I'm just plain scared...

[amommy]

Well, first off, I apologize for taking up a thread with this vent.  I just don't know how to process all I am thinking about and you guys are all so insightful and helpful.  Please feel free to post other topics on this thread...

I don't even know where to begin.  I am scared.  I have shared little parts of my story, but to recap, I am hep c positive.  I found out I had the antibodies in 1995, and thought that I just had the antibodies.  Eventually it came to light in 2001 when I asked to be retested that I in fact have the active virus.

Still, at that time, I was told it really is up to me whether to treat or not, my liver enzymes have always been normal etc.  My hubby and I decided to wait it out, start our family (given the less than 5% chance of it being passed on to a baby) and go from there.  Well, sadly, it was passed on to my darling dear daughter, but thus far she seems fine.  I could post a whole other post about my worries for her, but this post is going to be about me.

My GI told me basically that I only need to come back when I am ready to treat.  I have not been back.  I am too scared.  I feel like I have increasing sxs, and I am so afraid of what I am going to find out.  How is this logical?  I cannot explain this.  I am afraid to treat, I am afraid not to treat.  I am petrified of the long term effects of the treatment, and just as petrified of taking a chance with this disease.  Every ache and pain, I feel like OH NO, that must be my liver getting worse.  All these symptoms, the RA type stuff, the GI issues, I feel like I have all of them...

[rearfang]

I understand your worries, and they are not unfounded, but You might be worrying about some things that will never happen. Many people go through tx with very few difficulties ( I am --so far, at week 12-- one of them). Since you are geno 2, you have much better odds of clearing and half the time of tx-- you'd be halfway through now to my 1/4 of the way. I think it is worth considering. So sorry to hear about your daughter. I will keep you in my prayers.
Lauren

[amommy]

Some are certainly in my head.  But some probably are not.  Why am I such a coward? I want to live a whole lot of years and I want to have more babies and I cannot confront this monster.  Maybe it is partly because my dh also doesn't think treatment is a good idea.  So, maybe I am afraid that I won't have the necessary support.  Does anyone else ever feel this way?  I just feel scared, overwhelmed, sick, tired, and all the other things.  I lie awake at night trying to decide what the "right" thing to do is.  It is truly wearing me down.  Just looking to hear that I am not the only one to feel this way.  I am geno 2(not sure if a or b) with a high VL, was 5 mil I think that last time I had it tested which was 17 months ago.  Anyway, can someone, anyone, identify with me? Or am I really just losing my mind?
Thank you all so much for all of your insight and support on this forum.  It is such a relief to have a forum like this...