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Help, anxious - HIV anxiety
Hi,
I'm a heterosexual male who has recently had some bicurious thoughts but never acted upon them, knowing my preference for relationships with women. While I was in another city, I got extremely intoxicated / possibly roofied at friends' party and only have vague recollections of the night before. I remember going to this guy I met's place, having anal intercourse at least at first with a condom but hard to know for sure, and then oral sex without a condom. My memory fully returns to me taking a cab back to my friend's place, feeling horrified and unsure exactly what had happened.
Ever since the incident, I have been plagued with a terrible sense of shame, guilt, and most of all anxiety. I have a history of anxiety and OCD, and have since the incident been obsessively checking forums and online groups about the likelihood of HIV infection, and even contemplating how I would tell people / whether I would end myself if I were to be diagnosed as HIV +. The man who I met has told me repeatedly that he is clean, but has since refused to return my contact because I've been such an anxious mess and asked him multiple times to reassure me.
In terms of dealing with what happened, I feel like I can't tell anyone I know because it is so out-of-character (I'm a well-educated, heterosexual, professional who has never been in such a situation before). Since the incident, I've reconnected with my psychiatrist to go back on anxiety treatments and deal with my recent alcohol abuse (I've noticed that I've been heavily anxious and possibly drinking to self-medicate). I've also paid for a full STD panel with an early HIV test that is 95% accurate after 21 days, so I plan on taking that.
The thing I can't deal with is how to live with myself between now and then, and the daily anxiety that I feel when I remember what happened (or have brief flashbacks) or when I think that three weeks from now my life will be irrevocably worse and damaged. It's hard for me to live with and feel motivated to do things that I would normally do - see friends, go to the gym, enjoy life. I have this somewhat irrational (but statistically plausible) fear that my life will be over when I get my test results back and it's making me not enjoy life right now at all.
I'm just so disappointed, know that I am better than this, and can't believe I've found myself in such a situation. What can I do?
I'm a heterosexual male who has recently had some bicurious thoughts but never acted upon them, knowing my preference for relationships with women. While I was in another city, I got extremely intoxicated / possibly roofied at friends' party and only have vague recollections of the night before. I remember going to this guy I met's place, having anal intercourse at least at first with a condom but hard to know for sure, and then oral sex without a condom. My memory fully returns to me taking a cab back to my friend's place, feeling horrified and unsure exactly what had happened.
Ever since the incident, I have been plagued with a terrible sense of shame, guilt, and most of all anxiety. I have a history of anxiety and OCD, and have since the incident been obsessively checking forums and online groups about the likelihood of HIV infection, and even contemplating how I would tell people / whether I would end myself if I were to be diagnosed as HIV +. The man who I met has told me repeatedly that he is clean, but has since refused to return my contact because I've been such an anxious mess and asked him multiple times to reassure me.
In terms of dealing with what happened, I feel like I can't tell anyone I know because it is so out-of-character (I'm a well-educated, heterosexual, professional who has never been in such a situation before). Since the incident, I've reconnected with my psychiatrist to go back on anxiety treatments and deal with my recent alcohol abuse (I've noticed that I've been heavily anxious and possibly drinking to self-medicate). I've also paid for a full STD panel with an early HIV test that is 95% accurate after 21 days, so I plan on taking that.
The thing I can't deal with is how to live with myself between now and then, and the daily anxiety that I feel when I remember what happened (or have brief flashbacks) or when I think that three weeks from now my life will be irrevocably worse and damaged. It's hard for me to live with and feel motivated to do things that I would normally do - see friends, go to the gym, enjoy life. I have this somewhat irrational (but statistically plausible) fear that my life will be over when I get my test results back and it's making me not enjoy life right now at all.
I'm just so disappointed, know that I am better than this, and can't believe I've found myself in such a situation. What can I do?
There are no tests marketed or sold that will give you a conclusive negative test result earlier than 3 months post exposure. Excessive drinking and sex don't mix.
true, i remember it happened but i don't remember the exact, exact details. Meaning that a condom was on, then it was off but I'm not 100% certain of the timing (~95% certain)
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