Confused

[needingsomething]

I am now 25 years old. I lost my mom to cancer when I was 13 years old at the time I had not emotions, I couldn't cry I couldn't talk about it. I went through a period when I was 14 where I was having dreams and I hated my life. Well over time the dreams disappeared and I went on with my life. When I was 18 I watched my grandfather take his last breath, he also died from cancer. I just didn't understand why everyone I loved was being taken from me. But once again I went on with my life. My trust and faith in God is what got me through all of this. Well back in June my sister had a baby boy. He is was so cute. He was sick. At first they didn't know what was wrong with him, but after about a month they figured out he had a rare heart condition and something was going on with his lungs. He was the ventilator for 5 months. He only lived for 6 months. He past away the day after Christmas. During the time he was in the hospital I was dealing with a lot of emotions. I feel like all the emotions from my past are coming up. I have started having the dreams again. I am angry a lot not at anyone but myself. I cry all a lot, I don't want to be around anyone, I feel like when I am around people I have to put a mask on so they can't see that I am hurting. But I do have some wonderful people around me who knows I am hurting and they want me to talk and I can't I just don't know what to do anymore. I want my life back. I can't see an end to this darkness I feel. I miss my mom, my grandfather, and my nephew so much. But why after 12 years am I still grieving over my mom?

[Judy246]

You had so many losses as a young age. I had 7 deaths with a 6 month period, back to back, one was my mother who died July 17th and my brother's wife loss their first baby two week before Christmas.  The grief process was hell for me.  I wanted to die. I didn't know how to live without mom, but here I am, and my strong faith in God has gotten me through pretty much everything.

It sounds like you never went through the grief process.  You supressed your emotions and in order to heal, you have to feel every bit of it and I can only describe the experience as hell on earth.  It's ok to grieve and to feel awful....you are in the road to recovery.

Judy

[9DodgeFan]

I know this probably sounds cheesy/fake, but my heart truly grieves for you.  I have lost people who were close to me, but I've never been in a situation like yours, where it feels like everyone you love is being taken away from you.  It sounds like you were very close to your mom, in which case mikaleen was probably right; when your mother died, it left a big hole in you that may never completely heal.  But you CAN learn to cope and live with your loss.  It's great to hear that your faith has kept you somewhat afloat, and I will pray that you will continue to find strength in the Lord.  I know often times life doesn't seem fair; why would God allow a baby to die, but murderers to live?  Yet God has a plan, and a season for all things.  This is beyond our comprehension; all we can do is trust in Him.  With that said, it sounds like you are going through a tremendously difficult season of life.  I strongly encourage you to seek help.  You may benefit from medicines, and it sounds like you definitely need to talk to someone about everything that's been happening.  Give people a chance, and I think you'll be surprised at how many truly do care about you!  Please get help, and don't just do it for yourself; do it for everyone you know and have known!  Don't give up!

[mikaleen]

I am sorry you have suffered through so many losses.  You will grieve for your mother the rest of your life.  Sometimes it's hard for a teenager to go through all the stages in the grieving process.  It's easier to block it out, or ignore the pain, and then later on in life when something traumatic happens again it all comes back out.  You are older now, and it sounds like you are able to go through the stages properly.  It is painful to recall all of the sadness and suffering, but if you can grieve properly now, you will find as time goes by it will become easier to remember the good times, without always feeling the pain.  If you really can not talk to anybody, or can not make it through basic daily activities, you can always find a support group, or a grief counselor to help.  You shouldn't feel lnike you have to a mask on to show you are not hurting, most of the time it canot cover that up anyway, and for now your grief is a part of you.  It's good that you recognize your feelings and are looking to take steps to  reclaim your life.  I hope that you are able to find the support you need, and take advatage of it.  Take care of yourself and I hope you find some peace soon.