pushed me on over the edge. I realized that I had 2 other grandsons, my own two adult children and a husband of which none could have endured any more losses. This is what brought me here...I felt I had to do something positive so that my son and grandson's passings were not in vain. By helping others I help myself. Not a day goes by that I don't cry for both of them and I feel like a mere shell of my former self. So much of me went with them. Their ashes sit side-by-side in my daughter-in-law's home and I can't bear to even look in that direction. Being there for my family is what has kept me going. I wish I had some magic words to help you through this, but there are none. I had to go on medication (still on it) and I feel it has saved my life. You may want to consider this...at least for awhile, because the pain is immense and some things are just too big for us to handle on our own. Losing a child is a million times worse than we could ever imagine. Do what it takes to remember your daughter...for me it was a story I wrote to him and framed. Below it was a planter with artificial ivy and an angel sitting on it. I hung everything that represented who he was...a little baseball bat, football, etc. It somehow gave me comfort. You have to go through the grief, pain,anger, questions....everything. But you won't walk alone...at night go out and look up and find the brightest star and know that it's her smiling down on you. I wish all of you peace in your hearts....and I hope it helps to know that others have been where you are and truly care, and we all walk that path with you every day. God Bless all of you....
I thank you so much for your reply,there are days when i just feel like my own soul is hurting so badly,i just feel numb and other than making sure she is comfortable i have trouble completing a simple task i feel terrible fear and helplessness,i am sure you would know exactly how this tragic journey is.I have found myself just shutting the world out and trying to be so strong,but live every waking moment in fear and the horrible wait of watching her body struggle everyday.I know when her suffering is over she will be in a better place,how did you get through watching your child suffer and how did you cope on the daily basis
Its just so sad and overwhelming,I commend your bravery for giving such an incredible gift of your time to help those who are hurting and trying to make sense of the grief that takes our lives hostage.