Aa
Crumbling
It really hit me today, 10 months into TX, cowering on the side of the NYS thruway on my way to my monthly gastro appointment, rear passenger side tire flat as a pancake, just how much of an invalid I've become.
I didn't have a cell phone; it's one of the one of the many things I've forgotten to keep up with; the contract lapsed months ago.
I didn't have the strength to even attempt to change the tire myself. In my pre-TX days, i could have eventually figured it out. it might have taken me all friggin' day but I would have done it.
Steamy Indian summer morning, car parked next to a lush grove of apple trees with plump ripe fruit dangling: I got as far as emptying the trunk to pull out the spare and then started trembling, felt nauseous, couldn't breathe. Raised the trunk and leaned against the rear bumper, hoping I'd spot a good samaritan or a state cop whizzing by. In the back of my mind scenes from my niece's death, 5 years ago, on the side of a Florida interstate, trying to troubleshoot engine problems, mowed down by an out-of-control tractor-trailer . . . I wasn't THERE but I was there . . .
I was in luck. A k-9 unit pulled up, took my info and relayed it to the state troopers but no one showed up.
Joe from PA came by half an hour later and changed the tire in less than 5 minutes, refusing to take the $40 I tried to press on him.
"You've redeemed my faith in human nature," I told him
By this time I was close to passing out; didn't want to drive 60 miles back to my cottage on a spare, got off the next exit and bought a couple of new tires at a local Mavis, drove home, called the gastro telling them why I hadn't shown up, forced myself to go to the local Walmart to buy one of those prepaid phones coz with my luck, when i try to make the trip again tomorrow I'll have a similar incident requiring access to AAA and will once again be stuck.
I'm wiped out. One friggin little crisis and I'm burned, wondering how I'm gonna manage the trip tomorrow. Wondering how I managed to get back home safely today. Wondering if I'll ever again be able to handle such irritating but routine daily crises. . .
Feeling weak, scared, realizing I have next to zero strength left . . .
Very depressed.
Just had to ramble. Thanks.
wyntre
I didn't have a cell phone; it's one of the one of the many things I've forgotten to keep up with; the contract lapsed months ago.
I didn't have the strength to even attempt to change the tire myself. In my pre-TX days, i could have eventually figured it out. it might have taken me all friggin' day but I would have done it.
Steamy Indian summer morning, car parked next to a lush grove of apple trees with plump ripe fruit dangling: I got as far as emptying the trunk to pull out the spare and then started trembling, felt nauseous, couldn't breathe. Raised the trunk and leaned against the rear bumper, hoping I'd spot a good samaritan or a state cop whizzing by. In the back of my mind scenes from my niece's death, 5 years ago, on the side of a Florida interstate, trying to troubleshoot engine problems, mowed down by an out-of-control tractor-trailer . . . I wasn't THERE but I was there . . .
I was in luck. A k-9 unit pulled up, took my info and relayed it to the state troopers but no one showed up.
Joe from PA came by half an hour later and changed the tire in less than 5 minutes, refusing to take the $40 I tried to press on him.
"You've redeemed my faith in human nature," I told him
By this time I was close to passing out; didn't want to drive 60 miles back to my cottage on a spare, got off the next exit and bought a couple of new tires at a local Mavis, drove home, called the gastro telling them why I hadn't shown up, forced myself to go to the local Walmart to buy one of those prepaid phones coz with my luck, when i try to make the trip again tomorrow I'll have a similar incident requiring access to AAA and will once again be stuck.
I'm wiped out. One friggin little crisis and I'm burned, wondering how I'm gonna manage the trip tomorrow. Wondering how I managed to get back home safely today. Wondering if I'll ever again be able to handle such irritating but routine daily crises. . .
Feeling weak, scared, realizing I have next to zero strength left . . .
Very depressed.
Just had to ramble. Thanks.
wyntre
So sorry to hear all this. That was a nightmare for sure. Thats good that you got new tires and the phone. Its such a long trip to be without a phone, but I can understand how you forgot to keep up with the contract. I was so forgetful during tx and I still am.
Its nice that the man stopped to help. It is scary being on the side of the road like that. Sorry to hear about your niece. My friend and her brother got killed by a drunk driver the same way - waiting for help with their car.
