Aa
In Need Of Support.
My grandmother died at the age of 67 from leukemia which she was fighting for 6 years, she also had shingles. She was in such horrible pain for the several months previous to her death. On her last night here with us, the doctors found a cyst in her abdomen, it burst and she then had internal bleeding.
About a week before that me along with my entire family went to visit her, we had no idea that was going to happen the following weekend, at least I didn’t, and I figured she would pull through this just as she always has. We talked for awhile about random things, joked around.
Although this happened a few years ago, May 17th 2005 (I was 13), it still haunts me to this day. The last words I told her, “I hope you feel better soon.” She then told me and my father that she loved us, I didn’t say it back. Why? I’m not sure, but I do know I despise myself for it.
On Sunday we went to visit her in the hospital, I was still completely unaware of what was about to occur. We got to JFK Medical Center, it started raining. My parents were in the truck talking, I was getting annoyed because I wanted to see her, me and my grandmother were very close.
When we got inside, we got tags which permitted us to see her, got in the elevator to floor five. At first they were telling us we couldn’t see her, so I had a feeling something wasn’t right. Then my great aunt, whom is her sister, came out of her room in tears. I heard her whisper to my mother, “She is within minutes of dying.” I was in utter shock.
We entered the room, room 206. She was pale and skeleton-like; it was the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen. She was in a coma, and could not respond to us. Everyone said goodbye, but not me. I couldn’t find the courage within me to do it.
Two minutes after we got there, she passed away. I still feel the deep emotional pain from it, I never said goodbye nor did I tell her I loved her, I hate myself so much for that. I can’t deal with it; there must be something wrong with me… I can’t let this go; I have to live with this until the day I die. I don’t know how to overcome this, I feel anxiety, depression, and guilt, so what do I do?
And I still say that her death could have been prevented...
About a week before that me along with my entire family went to visit her, we had no idea that was going to happen the following weekend, at least I didn’t, and I figured she would pull through this just as she always has. We talked for awhile about random things, joked around.
Although this happened a few years ago, May 17th 2005 (I was 13), it still haunts me to this day. The last words I told her, “I hope you feel better soon.” She then told me and my father that she loved us, I didn’t say it back. Why? I’m not sure, but I do know I despise myself for it.
On Sunday we went to visit her in the hospital, I was still completely unaware of what was about to occur. We got to JFK Medical Center, it started raining. My parents were in the truck talking, I was getting annoyed because I wanted to see her, me and my grandmother were very close.
When we got inside, we got tags which permitted us to see her, got in the elevator to floor five. At first they were telling us we couldn’t see her, so I had a feeling something wasn’t right. Then my great aunt, whom is her sister, came out of her room in tears. I heard her whisper to my mother, “She is within minutes of dying.” I was in utter shock.
We entered the room, room 206. She was pale and skeleton-like; it was the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen. She was in a coma, and could not respond to us. Everyone said goodbye, but not me. I couldn’t find the courage within me to do it.
Two minutes after we got there, she passed away. I still feel the deep emotional pain from it, I never said goodbye nor did I tell her I loved her, I hate myself so much for that. I can’t deal with it; there must be something wrong with me… I can’t let this go; I have to live with this until the day I die. I don’t know how to overcome this, I feel anxiety, depression, and guilt, so what do I do?
And I still say that her death could have been prevented...
Thank you so much! It’s good to know there really are people out there that care. I feel A LOT better now, and hardly feel any guilt. I finally realized that she knew I cared and I still do, just as you all said, and she wouldn’t want me to only focus on negativity. You’re right when you say you don’t need words to express love, it's one of those things that can’t be explained.
The one thing that we all think of at the time we lose a loved one is what we didn't do and wished we had. The truth is, that you are your grandmother were very close and she knew you loved her. I lost my dad suddenly and I never got to tell him that I loved him either. The difference is, I know he loved me and I loved him and the words were not important. I have always said that I choose to focus on my dad for the 37 years I knew him and not just on the one day I lost him. Try focusing on the happy times you shared with your grandma and those times will far exceed the day she died.
Get rid of the guilt. You loved your grandmother and she knew that...what is said or not said in that last minute or two is totally irrelevent after you have shown her a lifetime of love. You were a child and were in denial that anything could ever happen to her and also in pain at the thought that just maybe it can. Trust me, your grandmother is shining down on you as your guardian angel and knows the love you have for her and always will. She would not want to see you do this to yourself. Try to be at peace with yourself and always remember everything your grandmother taught you and talk of her often...That would be the best gift you could give her!
I am so sorry to hear that you are still going through so much personal turmoil.
