Aa
Crumbling
It really hit me today, 10 months into TX, cowering on the side of the NYS thruway on my way to my monthly gastro appointment, rear passenger side tire flat as a pancake, just how much of an invalid I've become.
I didn't have a cell phone; it's one of the one of the many things I've forgotten to keep up with; the contract lapsed months ago.
I didn't have the strength to even attempt to change the tire myself. In my pre-TX days, i could have eventually figured it out. it might have taken me all friggin' day but I would have done it.
Steamy Indian summer morning, car parked next to a lush grove of apple trees with plump ripe fruit dangling: I got as far as emptying the trunk to pull out the spare and then started trembling, felt nauseous, couldn't breathe. Raised the trunk and leaned against the rear bumper, hoping I'd spot a good samaritan or a state cop whizzing by. In the back of my mind scenes from my niece's death, 5 years ago, on the side of a Florida interstate, trying to troubleshoot engine problems, mowed down by an out-of-control tractor-trailer . . . I wasn't THERE but I was there . . .
I was in luck. A k-9 unit pulled up, took my info and relayed it to the state troopers but no one showed up.
Joe from PA came by half an hour later and changed the tire in less than 5 minutes, refusing to take the $40 I tried to press on him.
"You've redeemed my faith in human nature," I told him
By this time I was close to passing out; didn't want to drive 60 miles back to my cottage on a spare, got off the next exit and bought a couple of new tires at a local Mavis, drove home, called the gastro telling them why I hadn't shown up, forced myself to go to the local Walmart to buy one of those prepaid phones coz with my luck, when i try to make the trip again tomorrow I'll have a similar incident requiring access to AAA and will once again be stuck.
I'm wiped out. One friggin little crisis and I'm burned, wondering how I'm gonna manage the trip tomorrow. Wondering how I managed to get back home safely today. Wondering if I'll ever again be able to handle such irritating but routine daily crises. . .
Feeling weak, scared, realizing I have next to zero strength left . . .
Very depressed.
Just had to ramble. Thanks.
wyntre
I didn't have a cell phone; it's one of the one of the many things I've forgotten to keep up with; the contract lapsed months ago.
I didn't have the strength to even attempt to change the tire myself. In my pre-TX days, i could have eventually figured it out. it might have taken me all friggin' day but I would have done it.
Steamy Indian summer morning, car parked next to a lush grove of apple trees with plump ripe fruit dangling: I got as far as emptying the trunk to pull out the spare and then started trembling, felt nauseous, couldn't breathe. Raised the trunk and leaned against the rear bumper, hoping I'd spot a good samaritan or a state cop whizzing by. In the back of my mind scenes from my niece's death, 5 years ago, on the side of a Florida interstate, trying to troubleshoot engine problems, mowed down by an out-of-control tractor-trailer . . . I wasn't THERE but I was there . . .
I was in luck. A k-9 unit pulled up, took my info and relayed it to the state troopers but no one showed up.
Joe from PA came by half an hour later and changed the tire in less than 5 minutes, refusing to take the $40 I tried to press on him.
"You've redeemed my faith in human nature," I told him
By this time I was close to passing out; didn't want to drive 60 miles back to my cottage on a spare, got off the next exit and bought a couple of new tires at a local Mavis, drove home, called the gastro telling them why I hadn't shown up, forced myself to go to the local Walmart to buy one of those prepaid phones coz with my luck, when i try to make the trip again tomorrow I'll have a similar incident requiring access to AAA and will once again be stuck.
I'm wiped out. One friggin little crisis and I'm burned, wondering how I'm gonna manage the trip tomorrow. Wondering how I managed to get back home safely today. Wondering if I'll ever again be able to handle such irritating but routine daily crises. . .
Feeling weak, scared, realizing I have next to zero strength left . . .
Very depressed.
Just had to ramble. Thanks.
wyntre
look at pic, chill, it'll be ok, yup! it's a **tch at times but better days are just around the corner and will come along soon. 225 miles? WOW!
jasper
jasper
Yeah . . 100+ miles each way and I'm not talking country driving.
Where's the pic? I see a cartoon figure but you ususally have those gorgeous landscapes posted.
Deb,
if I'd let myself cry I would have lost it completely. Plus, how could i cry in front of hundreds of strangers zipping by at 80 mph - just choked it down and tried to survive, as usual.
Beginning to wonder what for.
wyn
Where's the pic? I see a cartoon figure but you ususally have those gorgeous landscapes posted.
Deb,
if I'd let myself cry I would have lost it completely. Plus, how could i cry in front of hundreds of strangers zipping by at 80 mph - just choked it down and tried to survive, as usual.
Beginning to wonder what for.
wyn
Thank you for sharing your lament. Soul to soul. I understand. It helped me to know the struggle you somehow got through. I am not alone. Sorry.
O'darn, I guess I saved myself from myself. I was going to post a picture of me but to large and to many pixels. O'well. lol
do hope you feel better tho.
jasper
do hope you feel better tho.
jasper
CASPER!
Is it really Youuuuuuu?
Lizbo,
Ya know, I've been trying my best to stay positive but as Deb said, it really does feel like one is entombed . . .within yourself.
Everything is such a big friggin deal. I figured out that one of the things I'm furious about is that it takes me 4 weeks to build up strength for the next all day gastro marathon and now i gotta do it again tomorrow and that means siphoning energy reserved for other stuff . . . ..which I can't afford ....my energy reserves have been depleted.
No, lizbo, you're not alone. Sometimes it's pretty darn hard to find the silver lining in all of this.
And, yeah, i got through it, today, but what's scary is I don't know if I will the next time. My confidence is non-existent now.
wyn
Is it really Youuuuuuu?
Lizbo,
Ya know, I've been trying my best to stay positive but as Deb said, it really does feel like one is entombed . . .within yourself.
Everything is such a big friggin deal. I figured out that one of the things I'm furious about is that it takes me 4 weeks to build up strength for the next all day gastro marathon and now i gotta do it again tomorrow and that means siphoning energy reserved for other stuff . . . ..which I can't afford ....my energy reserves have been depleted.
No, lizbo, you're not alone. Sometimes it's pretty darn hard to find the silver lining in all of this.
And, yeah, i got through it, today, but what's scary is I don't know if I will the next time. My confidence is non-existent now.
wyn
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