My son

[Mumof2gurls]

I lost my baby boy 3 years ago he was about to be 2 months when they said he had lukemia ( he passed away within a few days). I took it hard... the only reason I am still here is I had a little girl who was 1 at the time. My OBGYN put me back in the hopsital afterwards and started me on anti depresants and helped me find a therpist.. but 7 months later I got pregnant and due to high risk I went off the anti depresants. I just haven't been the same though since the birth of my second daughter. I am not happy, I am tired all the time and lets not even discuss the weight I have put on from eating out of stress,unhappiness, and plain boredom. I have no patience and I don't enjoy playing with my daughters. I don't know if I purposely detaching myself form them or not.... I just am not the same and I want to be sooo bad! Can anyone give me advice?

[isis006]

the best thing i can say is youll never get over the loss of your son.. all you can do is get through it. but you still have a beautiful gift, two in fact. and they love you and need you and want you. to suddenly be told your baby is going to die crushes everything inside. even though theyre babies, we already have the next 20 years with them planned out. we dont expect all of that to be crushed in an instant.. but when it is, well, like me, you probably cant even find the words to explain. the second you try to open that part of yourself, all there is is tears. it makes you feel like you died with them, and every day, you wake up, and if you try to feel, thats all there is.. but you have a great advantage over me. i waited over a decade to have a baby, my body had me convinced it would never happen, then, i got a miracle, and my entire life changed. i had me, my mom, and a beautiful little girl growing inside. then, at six months, my body changed its mind. i gave birth too early thanks to an 'incompetent cervix'. and i held my little baby in my arms and watched her try to breathe, until she stopped trying. i cried for a few days after that, than closed myself off, because i knew if i didnt i would never stop crying. now that some time has passed, im finding my own ways to deal with it, at my own pace. i question the ability to try again, i fear reliving that nightmare.. but the worst part is all i had was my mom, and sometimes she makes me feel like it never even happened. its just one of those things we dont talk about, and that bothers me. as much as it may hurt, i never want to forget about her, and i dont want anyone else to either. she was my beautiful little girl, some days i just want to carry her picture around and go up to complete strangers and say this is my baby, she didnt make it. and that may be odd to people, but it would make me feel better, because it doesnt matter if shes not with us, i know she isnt, but that doesnt mean i dont want her to be here. i still want to teach her to walk and talk, i still want to watch her grow up. it doesnt matter if i cant, i still want to. keeping the little bit of her here with me is the only comfort i have with the situation, especially since i feel like im alone with this. but you, oh you are so lucky. you have 2 little girls to share him with, and im sure you have a husband and probably some other family who is sympathetic to the situation. you have people that miss your son, and you can remember him together. i think thats the hardest thing about something like this. it makes people sad and uncomfortable, and we end up feeling like we are going through this alone. so much is taken from us, and we just cant make sense of it. but we have to accept it. there is nothing we can do to change what has happened. we can only change the future. you have 2 girls. they want you to be happy with them, they want your time, they want to do things with you. they are here, now. . and so are you. enjoy your life and embrace your girls, because these moments will come and go so fast. they need you, and you need them. they can help you overcome, and you can help them grow up into wonderful happy people. but only you have the power to change the situation. its ok to be sad or confused or angry. its ok to have things you dont know how to get over.. but at the same time, its ok to seek out happiness and live. if you were strong enough to have your second girl after the loss of your baby boy, then im betting youre strong enough to get through this now. dont be afraid, take it one day at a time. make a list of things you want to accomplish, and every day, just do one thing. it doesnt matter what other people think of the things you want to do, youre not doing them for others, youre doing them for you because you want yourself back. when we are down, we need to pick ourselves back up, and its very possible to do. just remember that strength inside you, its still there, you just have to find it again. i truly hope you do as you are very blessed and all of your children hope for your happiness.
best wishes,
Isis

[jrobertson20]

First off let me say sorry to hear about your son.  It is a very hard thing to go through and nobody should have to go through it.  It sounds like you may have some post partum depression.  Have you started on any anti-depressant medications since the birth of your daughter?  If not I would call your doctor ASAP and let them know the symptoms you have been feeling.  I think it's really important you get on some medication to help you through this tough time.  If you are already on medication than I would still call your doctor and let them know the medication is not working and you would like it to change.  It probably would also be beneficial to see a therapist to help talk about things with you and give you time to let everything you are feeling out.  I really recommend the therapist.  It's a tough time in your life and you just need a little help getting through it.  Good luck and I hope you get the help you want and deserve soon.

[mammo]

I am so sorry for your loss.  There is no greater loss than that of a child.  Are you back on antidepressants? If not you should be and also in therapy. You have all the symptoms of depression, and you deserve a happy life so that you can enjoy your little girls.  I think you are still struggling with your son's loss, how could you not be?  I lost my son 10 years ago and it still hurts so much.  I have been on medication ever since.  You don't have to live your life like this, and your daughters need you so much.  It was my other 2 children that kept me going.  It may be that you are afraid of getting attached to your girls for fear of losing them.  You really had no time to mourn the loss of your son before you got pregnant again.  Often we think we've dealt with something as traumatic as this, when in reality we haven't.  It does eventually rear it's ugly head in the form of depression.  I know your heart is still breaking, but you and your girls deserve to be happy.  One thing that helped me a lot was to write letters to my son.  I know it sounds crazy but putting your feelings on paper is very therapeutic.  I will never understand why children have to suffer or leave this earth before us, and it has made me question my faith.  Please seek help so you can get your life back.  I know you can do this.  If you ever want to talk or just vent, please PM me, and maybe between the two of us we can get you through this difficult time.  Big hugs to you.....