How to deal...

[ekane6785]

I'm 23 years old.  As of tomorrow it will be 2 weeks that my father passed away.  He was 70 and died VERY suddenly of a stomach aneurysm.  I am having a lot of trouble dealing with this because I spoke to him just hours before him passing and he said, 'I haven't seen my granddaughter in a few months now! she won't even recognize me'....and it just kills me inside.  My mom ( parents are divorced and he has 3 older kids from another marriage) told me that my sister and I were his primary care takers as we lived just 15 minutes away from him.  I know she wasn't saying that in a bad way, but it just leaves me questioning, is there anything I could've done...I feel like a failure and here I am a CNA taking care of people, but I couldn't take care of my own father.....But some of his generation was against Dr's and he NEVER ever went and never took any medicine.  Always believed that fruits and vegetable would keep him going....
The anger and sadness is so strong that I'm finding it difficult to do anything.....Im just not sure what to do.

[jml1986]

It takes time and no one can tell you how long, because it is different for all of us. I lost my dad suddenly nine years ago, and it took me two years before I ever really started feeling good. No, I didn't just lay in bed and feel sorry for myself, but I couldn't, I had a daughter to raise. So I went about the things I had to do, but I was in a fog most of the time.

I never had the guilt feelings that many people express when they lose a loved one, but that is because my dad and I had a very close relationship, and I never left anything unsaid with him. My brother and sister on the other hand have struggled for years with the guilt they have for not spending as much time with our dad as possible.

I urge you to talk to anyone and everyone who will listen. Talking helps you cope. No your life will never be normal again, but it will be good again, just different. For instance your remembering events and things that have taken place will go from things like oh we did that last month, to we did that before or after days death. This happens because the only date that is really important to you now is the day your dad died.

I could tell you each and every feeling that I have had since my dad passed away, but I have put it in this forum so many times that I know people my get tired of reading it. So feel free to PM me if you want someone to chat with and help you.

I will leave you with this thought, the lengh and depth of your grief doess not in anyway reflect how much you loved him.

[ekane6785]

So it's now been almost a month and I've gotten laid off from my job due to the circumstances of everything going on....They said I could go back when I am ready, but how are you truly supposed to know when you are ready?  Do you just have to push yourself through?  I've been finding myself at certain times of the day to push myself...Because I look at my 15 month old and see how she's growing up and doing more and wishing my Dad was physically here to see it for himself, because she was the only grandchild he got to see every week or so and loved her so dearly...So it sometimes breaks my heart to look at her knowing that he can't see....
As for my job as a CNA somedays I wake up and want to go right to it, as I can't stand sitting around...and other days I've been crawling into bed and laying there for hours crying....
I know the feeling will never go away, but when does it start to get easier?  Like right now it's like the 'after shock', like finally coming to the realization that he's not coming back and I wasn't dreaming....

[suzeeh]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I just came from a grief support workshop this weekend with Compassionate Friends, which is a support group for parents who lose children. I lost my only child 19 months ago. He was 20.  Guilt is one of the normal feelings when you lose someone.  We always think we could have done more and beat ourselves up.  I can't tell you not to feel that.  You need to feel whatever you do, cry, express your emotions totally. Later you will see you probably did all you could do under the circumstances.  Just talk a lot and get out your emotions.  I strongly recommend a grief support group. You will be around others who are going through the same thing.  There are some very good books on grief that I found helpful. Mine were geared around the loss of a child but there are so many good ones.  I'll keep you in my prayers.  Take care of yourself.  Susie

[Caroline565]

It is so difficult when we lose someone we love so suddenly. We not only feel robbed of a chance to say goodbye, we so often feel guilty. I am very sorry for your loss.

A few months ago, I lost my husband quite suddenly. He used to like to tease me and when I would get annoyed, he'd say things like "You're gonna miss me when I'm gone" or "It will be so quiet, you're gonna love it". Also, I felt like I should have been able to prevent him from passing, as he did so right in front of me.

Understand something, please. There is nothing we can do sometimes. I am sure he would not want you to feel guilty. We all give what we are able and when we are working and raising a family, it's not always easy to make regular visits. It's sounds like he may not have been a believer in mainstream medicine--how can that be your fault? I know a lot of people that think that way. My husband took plenty of meds and was seen by a number of docs for his diabetes care, yet he didn't survive.

From what I have learned, it is not unusual to feel guilt or anger. You may benefit from a support group or grief counseling. They are helpful in untangling some of these emotions and to understand the grieving process. It is going to take some time to accept your Dad's passing. Do not place blame upon yourself, God will call us all home some day.