Aa
i've done the absolute unthinkable.
i tried to avoid coming back here, i know there is nothing anyone here can do for me now nor is it anyone's fault that i am such a stupid, disgusting **** up. but i have made the biggest mistake in my entire life. it doesn't even make any sense, and i don't expect nor want anyone's sympathy. i expect to be ripped to shreds-- maybe that's what i need. i didn't listen when you guys said to let it go, i didnt listen when i was told to avoid my brother due to my paranoia. i didn't listen to get mental help and stop drinking. and now it has happened......i voluntarily took place in a real risk, the biggest risk of all. and subconsciously i think it's what i've always wanted in all my years of HIV phobia....to have HIV.
On August 7th, i went over to my friend's house. he is heavy drinker and we drank cheap vodka for hours straight, and had several beers. as the night progressed....my friend suggested that we should invite my brother over. something told me to say no, that it was too late at night anyway. but i didn't. my brother came over and my friend went to the store and bought more vodka, a bag of weed...and ecstacy. i dont like weed but i smoked for the hell of it, and i've never done ecstacy....but that night...i tried it.
the next day i woke up on the floor of my friend's house. he and curtis were asleep in the bed. i had blacked out. but i remembered doing something very weird. i just felt different, down there...so to speak. and i just tried to ignore it. i remembered something strange had occurred between Curtis and I, but i tried to brush it off just thinking it was my anxiety or my paranoia.
days later, as i was sitting in the tub and i had touched myself. i just felt compromised, like something had happened to change my three year's celibacy. it was then that my memories came rushing back to me, it was photographic all the way down to the dialogue of what happened that night. since hearing of curtis' diagnosis i've fallen into a bad habit of always bringing up my hiv phobia when i get drunk, and asking my friends for their opinions of my "non risk" events. last month i even went as far as to make my female best friend show me what the difference between genital rubbing and penetration was, with her finger.
that night on august 7th, at my friend's house with my brother i brought this up again. i asked my brother to explain to me the difference between rubbing and penetration. i asked him if penetration means it has to go in the hole, or is just being on the vagina sex itself considered intercourse? i told him that my friend had tried to show me....but i needed a real penis to give true example.
that's when the friend who's house we were at started shouting for curtis to show me what penetration was. mind you everyone was very drunk and high. for whatever very stupid reason, i started to beg curtis to show me. i told him i would rather him be the one to do it than anyone else.....and that he only had to do it for a second. i told him there was no risk in dipping. even though i know that was a lie!!! he kept saying no, no...there arent even any condoms in here.....but i insisted it would be fine, and to just show me so i could finally stop wondering.
things get blurry around this point, but i remember him taking off his pants and underwear and me kneeling on the floor by the bed pulling my jeans down in front of my friend....and curtis jerking off to get hard and insert in me. i remember being startled at first that it actually happened---but i said "now that's penetration!" and told him to pull out. he was not fully erect, and it though i was drunk i don't think it lasted more than 20 seconds. i kept going on about how the first penis i had in three years was my own family's, and i kept telling him i would rather it be him than anyone else. .........i am so ashamed and disgusted by this, i think that is how my mind blocked it out for the few days after until my memory came back...combined with the drinking and drugs. i wanted to believe my anxiety had fabricated all of this, but then i asked my friend. and he remembers bits and pieces of it. i confronted curtis about it, and he said he remembers me asking him to do it but wants to believe it didn't happen and that he stayed on the bed the whole night. he says he is in denial and wants me to pretend it didn't happen, but how can i? i essentially ASKED him to give me HIV.....i am so afraid, and depressed. what are my odds?
14 days later i suffered from a very random and persistent sore throat. my lymph nodes were swollen and i was very hot. i went for a rapid test the next day, and it was negative but i know the test was essentially worthless being it was only done at two weeks.
i am so certain that i experienced ARS. I am trying to mentally prepare myself to be HIV positive, but I can't just knowing the ridiculously stupid way this all came about. Even though it was very brief penetration, i cant say for sure if there was pre-cum, and also Curtis isnt on MEDS yet.,...and I have HSV2. the odds are all stacked against me. i dont have any one to talk to about this. he is now avoiding me like the plague....im tempted to talk to my mother about it because she can tell that something is going very wrong with me. i am very embarrassed to be posting this here. i dont expect remorse.....but what of my risk? is there any hope at all i may remain negative?