You have to give yourself some more credit. You are talking about your feelings and that puts you on the road to wellness. It's healthy to express yourself this way.
Please do not torment yourself about "not saying good-bye." Our loved ones that are gone, know how much we loved them. Please believe that. Have no regrets.
My father just passed away a little over two weeks ago, and I never got the chance to say good-bye either. He died alone and peacefully in his sleep. I could torment myself for not talking to him again, but realize that my father knows how much I loved him. I am sure of it.
Try to let go of the things that you cannot change and concentrate on the things in your life that you can change. You are already on the road sweetheart, just be expressing yourself here on this forum. Talking about our worries and deepest feelings are the steps to good mental health. You really are alot further along in your grief process than you realize. You were just a child when you experienced the death of your grandmother. No one expects a 13 year old to have the wisdom and forethought at that age to know "how" they are suppose to react. Is there really a wrong way or a right way?
Feel free to come here and express any of your feelings about grief. It will do so much to help unload your mind of what you "feel" that you did wrong. Which was nothing. You did nothing wrong. Your grandmother knows that. And she loves you to this day.
Heather
You have to give yourself some more credit. You are talking about your feelings and that puts you on the road to wellness. It's healthy to express yourself this way.
Please do not torment yourself about "not saying good-bye." Our loved ones that are gone, know how much we loved them. Please believe that. Have no regrets.
My father just passed away a little over two weeks ago, and I never got the chance to say good-bye either. He died alone and peacefully in his sleep. I could torment myself for not talking to him again, but realize that my father knows how much I loved him. I am sure of it.
Try to let go of the things that you cannot change and concentrate on the things in your life that you can change. You are already on the road sweetheart, just be expressing yourself here on this forum. Talking about our worries and deepest feelings are the steps to good mental health. You really are alot further along in your grief process than you realize. You were just a child when you experienced the death of your grandmother. No one expects a 13 year old to have the wisdom and forethought at that age to know "how" they are suppose to react. Is there really a wrong way or a right way?
Feel free to come here and express any of your feelings about grief. It will do so much to help unload your mind of what you "feel" that you did wrong. Which was nothing. You did nothing wrong. Your grandmother knows that. And she loves you to this day.
Heather
Thank you all very much for taking time to respond, that made me feel a lot better. I’m sorry about your losses as well. I lost a neighbor too, I’ve known him since birth and he was like a second grandfather to me, but my grandmother was my first experience with a loss.
Now that I think of it, I’ve come face to face with death many times, my mom tried to commit suicide when I was five, and my dad had a piece of glass through his jugular vein because his idiotic friends made a bomb, and he was in a rollover accident were he was almost crushed.
I’ve come close myself, a metal rod fell on my head and it almost split my head open, I was in the front seat of a car when I was two and some guy hit my dad head-on, and when I was four I put keys in an electric socket, just brilliant.
Just recently, I was unaware that I had a kidney infection and got to the hospital just in time, because it was starting to take over my body; I only knew something was wrong because I had a 105 fever and literally felt like I was dying, basically if I waited another day I wouldn’t be typing this. I personally thought it was just muscle pain and a bad headache, the pain started from my right side extending through my spine to the top of my head. Now I have a sharp pain on my left side a few inches up past the point where your elbow is, who knows what this one is.
Nonetheless that is probably it; I simply didn’t know how to react or what to think. When I’m in fear I have a terrible response system. It’s almost equivalent to stage fright; I’ll just stand there emotionless not knowing what’s going on, like a deer in headlights.
To add to all this last night some little punk stole my mom’s $300 car speakers, which she worked really hard to get. I’m livid about that, we struggle with money as it is, I mean both my parents put together probably only have a couple hundred bucks.
There are lots of things I do that I know she’s not proud of; I guess I should think of that more. I need to remind myself she’s always watching over me, and that I’m never alone even when I think I am. I just wish she could still be physically here, ever since she passed on life has been pretty complicated.
All in all this has taught me to stop taking things for granted, which is something I’ve done all too much.
Now that I think of it, I’ve come face to face with death many times, my mom tried to commit suicide when I was five, and my dad had a piece of glass through his jugular vein because his idiotic friends made a bomb, and he was in a rollover accident were he was almost crushed.
I’ve come close myself, a metal rod fell on my head and it almost split my head open, I was in the front seat of a car when I was two and some guy hit my dad head-on, and when I was four I put keys in an electric socket, just brilliant.
