I understand your feelings. After my son's murder on March 6: shot to death by his father, my ex husband, I thought the hardest thing would be to accept this horrific tragedy and regain my composure. I am 74 and a survivor of anal cancer; retired librarian. I have three other adult children and significant or not so significant others to deal with now.
The only way I can cope with this phase is to hang on to who my dead son was: his wishes were known to me, as they were to his youngest brother, who is having a hard time dealing with the pushiness of his brother's ex-fiancee. He is the sole beneficiary of Brooks' will. A fact well known.....except perhaps to his ex-fiancee.
I am startled by what is going on, but realize that each person who mourns Brooks is dealing with death in his or her own way. It is apparent to me that I cannot get sucked into conversations with the ex-fiancee.
If what your mom is saying is hurtful, I believe you may need to say something. It can be an expression of acceptance combined with a request for understanding of your feelings.
I wish you the best. It will get easier with time. In my case the troubling phone calls are already beginning to stop. Keep you dad close: none of this stuff matters in the long run.
I completely agree with what the others have said, and am very sorry for your loss. Your mother is dealing with the loss of her husband in her own way, maybe pretending like it didn't happen and trying to move on with her life. I'm sure she is in a lot of pain right now, as you are. I believe your dad would have wanted her to move on and be happy as well as all of you. This is a time for all of you to pull together, because I think when reality hits your mom, it will devestate her. You will miss you mom one day, and you don't want to have any regrets, or words left unsaid. Know that she is in pain and, and suffering more than you may know. Life is too short for anger and bitterness, embrace who you have because life is fleeting. Take care...
My apology, I meant,"Life is too short for us to find fault with other's, especiall your mom's behavior, I suggest to "bite your tongue", because one day you will be in my shoes (I had 7 deaths in an 8 month period including mom dying in my arms and loss a baby 2 weeks before Christmas 5 months later) without your mother and everything that is being said right now will seem insignificant."
My deepest condolences on the recent passing of your dad. The loss of a parent is a painful, life changing even. I loss my mother and would give my very life to hear her gripe, complain, nag, and make me crazy, but that's just me. I have my 85 yr. old father, whom I never really had a strong relationship with and I when he nags me or treats me like he treated mom, I just completely see it as insignificant. Life is too short for us to find fault with other's behavior, I say, bite your tongue, because one day you will be in my shoes without a mother and it will seem insignificant.
"God exhorts us to honor father and mother. He values honoring parents enough to include it in the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:12) and again in the New Testament: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with a promise, so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth” (Ephesians 6:1-3). Honoring parents is the only command in Scripture that promises long life as a reward. Those who honor their parents are blessed (Jeremiah 35:18-19). In contrast, those with a “depraved mind” and those who exhibit ungodliness in t
he last days are characterized by disobedience to parents (Romans 1:30; 2 Timothy 3:2)."
Also, difficult days ahead with the grief process, but forgive your mom for he short comings. If you want to find the right time to discuss your concerns and issues with her, you will get better results and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...Judy
Some people that have been married a long time and lose their mate do different things. All forms of grief. Some get angry for their spouse leaving them behind. Some get married within a short time of their loved one passing, needing the comfort of another person next to them.
Have you, your brother and your mother gone for grief counselling? Churches are a good place to start looking.
No, don't yell at her. Have patients and kindness for her. She cared for six long years while she watched the man she loved, die. You cannot know that feeling. I know you are grieving as his daughter and hearing your mother speak this way must be very hard for you. But please, hold your tongue and get to a grief class.
zzzmykids