How do I go on?

[shatteredworld]

Recently I learned of a friends violent death and I'm devastated; it has effected me beyond anything I could have imagined.  I'm dealing with all the usuals that come with grief: not eating, not sleeping much, tears, needing to be alone, fear.  I keep going over that last final day of his life, wondering what could have been changed, could I have done something to prevent it.  There were witnesses to his death and I made the mistake of reading the accounts and the scene is now looping over and over again in my head, 24/7.  The little bit of sleep I've gotten results in horrific night terrors.  My grief has turned my life upside down in other ways.  I was on the fence about god for quite a while, I am now so angry that God can allow someone to die in such a terrifying manner that I've become a full-fledged atheist almost overnight.  

I have nobody to talk to that could understand what I'm feeling.  Men are supposed to not be emotional and in my family I'm the strong one, the person everyone else turns to for help.  And I have tried to approach them in the past and they were less than helpful.  I'm trying to take it easy and give myself some time, lots of time.  I wish there was something I could do to make the pain go away.  I'm not suicidal but I can't help wondering about the point of this freakin life if people are meant to endure violent death and the people left behind are meant to deal with it.  

I've toyed with the idea of making a scrapbook with pictures of him and writing down my thoughts, sort of like a journal.  Does this sound like a good idea? Bad?  Too soon?  I can't focus on anything else, I missed the due date on every credit card payment this month and at work I find myself sitting there staring off into space for minutes at a time.  

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.  Thank you.

[margypops]

A journal about your friend would be a good thing for you and it doing it you will feel easier ,it is okay to feel all the feelings you are and it owuld be an idea to find someone to actually talk to about how you feel, forgetfulness is part of the Trauma and shock of the Happening particularly as it was a violent one. Let it all flow over you its okay acceptance is the Key , dont worry about beliefs at this moment you can sort out your feelings about that at another time.

[jml1986]

What you are going through is not uncommon when someone you love experiences such a tragic death. How you choose to deal with it is what really matters. First you must get through the grief before you can go forward, so what you are going through right now is completely normal. Blaming god is very common as well, we need someone to blame for our pain so we take it out on god. Again this is normal, but you need to remember that god made us all, the good and the bad, and how we choose to live our lives is our choice. So, the people that choose to do horrific things to others have made a conscience choice to do that, so that is where your anger should really be aimed. That does not mean you go out a take revenge, it means that you should focus your energy on keeping others from feeling the pain you are having now. Last let me say that being a man does not make you imune to the pain that death causes. Do whatever you have to to help you through your grief. We all deal with grief in our own way, so if you feel like writing in a journal or making a scrapebook, then do it. One thing that I would urge you to do is to try and focus on all the moments of your friends life when he was alive, and not just on the day that he died. He obvisously  was a great person because he made an impression on you.

[Bel26]

iam really sorry for what you are going through.