Just recently, I was unaware that I had a kidney infection and got to the hospital just in time, because it was starting to take over my body; I only knew something was wrong because I had a 105 fever and literally felt like I was dying, basically if I waited another day I wouldn’t be typing this. I personally thought it was just muscle pain and a bad headache, the pain started from my right side extending through my spine to the top of my head. Now I have a sharp pain on my left side a few inches up past the point where your elbow is, who knows what this one is.
Nonetheless that is probably it; I simply didn’t know how to react or what to think. When I’m in fear I have a terrible response system. It’s almost equivalent to stage fright; I’ll just stand there emotionless not knowing what’s going on, like a deer in headlights.
To add to all this last night some little punk stole my mom’s $300 car speakers, which she worked really hard to get. I’m livid about that, we struggle with money as it is, I mean both my parents put together probably only have a couple hundred bucks.
There are lots of things I do that I know she’s not proud of; I guess I should think of that more. I need to remind myself she’s always watching over me, and that I’m never alone even when I think I am. I just wish she could still be physically here, ever since she passed on life has been pretty complicated.
All in all this has taught me to stop taking things for granted, which is something I’ve done all too much.
No sweetie, her death could not have been prevented, and I'm pretty sure she knew it was coming. Was her death your first experience with losing a loved one? Mine was losing my father to gallbladder cancer. We all knew he was going to die, but I just couldn't face it - or him. I was so afraid of breaking down in front of him and making him feel worse that I shied away. It's taken me several years to to come to terms with the whole thing of not saying goodbye and not taking the opportunity to tell him many, many things before he was gone.
What has helped me over the years is learning from that experience. Never again will I lose someone dear to me and have those kinds of regrets. That meant facing death every time it's come calling in my life. And death will come calling again in your life. I've learned that I honor my dad by letting go of my guilt and regret, and putting the lessons I learned from his experience to good use. Too many people in my life have died from cancer, and even a neighbor from AIDS. Turning away from them the way I did with my dad was NOT an option, and I was one of the few people left in their lives at the end.
Please try to stop feeling guilty about your reaction. I have no doubt your grandmother knew then, and still knows you love her. Do you think she would want you to feel this way and beat yourself up over this? I don't think so. She would likely want you to remember the wonderful things about her in life, and not how awful the end was.
I hope you've been able to talk with your mom or another family member about what you're feeling and thinking. It's never too late for grief counseling either. You have to find a way to move on with your life without this very unnecessary dark cloud hanging over you. Forgive yourself for being human and put this whole event in the past where it belongs. Learn from it, and you will do your grandmother proud. :-)
What has helped me over the years is learning from that experience. Never again will I lose someone dear to me and have those kinds of regrets. That meant facing death every time it's come calling in my life. And death will come calling again in your life. I've learned that I honor my dad by letting go of my guilt and regret, and putting the lessons I learned from his experience to good use. Too many people in my life have died from cancer, and even a neighbor from AIDS. Turning away from them the way I did with my dad was NOT an option, and I was one of the few people left in their lives at the end.
Please try to stop feeling guilty about your reaction. I have no doubt your grandmother knew then, and still knows you love her. Do you think she would want you to feel this way and beat yourself up over this? I don't think so. She would likely want you to remember the wonderful things about her in life, and not how awful the end was.
I hope you've been able to talk with your mom or another family member about what you're feeling and thinking. It's never too late for grief counseling either. You have to find a way to move on with your life without this very unnecessary dark cloud hanging over you. Forgive yourself for being human and put this whole event in the past where it belongs. Learn from it, and you will do your grandmother proud. :-)
Sorry to hear of your loss. I had a similar experience with my grandfather, who also had leukaemia and was comatose when we said our goodbyes. I also never said I loved him. It even took me two years to cry. At first I hated myself for not being upset, as he was my closest family member, and my family also were not impressed at my lack of emotion.
But now whan I look back, I realise it wasn't that I didn't feel I loved him. I was just in an awkward situation and did not know how to respond. I'm sure this applies to you too. I still battle with guilt, and I still cry today about his death.
I'm seeking councelling to help me get over this, as I cannot understand why I acted the way I did, but getting an outside point of view might help broaden my understanding of it and hopefully soon I'll finally come to terms with what happened. I suggest you try the same. Hope I could help.
But now whan I look back, I realise it wasn't that I didn't feel I loved him. I was just in an awkward situation and did not know how to respond. I'm sure this applies to you too. I still battle with guilt, and I still cry today about his death.
I'm seeking councelling to help me get over this, as I cannot understand why I acted the way I did, but getting an outside point of view might help broaden my understanding of it and hopefully soon I'll finally come to terms with what happened. I suggest you try the same. Hope I could help.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Grief and Loss Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