On August 7th, i went over to my friend's house. he is heavy drinker and we drank cheap vodka for hours straight, and had several beers. as the night progressed....my friend suggested that we should invite my brother over. something told me to say no, that it was too late at night anyway. but i didn't. my brother came over and my friend went to the store and bought more vodka, a bag of weed...and ecstacy. i dont like weed but i smoked for the hell of it, and i've never done ecstacy....but that night...i tried it.
the next day i woke up on the floor of my friend's house. he and curtis were asleep in the bed. i had blacked out. but i remembered doing something very weird. i just felt different, down there...so to speak. and i just tried to ignore it. i remembered something strange had occurred between Curtis and I, but i tried to brush it off just thinking it was my anxiety or my paranoia.
days later, as i was sitting in the tub and i had touched myself. i just felt compromised, like something had happened to change my three year's celibacy. it was then that my memories came rushing back to me, it was photographic all the way down to the dialogue of what happened that night. since hearing of curtis' diagnosis i've fallen into a bad habit of always bringing up my hiv phobia when i get drunk, and asking my friends for their opinions of my "non risk" events. last month i even went as far as to make my female best friend show me what the difference between genital rubbing and penetration was, with her finger.
that night on august 7th, at my friend's house with my brother i brought this up again. i asked my brother to explain to me the difference between rubbing and penetration. i asked him if penetration means it has to go in the hole, or is just being on the vagina sex itself considered intercourse? i told him that my friend had tried to show me....but i needed a real penis to give true example.
that's when the friend who's house we were at started shouting for curtis to show me what penetration was. mind you everyone was very drunk and high. for whatever very stupid reason, i started to beg curtis to show me. i told him i would rather him be the one to do it than anyone else.....and that he only had to do it for a second. i told him there was no risk in dipping. even though i know that was a lie!!! he kept saying no, no...there arent even any condoms in here.....but i insisted it would be fine, and to just show me so i could finally stop wondering.
things get blurry around this point, but i remember him taking off his pants and underwear and me kneeling on the floor by the bed pulling my jeans down in front of my friend....and curtis jerking off to get hard and insert in me. i remember being startled at first that it actually happened---but i said "now that's penetration!" and told him to pull out. he was not fully erect, and it though i was drunk i don't think it lasted more than 20 seconds. i kept going on about how the first penis i had in three years was my own family's, and i kept telling him i would rather it be him than anyone else. .........i am so ashamed and disgusted by this, i think that is how my mind blocked it out for the few days after until my memory came back...combined with the drinking and drugs. i wanted to believe my anxiety had fabricated all of this, but then i asked my friend. and he remembers bits and pieces of it. i confronted curtis about it, and he said he remembers me asking him to do it but wants to believe it didn't happen and that he stayed on the bed the whole night. he says he is in denial and wants me to pretend it didn't happen, but how can i? i essentially ASKED him to give me HIV.....i am so afraid, and depressed. what are my odds?
14 days later i suffered from a very random and persistent sore throat. my lymph nodes were swollen and i was very hot. i went for a rapid test the next day, and it was negative but i know the test was essentially worthless being it was only done at two weeks.
i am so certain that i experienced ARS. I am trying to mentally prepare myself to be HIV positive, but I can't just knowing the ridiculously stupid way this all came about. Even though it was very brief penetration, i cant say for sure if there was pre-cum, and also Curtis isnt on MEDS yet.,...and I have HSV2. the odds are all stacked against me. i dont have any one to talk to about this. he is now avoiding me like the plague....im tempted to talk to my mother about it because she can tell that something is going very wrong with me. i am very embarrassed to be posting this here. i dont expect remorse.....but what of my risk? is there any hope at all i may remain negative?