Take a nice shower and put on your pajamas and have a nice cup of tea - that always seems to help me.
Hang in there Wyntre, each day is a day closer to your SVR.
Its nice that the man stopped to help. It is scary being on the side of the road like that. Sorry to hear about your niece. My friend and her brother got killed by a drunk driver the same way - waiting for help with their car.
Take a nice shower and put on your pajamas and have a nice cup of tea - that always seems to help me.
Hang in there Wyntre, each day is a day closer to your SVR.
ah Wyntre, so sorry to hear this, here's hoping that you feel better by the time you read this, I think there is always a person to come by to renew your faith in mankind, it's happened to me more then once...I hope you get some rest and peace to give you a much needed boost...hugs to you!
You aren't alone. I had a flat less than a mile from my house not too long ago and waited two hours in vegas sun until someone who COULD help showed up.
This is the sort of thing lots of folks don't get. How much this stuff can wipe you out completely, physically and mentally.
I'm very glad you got home in one piece even though you prolly don't feel like it and I hope they were nice at your gastro's office.
thinking of you,
deb
This is the sort of thing lots of folks don't get. How much this stuff can wipe you out completely, physically and mentally.
I'm very glad you got home in one piece even though you prolly don't feel like it and I hope they were nice at your gastro's office.
thinking of you,
deb
Thanks you two.
In between the depression I have fits of absolute undirected rage.
Who am I going to be mad at? It's no one's fault I have hep-C; not mine, not the Dr. or friend or lover who exposed me to it at a time no one knew it existed.
It's pretty hard being so furious yet not having anyone or anything to blame.
I have no stamina, no endurance, no fight left. My Own, have you had similar reactions?
wyntre
In between the depression I have fits of absolute undirected rage.
Who am I going to be mad at? It's no one's fault I have hep-C; not mine, not the Dr. or friend or lover who exposed me to it at a time no one knew it existed.
It's pretty hard being so furious yet not having anyone or anything to blame.
I have no stamina, no endurance, no fight left. My Own, have you had similar reactions?
wyntre
Deb,
My gastro's 100 miles away, in another state. I moved from NJ to NY in May but haven't changed Dr.'s coz it's so hard to establish a trusting relationship with someone else, plus there's the insurance issue and his staff are really on top of that aspect.
yeah, flat tire 60 miles from the cottage. How'd you survive in the Vegas sun? Did you stay in the car with the AC on? Weren't you afraid the engine would conk out?
Luckily this happened around 10 AM. But by the time I got home it was past 2. Visits to the gastro is a 225 mile RT and is a whole day thing. I didn't make today's appointment and have rescheduled for tomorrow.
I feel so friggin' weak. I HATE this . . .
wyntre
My gastro's 100 miles away, in another state. I moved from NJ to NY in May but haven't changed Dr.'s coz it's so hard to establish a trusting relationship with someone else, plus there's the insurance issue and his staff are really on top of that aspect.
yeah, flat tire 60 miles from the cottage. How'd you survive in the Vegas sun? Did you stay in the car with the AC on? Weren't you afraid the engine would conk out?
Luckily this happened around 10 AM. But by the time I got home it was past 2. Visits to the gastro is a 225 mile RT and is a whole day thing. I didn't make today's appointment and have rescheduled for tomorrow.
I feel so friggin' weak. I HATE this . . .
wyntre
jeez louise
i just drank water and waited and cursed and cried.
i hate the weakness too. it makes me feel a shadow of my former self.
i told a friend of mine that i was going to take up sky diving when all this is over, just to prove i was alive again
because sometimes this feels like being entombed. doesn't it?
deb
i just drank water and waited and cursed and cried.
i hate the weakness too. it makes me feel a shadow of my former self.
i told a friend of mine that i was going to take up sky diving when all this is over, just to prove i was alive again
because sometimes this feels like being entombed. doesn't it?
deb
look at pic, chill, it'll be ok, yup! it's a **tch at times but better days are just around the corner and will come along soon. 225 miles? WOW!
jasper
jasper
Yeah . . 100+ miles each way and I'm not talking country driving.
