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how long does intense grief last?
I lost my husband suddenly almost four weeks ago. For the first week or two, I think I was in a type of shock. Now, I cry almost daily and it is difficult to control, I just feel so unbelievably sad. We were very close and I miss him terribly. I'm not sure how to get past this feeling although I am really trying. I just can't picture my life without him. To anyone that has lost a spouse, how long does it take to get past these very intense feelings? I don't think it has reached a point as beyond normal, however, I'm finding it hard to answer the question "how are you doing?" yet saying "I'm fine " is a real stretch. Comments?
Hi Caroline. Thinking of you today and hoping you are having an up day. Sending thoughts and hugs!
I think grieving is a different cycle for everyone. We all process and deal with grief differently and have our own ways of coping. You will begin to move forward with time but you will be forever changed. I am so very sorry for your loss!
Dear Caroline,
I am sorry for your loss, and I mean it because I know what it means to lose a beloved spouse. My wife Grace passed away on August 31 this year after battling two cancers for 21 months. She passed peacefully and without pain, and with faith to Jesus Christ, and for all that I am grateful. I miss her terribly.
I have never experienced such intense pain in my life, much more than with the loss of parents and other relatives. There is no comparison to the loss of a spouse, because you not only lose and miss your spouse, you also lose a way of life. After the funeral, mourners go home to their families and resume life with minimal disruption, but the surviving spouse is often left alone in the house in deep sorow and struggling with new roles that were once handled by the spouse. Phone calls and visits from friends and family are no substitute for our beloved.
Time alone will NOT heal all wounds; it depends what you do with time. I joined two bereavement support groups for people who lost a spouse which have been invaluable and a source of comfort and knowledge about the grief/mourning process. One was a 6-week program offered free of charge by the funeral home; the other was a 7-week program offered free of charge by hospital hospice where Grace passed on. And no one else will be able to listen to your story as empathetically as fellow travelers on this particular grief journey. So if you have not done so already, I encourage you to look into and join a bereavement group (or two).
One thing I learned is that grief and mourning are different. Grief consists of the private feelings, thoughts, and emotions we experience with a loss. Mourning is the outward expression of that grief, especially where you can tell your grief story to others and honor your lost loved one.
Another thing I learned is that grief/mourning takes time (possibly 3 years or more), depending on circumstances. Slow down and take your time, even though friends and family members will offer the usual cliches about moving on quickly (out of their ignorance and desire to see you out of pain). They mean well, but they are incapable of understanding the depth and meaning of your loss.
Finally, if you are a Christian, you may find comfort and support from your faith and the fellowship of your church. I have found Bible study and church fellowship helpful and recently joined the church where my wife's memorial service was held. Faith and fellowship have been blessings.
I pray you find relief and comfort as you journey down this incomparably painful grief journey. When we decide to love someone deeply, we have also deciding to accept the inevitability of deep grief when they pass and leave us alone with our memories of them.
Sincerely,
Ray
I am sorry for your loss, and I mean it because I know what it means to lose a beloved spouse. My wife Grace passed away on August 31 this year after battling two cancers for 21 months. She passed peacefully and without pain, and with faith to Jesus Christ, and for all that I am grateful. I miss her terribly.
I have never experienced such intense pain in my life, much more than with the loss of parents and other relatives. There is no comparison to the loss of a spouse, because you not only lose and miss your spouse, you also lose a way of life. After the funeral, mourners go home to their families and resume life with minimal disruption, but the surviving spouse is often left alone in the house in deep sorow and struggling with new roles that were once handled by the spouse. Phone calls and visits from friends and family are no substitute for our beloved.
Time alone will NOT heal all wounds; it depends what you do with time. I joined two bereavement support groups for people who lost a spouse which have been invaluable and a source of comfort and knowledge about the grief/mourning process. One was a 6-week program offered free of charge by the funeral home; the other was a 7-week program offered free of charge by hospital hospice where Grace passed on. And no one else will be able to listen to your story as empathetically as fellow travelers on this particular grief journey. So if you have not done so already, I encourage you to look into and join a bereavement group (or two).
One thing I learned is that grief and mourning are different. Grief consists of the private feelings, thoughts, and emotions we experience with a loss. Mourning is the outward expression of that grief, especially where you can tell your grief story to others and honor your lost loved one.
Another thing I learned is that grief/mourning takes time (possibly 3 years or more), depending on circumstances. Slow down and take your time, even though friends and family members will offer the usual cliches about moving on quickly (out of their ignorance and desire to see you out of pain). They mean well, but they are incapable of understanding the depth and meaning of your loss.
Finally, if you are a Christian, you may find comfort and support from your faith and the fellowship of your church. I have found Bible study and church fellowship helpful and recently joined the church where my wife's memorial service was held. Faith and fellowship have been blessings.
I pray you find relief and comfort as you journey down this incomparably painful grief journey. When we decide to love someone deeply, we have also deciding to accept the inevitability of deep grief when they pass and leave us alone with our memories of them.
Sincerely,
Ray
I found this forum by accident. Unresolved and Stuck in grief for to many years. Everyone moved on a long time ago, not me. Why?