6 weeks negative. Not that I think any one's opinion over my situation has changed, but I am feeling a strong sense of relief and would like to know if it's valid at this point? Is it true you guys only teccomend 6 weeks because most folks here have never had a real exposure, or are the seroconversion statistics at this point actually accurate? If you will...please. Confirming in 6 weeks...
you know when to test for a conclusive result...nothing more this forum can offer.
please take further questions to the hiv anxiety community forum. we are not a psychological counseling service here.
please take further questions to the hiv anxiety community forum. we are not a psychological counseling service here.
I don't understand. Can anyone please tell me just what exactly I would have to gain by "making this up"???? I'm well aware of how outlandish it sounds, and is, especially to a forum of people who don't really know me enough to fully grasp just what kind of crazy **** goes on in my EVERYDAY life, and especially within my family. I don't really know how to make anyone here believe me, except to say why Would I want something like this to be true if it wasn't? If I had any doubt?
I don't know where my logic was that night. I was extremely intoxicated and high, as well as still being overly Paranoid and OCD over "what is penetration and what is frottage"....that yes, I convinced him into showing me. Do you know how hard this is for me to type and to say over and over again? I kept telling him it was okay because we're really cousins, and that I would rather it be him than anyone else--to show me what it was so that I could get it out of my system and stop worrying (ha!). He said there was no condoms in my friend's room and I drunkinly, falsely assured him there was no risk from dipping. It was horrible horrible horrible, the worst thing I've ever done in my life and now I may have to pay for it with my life.
As I stated, when I spoke to him about it thereafter he said he remembered me asking him to do that--but says he is pretty cerrain he stayed on the bed all night and ignored me. My friend that was also there remembers everything that I do. So you see, there is no WAy this is just my imagination or anxiety ridden in anyway.
My alcoholism, substance use and OCD combined made for the most regretful moment of my life. At 5 weeks post, I don't feel in the Least less worried because I know given my risk.... I don't know where I truly stand. Am I even a little bit in the cleAr? I know that it's asking a lot, and that it's hard given the circumstances, not to judge me completely. But if you could just put whatever reason for disbelief you have aside....I am just simply NOT making this up. Why would I be getting tested at weekly intervals, losing night after night of sleep, and basically begging for consolement if I was making this up? please...
I don't know where my logic was that night. I was extremely intoxicated and high, as well as still being overly Paranoid and OCD over "what is penetration and what is frottage"....that yes, I convinced him into showing me. Do you know how hard this is for me to type and to say over and over again? I kept telling him it was okay because we're really cousins, and that I would rather it be him than anyone else--to show me what it was so that I could get it out of my system and stop worrying (ha!). He said there was no condoms in my friend's room and I drunkinly, falsely assured him there was no risk from dipping. It was horrible horrible horrible, the worst thing I've ever done in my life and now I may have to pay for it with my life.
As I stated, when I spoke to him about it thereafter he said he remembered me asking him to do that--but says he is pretty cerrain he stayed on the bed all night and ignored me. My friend that was also there remembers everything that I do. So you see, there is no WAy this is just my imagination or anxiety ridden in anyway.
My alcoholism, substance use and OCD combined made for the most regretful moment of my life. At 5 weeks post, I don't feel in the Least less worried because I know given my risk.... I don't know where I truly stand. Am I even a little bit in the cleAr? I know that it's asking a lot, and that it's hard given the circumstances, not to judge me completely. But if you could just put whatever reason for disbelief you have aside....I am just simply NOT making this up. Why would I be getting tested at weekly intervals, losing night after night of sleep, and basically begging for consolement if I was making this up? please...
I said 3 months being nice but I don't believe your story like others on this forum. It is too far fetched.
I know 3 months is conclusive, believe you me i Fully intend to test up until that time. But I have been getting a test each week post exposure and am up to 5 weeks now. Ive been feeling a little less on edge, but i dont want it to be a false sense Of security if that result meant next to nothing.The test administrator and counselor said that by now I would have been at least intermediate if I was truly experiencing symptoms and that my negative was very unlikely to change within a week. He also said something that concurred with Teak about congestion and sneezing not being a part of ARS. What I guess im asking is how far into the clear am I, If a 5 weeks result really holds way less weight than 6 weeks result? I've been searching through the forum and see posts by the Doc where he says results in this time frame are next to conclusive, only requiring a confirmation as ordered by the CDC.
