I am sorry you have suffered through so many losses. You will grieve for your mother the rest of your life. Sometimes it's hard for a teenager to go through all the stages in the grieving process. It's easier to block it out, or ignore the pain, and then later on in life when something traumatic happens again it all comes back out. You are older now, and it sounds like you are able to go through the stages properly. It is painful to recall all of the sadness and suffering, but if you can grieve properly now, you will find as time goes by it will become easier to remember the good times, without always feeling the pain. If you really can not talk to anybody, or can not make it through basic daily activities, you can always find a support group, or a grief counselor to help. You shouldn't feel lnike you have to a mask on to show you are not hurting, most of the time it canot cover that up anyway, and for now your grief is a part of you. It's good that you recognize your feelings and are looking to take steps to reclaim your life. I hope that you are able to find the support you need, and take advatage of it. Take care of yourself and I hope you find some peace soon.
I know this probably sounds cheesy/fake, but my heart truly grieves for you. I have lost people who were close to me, but I've never been in a situation like yours, where it feels like everyone you love is being taken away from you. It sounds like you were very close to your mom, in which case mikaleen was probably right; when your mother died, it left a big hole in you that may never completely heal. But you CAN learn to cope and live with your loss. It's great to hear that your faith has kept you somewhat afloat, and I will pray that you will continue to find strength in the Lord. I know often times life doesn't seem fair; why would God allow a baby to die, but murderers to live? Yet God has a plan, and a season for all things. This is beyond our comprehension; all we can do is trust in Him. With that said, it sounds like you are going through a tremendously difficult season of life. I strongly encourage you to seek help. You may benefit from medicines, and it sounds like you definitely need to talk to someone about everything that's been happening. Give people a chance, and I think you'll be surprised at how many truly do care about you! Please get help, and don't just do it for yourself; do it for everyone you know and have known! Don't give up!
You had so many losses as a young age. I had 7 deaths with a 6 month period, back to back, one was my mother who died July 17th and my brother's wife loss their first baby two week before Christmas. The grief process was hell for me. I wanted to die. I didn't know how to live without mom, but here I am, and my strong faith in God has gotten me through pretty much everything.
It sounds like you never went through the grief process. You supressed your emotions and in order to heal, you have to feel every bit of it and I can only describe the experience as hell on earth. It's ok to grieve and to feel awful....you are in the road to recovery.