The patient close to death

[chapo]

My 81 year old father recently passed away from chronic kidney disease and chronic heart failure with each worsening the other.  We were with him the day before and at the time of his death.  I observed grimaces and actions I don't understand.  There is VERY little info on the web about the actual dying phase.  
The day before he died he suddenly developed this upside down smile type grimace tha was so disturbing I can't get it out of my mind. It only lasted about three seconds but was a very unnatural facial expression. Just before taking his last breaths he tensed up and sort of heaved like in pain or heavy exertion.  He was weak from his illness and had not moved like that before.  Can anyone shed light on these close to death actions.?  Are there any web sites that fully explain what happens to the dying patient.  I am a little shaken up by it but glad he did not have to endure it alone.  

[chapo]

Thanks Caroline and Judy for your words.  Dad's funeral was today and it was a better experience than I was expecting.  Your'e certainly right about the fluctuating emotions, guilt and everything else.  Dad had been through many medical dramas over the past 8 years and I always read up (thatnks to the internet you can find out a lot of the Dr's former secrets) and tried to keep abreast of his problems to head off any complications and keep him going. We never had full confidence in some of the Dr's.   In the end we just could not steer his course away from the inevitable. Certainly tried though, like trying to pull up a freight train by hand.  
This is why I wanted to learn about what he went through in  his final moments. I can't explain the strange grimaces but his heaving motion was almost certainly 2 short tonic-clonic seziures as he went out. I can not remember much of his last moments now; seems like my mind has blacked it out.  Again, thanks for your thoughts and hope you are doing as well as you can.  Greg

[Caroline565]

Dear Greg,

Your feelings are very normal. I find that grief is comprised of almost every emotion we have as humans. Sorting through them and dealing with feelings takes time. When I lost my husband a little more than four months ago, guilt was the first emotion I recall feeling. I should have been able to do something to save him and I could not. We have to understand that we are not in control of this and whether you believe in God or not, there is very little we can do when our time arrives. I believe in the coming weeks and months you will be able to accept your Father's passing but like Judy said above, it is a process and it takes each of us whatever time it takes. My thoughts will be with you and your family tomorrow.

[Judy246]

Greg,

Please let us know how you and your family are coming along. The grief process is very difficult and can last for quite some time, so if you just need to talk. We are here for you. It really does help to talk with people who are experiencing the loss of a loved one.  Judy

[chapo]

Thankyou for your comments.  Dad had been through a lot and I feel terrible guilt as he would only have done it for us. Still there are many things to celebrate at his funeral tommorrow.  But I can't help feeling ripped off.  Thanks  Greg

[Caroline565]

I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. It sounds like he'd been through alot and I know you must be thankful that he is not suffering anymore.

As far as the actions you describe, I don't really have an answer either. I have been with three people as they died and I can tell you there are some upsetting sights. I have never described this to anyone but it's surely nothing like you see in a movie. I just try to not think about it too much and accept is as part of the dying process. I have never regretted being there with any of them.

[Judy246]

My very deepest condolences in the passing of your father. I held my mom as she died from Congestive Heart Failure and many other complications on July 19th. She was intubated and had so many IV's and machines on her and around her that it broke my heart to see this very small person called my mother, surrounded by so much equipment, and due to lack of oxigen in her brain, her face became swollen and purplish in color. My mother had a heart attack and sufficated to death...I held her as she died.

Two weeks later, my fiance's (ex now) father's who also died of Congestive Heart Failure last days was  very difficult to watch. He was 82 yrs old and as you describe his facial features changed overnight. His entire face dropped down, his mouth had that upside down, druppy smile grimance  (I can see that death was upon him) and speech was so slur that we couldn't understand what he was saying. He died early the next morning. His last words to me were "I Love You". He also became very emotional during the last month and cried easily.  I wish I had the answers to the death process...I would like to know.

I recommend that you Google "death process" and if you want a video explanation, google "death process, utube, video" and see what you get. Also, google "Near Death experiences" to read/see on video what some people have experienced during death, but come back to talk about their experience.  Judy