3 months is when you can get a conclusive test. Until then nothing else we can tell you.
Okay, thanks Teak. But it's more than that, it's a complete cold that I haven't been able to shake for 4 days now. My throat is also acting up off and on since a few weeks ago. I am usually over my colds in 24 hours. I know you guys could care less about symptoms, but It's eerily similar to the cold he had before he left to the Army. Is a 5 weeks test sufficient enough to skip a 6 week, i.e is the result likely to change in 7 days? It was a 3rd gen test only...
I am negative now up to 35 days (5 weeks) but I have been dealing with a somewhat of a strong cold for a few days now. I am sneezing non stop and have a funny nose- last night I was freezing, I'm not sure if it was a fever or not but my mom agreed that I feel very clamy. Medicine and such are not working, ive not felt like this before and I never get colds before mid winter. I feel like I am probably still going through ARS but at 5 weeks I would have been positive, if so, right? Is there a strong likelihood the test can change from neg at 5 weeks to Poz at 6? I am also fighting off very intense fatigue. It's a very scary thing to feel yourself seroconverting, as I feel I am. Where do I stand at 5 weeks?
I wish I was making this up, I swear to you. He did not ANALLY penetrate me, I never said that Nursegirl and I am a female! I was more high than I have ever been in my entire life.....and yes, I will stop drinking I haven't touched a drop since that night. I do not want to have anymore HIV related questions or scenarios. I promise......I would never come up here with lies or if i was doubtful it didn't happen. I asked my friend and my brother. If he remembers me begging him to do it-- and my friend remembers him taking off his pants, and me saying "This is penetration!" than dont you think that SOMETHING happened? I wish to God that I just had a bad dream.....or something. but then my symptoms afterwards and the fact that he is now avoiding me like the plague because I don't want to "pretend it didnt happen"??!!
I swear I am not making this up.......
I swear I am not making this up.......
That's my impression, too, LL. Instantly thought of the outrageous stories people come up with, JUST to ask an HIV related question.
Having your bother (really his cousin) anally penetrate you....hmmmm, awfully hard to believe. ESPECIALLY because our friend here has one of the worst cases of HIV anxiety we've seen. Drunk, high, or not..I doubt he would have asked his HIV+ faamily member to enter him anally.
BUT, for craps and giggles...he got my advice.
Having your bother (really his cousin) anally penetrate you....hmmmm, awfully hard to believe. ESPECIALLY because our friend here has one of the worst cases of HIV anxiety we've seen. Drunk, high, or not..I doubt he would have asked his HIV+ faamily member to enter him anally.
BUT, for craps and giggles...he got my advice.
Are you going to get professional help NOW? Stop drinking NOW? Not sure what you're waiting for.
We don't need to go into a big long dialogue with you...we've had every discussion about HIV, anxiety, drinking there is to have with you already. This isn't a psychological counselling service...you need to seek the assistance of a professional for that.
Therefore, I will just say to get tested at the appropriate times, which you already know.
A test at 3 months will be conclusive.
We don't need to go into a big long dialogue with you...we've had every discussion about HIV, anxiety, drinking there is to have with you already. This isn't a psychological counselling service...you need to seek the assistance of a professional for that.
Therefore, I will just say to get tested at the appropriate times, which you already know.
A test at 3 months will be conclusive.
Hi there
The risk you have is very low
As far as I know the risk is anything between 1 in 1000 to 1 in 2000 but since it was not a real incident it would obviously be a lot lower if there is even any risk here.
Ive heard that around 25 percent of hiv infected people will test positive by 14 days
I would advice you to get a hiv duo test at 4 weeks 6 weeks and 12 weeks
I personally wouldnt tell my mother about this particular situation
The risk you have is very low
As far as I know the risk is anything between 1 in 1000 to 1 in 2000 but since it was not a real incident it would obviously be a lot lower if there is even any risk here.
Ive heard that around 25 percent of hiv infected people will test positive by 14 days
I would advice you to get a hiv duo test at 4 weeks 6 weeks and 12 weeks
I personally wouldnt tell my mother about this particular situation
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