I just lost my Dad to a severe heart attack. It was 2am and we were bringing my Mom to the emergency room. She was having CHF. I offered my Dad that I drive, seeing his driving hasn't really been up to par. But he insisted that he drive. On our way down the highway he had a massive heart attack, in return caused us to have a horrendous car accident. The car spun and when it stopped it started to tip, but then landed back on all four tires, or what was left of the tires. Once I evaluated who was okay, I noticed my Dad to be unresponsive. I jumped into the front seat and started CPR on my father. This continued for 15 minutes until the arrival of medics. The medics also began working on my mother. I called my 26 year old son frantically from the accident. He is a paramedic for the city. He was there in no time...assessed my abrassions and then jumped in the ambulance to work on my mother. At this time the ambulance with my father had already left for the hospital. I knew at that moment, that my father was gone. At first I had felt the guilt that I had not performed CPR correctly and that I could have saved him. My son later confirmed that it was the heart attack that killed him, not the accident and there was nothing I could have done to save him.
I still have nightmares of that night. It has been 2 months. I see and hear myself doing the CPR begging my Dad not to give up and pleading him not to leave us. Sleep is so hard for me to deal with. Just weeks before the accident he was attending one of the biggest nights of my life. I was performing at the Massachusetts Country Music Awards Night. I was singing a song in which my Father had picked out called "Just Might Make Me Believe" by Sugarland. I took home 2 awards that night....he was there thru it all. Never had I felt the love from my parents as I did that night. How proud they were of me.
Being in my own band and playing out every weekend, as I grace the stage, I am asked to sing that song. It is now the most difficult thing to do, but I will do it each time I am asked. I do it for my Dad. Although as I sing it the tears stream down my face...
Christmas is coming upon my family. I live with my mother and it is so difficult watching her go thru this sadness knowing I can not take away the pain. They have been married for 57 years. There no way for me to fill her emptiness. I hold her often when she cries and comfort her. But I know it is not going to heal her broken heart. I hold back my tears the best I can. I have not had the chance to actually grieve or let out my tears all together. I feel as though if I start to cry, I will not stop. I need to stay strong and in control for my Mom. I know I will have my turn to grieve, but for now it is in a place that I hold for later.
My life has changed quite a bit in these past 2 months. I can not go to work, in fear of leaving my Mom alone. So money has become an issue. Luckily the members in my band are understanding to the lack of shows until I can get back on my feet. For that I feel blessed. Even though our band is in the top list of bands and at our prime...I need to pull back from it. Things I am sure will be back to normal. Maybe not the same, but back. Until then...Mom comes first...she is all worth it!!!! I WILL NOT let her go thru this alone!!
It has been very inspirational reading some of these post. If makes me believe that things do get better...thank you to all!
I still have nightmares of that night. It has been 2 months. I see and hear myself doing the CPR begging my Dad not to give up and pleading him not to leave us. Sleep is so hard for me to deal with. Just weeks before the accident he was attending one of the biggest nights of my life. I was performing at the Massachusetts Country Music Awards Night. I was singing a song in which my Father had picked out called "Just Might Make Me Believe" by Sugarland. I took home 2 awards that night....he was there thru it all. Never had I felt the love from my parents as I did that night. How proud they were of me.
Being in my own band and playing out every weekend, as I grace the stage, I am asked to sing that song. It is now the most difficult thing to do, but I will do it each time I am asked. I do it for my Dad. Although as I sing it the tears stream down my face...
Christmas is coming upon my family. I live with my mother and it is so difficult watching her go thru this sadness knowing I can not take away the pain. They have been married for 57 years. There no way for me to fill her emptiness. I hold her often when she cries and comfort her. But I know it is not going to heal her broken heart. I hold back my tears the best I can. I have not had the chance to actually grieve or let out my tears all together. I feel as though if I start to cry, I will not stop. I need to stay strong and in control for my Mom. I know I will have my turn to grieve, but for now it is in a place that I hold for later.
My life has changed quite a bit in these past 2 months. I can not go to work, in fear of leaving my Mom alone. So money has become an issue. Luckily the members in my band are understanding to the lack of shows until I can get back on my feet. For that I feel blessed. Even though our band is in the top list of bands and at our prime...I need to pull back from it. Things I am sure will be back to normal. Maybe not the same, but back. Until then...Mom comes first...she is all worth it!!!! I WILL NOT let her go thru this alone!!
It has been very inspirational reading some of these post. If makes me believe that things do get better...thank you to all!
No,I think you were meant to feel that he is still with you! I've had many experiences like that.When my Mom first passed,I was in my Mom's car,which was always painful and I seen a women passing me from the other direction,she looked like my Mom and had a big smile on her face! It depends how close you were and how open you are to spirituality! You feeling better,it takes alot of healing and is also a time of self -discovery.Its a feeling that you can't make anyone understand,that you need to find this new person that you now are without your loved one..Its hard,but only as difficult as we make it! I was my Mom's caregiver and am dealing with my issues of feeling that I failed to save her.But Ovarian Cancer is a *****! Especially Stage 4.I don't even think I had a chance against this beast.In time,You will feel better,we must make our loved ones happy by being happy,their souls are still around,until we are at peace with their new home heaven! Just my belief! God Bless,Jen
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