missing my mom

[ksanden]

my mother had a rare type of cancer called adenocarcinoma with spindle cell (sarcomatoid) differentiation. it all started in her pancrais, spread to her liver lungs and threw out her stomach. she got diagnois jan. 13 2012. it all happened so fast she got really sick chemo stoped working well dont think it helped at all just made her sicker. i spent 2 months caring for her packed up, left my husband and 3 kids. the hardest part was bringing her home to die. we were told there was nothing left, it moved into her bowels and blocked her stomach so they had to put a tube in so shed stop throwning up. i stayed strong for her cared for her with a smile and made her so happy well tried. i did everything for her and now i dont no how to be strong anymore i dont no how to move forward in my life i miss my mom so much and it hurts so much. she passed away march 9th it was also my grandmothers birthday she had past away almost 5 years ago. i beleive in afterlife for what she spoke about when she went into her own world. i no shes in a better place and outta pain. but i grieve so much i want her back and i no i cant but i do. i keep waiting for the phone to ring but i no it wont. i spent everyday with her talked with her everyday a few times even. she was my best friend really my only friend. i feel so lost right now just hoping to talk with someone whos gone threw this and understands. my mother worked at walmart and made alot of friends they all ask me how i am and its like honestly do you want the truth i just reply im fine and walk away i am so angry i dont want to talk about how i feel to them or want to hear how much they miss her because selfish me says THATS MY MOM how do you think i really feel.  is it wrong to feel like this please tell me im not alone.

[S0me0ne23]

Hi, my heart goes out to you all.

I don't know what to say or what to advise you to do because I have never been in that situation and I wish I die before I see any of my loved ones go.

I have a huge lump in my throat after reading your stories. Just remember LIFE GOES ON.

[AHP84]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate 100%. I lost my mom to colon cancer on March 23. That was also my husband's birthday. I was there for her in the hospital, caring for her and took FMLA for five weeks. She didn't even get a chance to be taken home to die, she was too weak and told she wouldn't survive the transport home. I watched her take her last breath. I can't get the image and the sound of it out of my head; I will never forget how I had to be pryed off her chest because I didn't want to let go of her. I happened so fast--she was supposed to just be sick with pneumonia--something treatable--and nine days later, she took a nose dive and only lasted five days after that, three of those in a coma and one having hallucinations all day.
I am so angry and hurting so badly. The grief is indescribable. I lost my best friend, my mom, the strongest person I knew in life, my hero. I keep wanting to go see her or pick up the phone to call her or wait for an email to pop up that's from her. I am so sick of people telling me it gets better with time. For me it's getting worse. I miss her, and I miss her more and more each day and I just want to see her again and hear her voice and feel her hug me.

[dolphin8808]

I have my dad's ashes too and showed my kids.  My youngest doesn't understand either... I have his oak box on my entertainment center... Guess it's our way of holding onto them a bit longer.

Big hugz, I am sooo sorry about your Mother :( Such a horrible time and something that I am not sure we will ever underestand. To love someone so much and have them taken away.

[ksanden]

also i am sorry for you lost as well it is never easy losing someone u care so much for. hardest thing i find is talking to pple i tend to get angry pretty fast. feel like being alone is where i need to be but then get mad cause then i have noone to talk to seems like im not happy either way.

[ksanden]

i had a talk with my mom before she passed on told her how much id miss her and that i dont no how im going to get threw this she told me that i had to i have no choice i need to be strong for my children i just have to. my family means everything to me but mommy is just sooo sad also its been really hard my youngest doesnt fully understand. i got my mother cremated spelling wrong not sure how to spell it. but he keeps asking to see her I have her hear with us at the house its a nice set up oak box with flower that says mom and a praying angel on top. i tell him there is grandmas ashes in there and i am not sure if i should open it up and show him so i can get him to stop asking. so lost in all of this. he is only 4 years old. what would you do?

[dolphin8808]

I really understand. I just lost my father on March 18th 2012. This has been one of the hardest times of my life. I was his caregiver as well. I worked full time but took FMLA to take him to chemo etc. I was at the hospital everyday and in the long term care facility just as much. My kids and I were well known because we "lived" there with him. I am angry and so sad. My emotions go from one extreme to the other at times and I am in such a depression right now. One thing that has helped, is my kids. I always told Daddy that I didn't think I would be able to live on when he passed and he always told me that my children would get me through. He was right but it still hurts so damn bad.

[ksanden]

i truely thought we had more time i new eventully the cancer would have killed her but i thought maybe a year left. we barley had 3 months. it all happened so fast. thank you for what u posted i am going to be doing councling as soon as they call me on my appt. i no i need to talk to someone what i went threw was alot. i was my mothers full giver she only wanted me, it was very hard its had to earse what all ive seen. u wanna remember the good memorys and im still suck in the last memory with her. recently i started writting on here about my mother so far not to many have wrote back. so thank you for talking to me.

[Kayannaboo]

:((( I am so sorry dear, this truly broke my heart. You stated that "I don't know how to be strong anymore." Just because you miss your mother doesn't make you weak at all. In fact, I always say that knowing when to feel emotions and allowing yourself to feel is a big part of strength. Often times persons confuse strength with pretense. Pretending like you are ok doesn't make you strong and crying when you feel like doesn't make you weak.

I can only IMAGINE what you are going through and truly this is heartbreaking. There is no time span to grieving, there is not some deadline, you take your time and heal on your terms. You do not have to talk if you don't want to, your friends will just have to understand that. You spent so much time with her, perhaps you hoped a miracle would happen. I am sure your presence made her feel so good, you are a wonderful daughter. She is in a better place yes but you miss her and that is understandable. I promise you that though you will never get over it, it will all get easier with time. For now just take it easy.

Its good that you came on here, certainly you will get plenty support. If you can maybe some therapy sessions is not a bad idea. Also, if there are any support groups that you can join or even a normal group like a book club or mothers' club, being apart of something will definitely give you something new to look forward to.

Message me anytime if you wish and take care.

Anna