My mom passed away

[AHP84]

My mom fought colon cancer for 10 years and passed away very suddenly. We all thought she had more time, even her. A year or two at least. But in late January she started coughing up blood and was hospitalized with pneumonia for four days. Then she was sent home and she had a decent recovery through February. Her chemo was started up again the last week of Feb and after one treatment, she became really sick with pneumonia again. She was hospitalized Feb. 29 and she never got to come home. She passed away March 23. That was my husband's birthday. Between March 9 and March 18, the doctors were giving us hope that her condition was treatable; that it was just severe pneumonia and ARDS (acute respiratory distress syndrome). Both conditions were still life threatening, but we were hopeful it was treatable and that it was not the cancer out of control. After she died, they did and autopsy to determine if it was cancer or just inflammation and infection that killed her. I haven't gotten the results back from that yet. I guess it doesn't really matter anyway. I thought I'd want to know, but now that she's gone, I don't really care. She's gone, so what does it matter?
She passed away as I held on to her arm, had it wrapped around my waiste as I sat beside her. I can't get these images out of my head. I can't get the sound of her last breath out of my head.
I can't even describe the void I feel, the depression, the anger, the pain. I start grief counseling tomorrow but I'm just hurting so badly I don't even know how anything can help. I'm so depressed; I just miss her so much it is physically painful.

[ku111]

I am so sorry for your loss!  I love the picture!  She looks so happy and so loved.  I am so glad you were there for her.  That is precious and can never be taken away.  This is going to take some time to process but just remember she loved you also and wants you to be all you can be in life.  She would want you to live it to the highest.  One day at a time and one step at a time.  Memories will be forever in your heart.  ((hugs))

[AHP84]

Thank you for your kind words. There are days when I think I'm doing alright and making it through the day isn't very difficult, and there are other days when I feel completely lost in my grief and the anxiety of it is overwhelming.
Today is one of those days. :-/ I almost feel on the verge of panic because I don't know how to process the amount of grief and sadness that weighs me down. My heart feels crushed.

[mammo]

Awww...I am so very sorry for your loss. Try to find comfort in knowing that she is no longer suffering and that you had her arm around your waist....she knew you loved her and that is the greatest gift you can give her.  Be patient with yourself, and take the time to mourn your loss.  Journal all of your feelings and emotions, it has proven to be very therapeutic for us as it serves a a form of release.  I agree, it doesn't really matter "why" she died, it won't ease your pain.  I lost my grandson 3 years ago and they had to do a biopsy on him and I didn't want to hear the results...I couldn't bear to think of him suffering anymore.  Your mother lives on in you, make her proud and know that what she wants most for you is for you to be happy.  I know this will take time, and I'm happy to hear you are going for counseling.  It's so difficult to accept losing our mother, I think in the back of our minds we feel she will always be with us.  I lost both my parents in a car accident when I was 25 and I know all that you're feeling.  Cry when you need to....be angry, go through all of the emotions, now is not the time to pretend to be strong.  Again, I am so very sorry and big hugs to you.