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Christmas agony
I remember her last Christmas and was with my parents in Florida. She was at the end of her cancer. I looked for 6 hrs and drove many miles to find a REAL Christmas tree. We decorated it while she watched from the couch and she seemed to get into it a bit. I went out and bought Maine lobster and gifts. The house looked like a Christmas shop when we were finished.
My Dad and I sat on the porch and he remarked about the full moon. He said it was a good omen, I knew it wasn't. I suggested opening the gifts on Christmas Eve and he was aghast. I finally convinced him. I went over the next morning early and my mother was in bad shape. The ambulance came and took her to the hospital. Christmas Day was spent by her side in a clinical setting. My father was in denial and although he broke down a few times...he felt all would be ok.
She came home the New Year's day with the hospital bed and the entire setup. My father finally allowed hospice to come in. She told me she would never die on a holiday because it would ruin it for me. She was always thinking of her kids. She went into a coma that night and died the following day.
I lost my father 2 yrs ago and this is my second Christmas without him. He had missed my mother so much. He waited for me too before he let go and admitted his pain. He was gone in 9 days. I had 3 good days with him.
My point is...I can't get into Christmas and my depression is off the charts. It has been 13 yrs since my mother passed. I have forced myself in the past to put on the "happy face" and get through. I just can't...My heart goes out to all who have lost loved ones and the difficulty the Holidays brings. I live on the memories of Christmas past to get by. I guess that I'm lucky that my parents were so wonderful.
God Bless
My Dad and I sat on the porch and he remarked about the full moon. He said it was a good omen, I knew it wasn't. I suggested opening the gifts on Christmas Eve and he was aghast. I finally convinced him. I went over the next morning early and my mother was in bad shape. The ambulance came and took her to the hospital. Christmas Day was spent by her side in a clinical setting. My father was in denial and although he broke down a few times...he felt all would be ok.
She came home the New Year's day with the hospital bed and the entire setup. My father finally allowed hospice to come in. She told me she would never die on a holiday because it would ruin it for me. She was always thinking of her kids. She went into a coma that night and died the following day.
I lost my father 2 yrs ago and this is my second Christmas without him. He had missed my mother so much. He waited for me too before he let go and admitted his pain. He was gone in 9 days. I had 3 good days with him.
My point is...I can't get into Christmas and my depression is off the charts. It has been 13 yrs since my mother passed. I have forced myself in the past to put on the "happy face" and get through. I just can't...My heart goes out to all who have lost loved ones and the difficulty the Holidays brings. I live on the memories of Christmas past to get by. I guess that I'm lucky that my parents were so wonderful.
God Bless
not to cut into TimH's topic, but I'm in a state now where I am very depressed without Scott...I just can't stop thinking about him and I came across a picture on another forum and I started crying...a picture of the last time his brother, Scott and I were together...
Sometimes I do just want to scream...why? Why? what could have been done differently, but I know there is little use in that.
Judy, and I know I say this a lot, you are a blessing.
Jim
Sometimes I do just want to scream...why? Why? what could have been done differently, but I know there is little use in that.
Judy, and I know I say this a lot, you are a blessing.
Jim
Thank you Jim. It's still very difficult not having our loved ones with us. I did enjoy the holiday and had "3" great home made Italian meal in different family members houses, but Christmas day hit me like a rock and when I saw my mom grave so alone, cold weather and sad day, I fell on my knees AGAIN crying my soul right out of my heart. Right now, I'm sad, because I know she's not coming back home and it's soooo hard always, but it was an exceptional holilday. I want to wish you and all a hopeful, blessed, peaceful New Year and may our hearts heal someonwhat and may we always keep our loved ones where they can never be taken away....our hearts. God bless....Judy
God Bless yo, Judy, and Tim H I pray that with time the pain eases...yesterday was my second Christmas without my son Scott and while he was on mind all day (always is)...my daughter gave me a couple of pictures she found somewhere of him when he as about 6 years old which brought me to tears..
I still miss you Scottt and always will my precious son
Jim
I still miss you Scottt and always will my precious son
Jim
My mom died 2 years ago and my 84 yr. old father and I are still unable to put up lights, the tree and decorate the house inside out. We just can't. I had 7 deaths in 8 months, wihch included my mother, brother in law, fiance's father 2 weeks after mom, mom's best friends who attended her wake, 2 friends from cancer (one who died in the same hospital and same room and bed as mom) and my brother loss his first child 2 week's before Christmas. I loss my job and my beautiful dog also died. I have walked on my knees to hell and back and almost had to be hospitalized. My mother's death has changed me as a person and I will never be the same. 2 years later, we are in a better place. My brother now has a 5 month old baby girl that has brought joy to our lives and we all went to my sister house and had a great time. Yesterday, Christmas morning, I got up very early, went to mass and by 9:30 am went directly to the cemetary with flowers to be with my mom. She is who I wanted to spend Christmas morning with and I did not think I would react to the visit the way I did. I feel on my knees again, didn't cry, but "wailed" from my soul, call her out and told her how much I miss her. I got up and look at the heavens and "wailed" from the soul again, until I a father and child was approaching closely and I stopped. I didn't want to scare the child, but the saw and heared me. I was very alone at first. I've learned that we will always have these "moments" of sorrow no matter how much time has passed, but I also gave a gift to a child who's father was deported and his smile (5 yr. old) was priceless and brought me such unbelieveable joy and a young man by the post office, in the cold, in a wheel chair begging. I gave him a $20 dollar bill, a hug and said, "Merry Christmas, God loves you and keep the faith". Mom would have been very proud and I will continue to grieve for my mom, but Christmas was also a very special one this year. I want to wish you a peaceful, healthy Christmas Holiday, and a blessed New Years. It will be ok, one day at a time. Judy
What an amazing man you are. In your time of pain you think of all the other people hurting. Christmas is a time of love and caring and memories, those you have given to all of us. Thank you. Your parents must be so proud of you . Tonight when its quiet just sit and feel. I think they will say Thank you son for being you!!!!!!!
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