I lost my Mom and my best friend!

[DesireeMicole]

My Mom passed away last week.  She was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer in December.  But she has been doing so great.  The doctors were shocked at how well she was doing.  I never in a million years thought she could leave so quickly.  I was the last one to talk to her.  I hung up the phone with her  a little after 10pm on Monday night.  Nobody had talked to her all day Tuesday and she didn't show up for her doctors appt (My dad is an over the road driver).  My sister and brother in law went to check on her Tuesday evening and found that she had passed away.  The corner said it happened late Monday or very early Tuesday.  I don't know what to do without her.  I am so used to talking to her everyday- several times a day.  I am so used to seeing her all the time.  The funeral was beyond bearable for me.  I am not a fan of medication but I have been taking Xanax since the day after we found out.  I can't seem to focus on anything other than her.  I keep picking up the phone to call her.  I feel completely and utterly guilty that she was alone and that I wasn't there.  I feel guilty about small arguments that we had over the years and times I would get frustrated.  And then I get overly depressed that Easter is in 2 weeks, the day after that is my birthday, and a month from tomorrow I am graduating college.  We had so many plans for all of this...and now she's not here.  I go between anger and complete grief.  I can't seem to focus on my school work or work.  I have so many people helping and wanting to take care of me...but I get angry at them because they all still have their moms and I don't have mine.  And then I worry myself sick about my siblings and my Dad!  He's trying to be strong..but I know he's so heart broken!  Someone..please..any suggestions about how to cope with this better?  

[MinisterMarc]

Reading your notes reminds me how I felt when my mother, whom I was very close to, passed away. I remember how tough it was for me; 22 years old and experiencing this type of event for the first time. But what I also remember is how it affected my sisters, aunts, uncles and grandparents.

Knowing how I felt inside, I wondered how they must have been feeling inside. Oddly enough, I wanted them to feel better more than I wanted to feel better myself.

Over the next 2 years a total I attended and participated in the funerals of the 4 people who I had very close relationships with. Every time I'd get a call it felt like someone punched me in the stomach with 50 pound gloves.

The sum of all the pain and grief and longing eventually led me to numbness and depression. I was lost and I didn't know what to do.

Unlike me at that time, it appears that you have found that spark to get you going back in the in forward direction. Fill you mind with as many of the wonderful thoughts of your mother as you can remember. Write down her words of wisdom. Keep a couple of momentos close by. Any time you start to feel sad grab that paper or think a nice thought or speak a quiet word to your mother. Train your mind to cherish the good and release the bad. Claim the power and the love that still exists between you and your mother. I'm so happy for you.

Understand that managing this event in your life will take time and will take numerous different turns. Stay open to all life has to offer. Be patient with yourself and those around you. Everyone deals with situations differently. There is no right way or wrong way, as long as noone is causing harm to themselves or someone else.

I always keep in mind the whisper of a voice that spoke to me during my darkest days: It told me that my mother was a representative assigned to me from the All-Knowing. Sent to bring me into this world and to guide me up until her assignment was over. It was now time for me to get to know my Eternal Mother. The Mother I should have been closest to all along.

As I started to grasp what was being spoken to me, I noticed a shift in my soul. The world started to open up again. My heart started healing and I began to move forward again.
Be strong my friend. Be weak. Be bold. Be forgiving. Above all, be Loving. Where there is love, there is Everything.

[DesireeMicole]

Thank you both for responding.  I am feeling some better.  It hurts everyday...but I am managing.  I am holding on for dear life to her memories.  My birthday is a week from Monday and instead of celebrating my brithday (I always did something special with my mom) I am going to celebrate my husbands birthday (we share the same birthday) and I am going to ask people to send me their favorite memories, or pictures or my Mom.  And for mothers day I am going to make a book of my mom to share with my children someday.  I will also make a copy for my dad and all of my siblings.  My mom LOVED when I did crafty stuff...and I know this is something that would make her forever proud!  
GrannieNannie- I agree...loosing your mom on mothers day is a VERY sick joke!  
Mammo- I cannot imagine loosing both of my parents and then your son and grandson.  This has nearly killed me.  You must be an EXTREMELY strong women.  
Prayers for you both!

[mammo]

I am so sorry for your loss, I lost both my parents in a car accident when I was 25.  Everything you're feeling is normal, and you need to take the time to mourn your loss.  Think of all that your mother wanted for you,......most of all happiness.  I know it's very difficult to go on, but just take it one day at a time.  Live a life that reflects what a wonderful mother you had and make her proud.  She can live on thru you.  Journal your thoughts and feelings, it's very therapeutic even if you just throw your writings away. I used to write letters to my son and grandson, just hoping they heard the words I was writing.  It's a known fact that often our loved ones who are very sick, will wait until they're alone to go.  I've seen this over and over, where they just keep hanging on for us, which is not fair to them when they're suffering.  This is the time for you, your dad and all family members to pull together and support each other.  On Mothers Day celebrate your mother, she will be smiling down from above.  Big hugs and best wishes to you.

[grannienannie]

I know how you feel..but think about all the times you have not had with your mother and put all that energy that you would have given to her, and give it to your father..Mothers day is hard for me its when my mom died..like some sick joke...and i felt how you feel to watch everybody with their mom but I dint have mine...I lost my mother before I was 7 and I think about her everyday I wake..but I remembered how she looked, smelled,dressed..and those are memories that cant be forgotton..but you have a father..and he is heart broken just as you are..so put both your hearts and make it whole again..and you will not get over it...but you will feel better...sometimes think to yourself..like I do..God must have needed her more..I hope you feel better and I hope I helped some what..bye and sorry about your losses...