so confused, am i making the right choice? 21 week miscarriage

[Mel_83]

I am 21 weeks pregnant with a beautiful baby girl. I went for a routine check up this week and the hospital told me they couldn't find her heart beat. I am so heartbroken, I can't eat, sleep or think straight. I went for another scan just hoping a praying that they were wrong, but sadly she has passed. It doesn't feel real, I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare and I just want someone to wake me up already. I went to talk to the doctor today, to tell me my options. I have decided to wait for labour to come on naturally, I don't know if this is the right choice. I don't want to be induced knowing that I could be waiting at the hospital for days on the labour ward with all the other mums having their beautiful healthy babies, when I know mine will never take her first breath. I have had 4 other pregnancy, I have 3 amazing happy healthy kids and I lost twins at 31 weeks in 2011. I have had c-section with all 4 pregnancy and have no idea what labour feels like, I'm scared and don't know what to expect. This time last week I was the happiest I had ever been, it took me nearly 3 years to know what true happiness felt like again after I lost the twins. I suffered server depression, anxiety and even attempted suicide. I had a gorgeous little girl in 2013, my pregnancy with her was very complicated and I found that I couldn't get excited about the pregnancy cause I was so scared of losing her after the twins. When I fell pregnant this time I was so excited, I was picturing our future, I was enjoying getting fat, I felt like I had so much to look forward to. I now feel like my world has been turned upside down again, i have so much heart ache in front of me, delivering the baby, making funeral arrangements. Feel like I'm back at square one, I have an amazing supportive partner,. Who I can't be thankful enough for. He supports all my decisions as he just wants me to be happy but I think he wishes that I chose to be induced. Any advice would be great

RIP my beautiful angel Ellie xxx

[skyler411]

I'm so very sorry for your loss!..I lost my daughter at 38wks..stillbirth! I know exactly how your feeling right now. I have three other healthy beautiful girls and I just can't believe this has happened to me ..she was 8lbs 1oz..when I delivered her its been nine months of grief for me..I don't have all the answers but if you want to talk or vent you can always message me.xxx

[Mel_83]

Keeling I am so sorry for your losses,  life is so unfair some times.  May your little angels rip and look after their mummy. I hope and pray that you get your rainbow baby one day soon x

[Mel_83]

I was 21 weeks pregnant with my beautiful girl Ellie, on the 27/05/2014 we heard the devastating news that her little heart had stopped beating :'( I chose to wait for a natural miscarriage, I started having contractions Friday afternoon they became regular at 3:30 minutes apart lasting around 50 seconds, this continued all night. Saturday morning they just stopped on Saturday night I started feeling pain again it was continuous but bearable. I got up to go to the toilet, I sat down and felt like I was going to pass out. I laid on the toilet floor and all of a sudden I felt the most excruciating pain one could imagine. I called out to my amazing partner, he couldn't hear me as I felt so weak I couldn't yell loudly. He eventually heard me and ran to my aid with our 17 month old daughter in his arms, by this time the toilet floor was covered in blood and what looked like to be broken waters. I told him to call an ambulance ad the pain was unbearable, I was screaming and crying with pain. I felt so bad cause it was scaring my baby girl, but there was nothing I could do. My partner assisted me to the bed, I asked him to put me on the floor as I was bleeding very heavily. He called an ambulance, looked after our daughter and supported me in every way he could. The ambulance arrived, I was laying on the bedroom floor scream to please help me. I was laying in a large pool of blood, the ambulance officers were shocked at how much blood I'd lost. They gave me 2 lots of morphine that didn't feel like it did anything. We went in the ambulance, I was still in agony. They gave me the green whistle and more morphine, nothing was helping and I told them I needed to push. They said not until we get to l&d. We finally arrived I was still yelling with pain, begging someone to please help me. They gave me a internal examination and said I was 3 cms with bulging membranes. They then gave me a pethidine shoot which did take the edge off. 2 mins later the midwife asked if I want to go to the toilet. I went to get up to go, but couldn't get off the bed. I felt pressure and fullness in my vagina. I said I think the baby is coming out, she looked and said yes. Give me a push and with half a push I delivered baby placenta and sac all in one go. The midwife had to cut Ellie out of the sac, I couldn't watch. I asked my partner if he could see her, he said yes. He said she didn't look how I was expecting her to look and that he doesn't know if I'd cope. They nurse said that she was only about the size of a 15 week old pregnancy, that she had infection around her in the sac and that she was starting to self absorb. I can't even begin to explain the heartache that I am feeling today, I had everything planned out, exactly how I want to spend the only few hours we'd ever get to spend with her. Creating memories of her that would last us a lifetime, professional photos, footprints, dressing her in a pure white dress, reading her a story and most importantly holding her, kissing her and telling her how much I love her and I didn't get any of that. I feel like I have no closure. Stripped of everything that was going to get me through the hard times. My soul is slowly drowning in sadness and killing me slowly. I don't know what to do, I'm not coping at all.

[KeeLolo]

I am so so sorry to have to read this. But dear heart my advice is follow your heart. I understand completely what you are saying about wanting to have her come on her own just to feel what it's like to give birth naturally. My DH and myself have been TTC for 9 yrs. We finally got pregnant for the first time ever July 2013 miscarried  Aug only 7 weeks later. Then found out we were expecting again October 2013 and miscarried Jan 2014 at 4 1/2 months. The most devastating thing ever!!!!!! I just knew I was bringing our baby home. We were just 2days away from finding out the sex when our baby passed I didn't want to see him/her because I didn't want that last image of him/her left in my head of them that way.

But I think you are doing what's right for you and what is going to help you get through your grieving process. I will definitely be praying for you my heart goes out to you and I wish you all the best....