Where's the pic? I see a cartoon figure but you ususally have those gorgeous landscapes posted.
Deb,
if I'd let myself cry I would have lost it completely. Plus, how could i cry in front of hundreds of strangers zipping by at 80 mph - just choked it down and tried to survive, as usual.
Beginning to wonder what for.
wyn
Where's the pic? I see a cartoon figure but you ususally have those gorgeous landscapes posted.
Deb,
if I'd let myself cry I would have lost it completely. Plus, how could i cry in front of hundreds of strangers zipping by at 80 mph - just choked it down and tried to survive, as usual.
Beginning to wonder what for.
wyn
Thank you for sharing your lament. Soul to soul. I understand. It helped me to know the struggle you somehow got through. I am not alone. Sorry.
O'darn, I guess I saved myself from myself. I was going to post a picture of me but to large and to many pixels. O'well. lol
do hope you feel better tho.
jasper
do hope you feel better tho.
jasper
CASPER!
Is it really Youuuuuuu?
Lizbo,
Ya know, I've been trying my best to stay positive but as Deb said, it really does feel like one is entombed . . .within yourself.
Everything is such a big friggin deal. I figured out that one of the things I'm furious about is that it takes me 4 weeks to build up strength for the next all day gastro marathon and now i gotta do it again tomorrow and that means siphoning energy reserved for other stuff . . . ..which I can't afford ....my energy reserves have been depleted.
No, lizbo, you're not alone. Sometimes it's pretty darn hard to find the silver lining in all of this.
And, yeah, i got through it, today, but what's scary is I don't know if I will the next time. My confidence is non-existent now.
wyn
Is it really Youuuuuuu?
Lizbo,
Ya know, I've been trying my best to stay positive but as Deb said, it really does feel like one is entombed . . .within yourself.
Everything is such a big friggin deal. I figured out that one of the things I'm furious about is that it takes me 4 weeks to build up strength for the next all day gastro marathon and now i gotta do it again tomorrow and that means siphoning energy reserved for other stuff . . . ..which I can't afford ....my energy reserves have been depleted.
No, lizbo, you're not alone. Sometimes it's pretty darn hard to find the silver lining in all of this.
And, yeah, i got through it, today, but what's scary is I don't know if I will the next time. My confidence is non-existent now.
wyn
here ya go! take a peek... Try to stay cool, Ice tea (decaffeinated), Mug Root beer (no caffeine) and if all else fails milk. Hey, after anger and fustration comes.... I got 132 rolls of toilet paper need a roll? lol
Harvest full moon......
"There will be a full Moon in Aries Wed.-Thur. Sept.27-28, 2007 .Hot dancing! intense emotions feelings related to the home, family, mother, the body, public"
hang tough wyntre!!!!!
"There will be a full Moon in Aries Wed.-Thur. Sept.27-28, 2007 .Hot dancing! intense emotions feelings related to the home, family, mother, the body, public"
hang tough wyntre!!!!!
you will do it the next time. you always do.
i've never seen you not do so.
have faith in that.
i've never seen you not do so.
have faith in that.
I know what you mean about the drive. Both of my liver guys are at least 2 hrs away from me. My regular gastroenterologist is 2 to 2-1/2 hrs to the west of me and for a specialist center/studies type of place, that's 3 to 3-1/2 hrs north of me. It wipes me out whenever I make these trips. But, there's nobody in my county that has even a clue about how to deal with someone like me (who has been a chronic non-responder) with Hep C. All of the gastro's around here are used to just treating once and that's it, they don't even want to follow you or anything. The last gastro I went to on a new pt. visit in this county, sent in his PA-after talking to her-never even walked into the room to introduce himself. Basically, just told her to tell me-there's nothing we can do for you-no over for even a follow-up appt., is that poor or what? Anyhow, I'm feeling depressed myself today. I know I need to be on an Anti-D, but I've never had any luck with them. But, on the other hand, I'm really not functional. I'm unable to work, rarely even get dressed by 11 or 12 every day. This is pathetic. I need to do something soon, to change this situation. And I'm not even on treatment. I've been off of treatment for the past 11 weeks. As far as changing a tire, that's not something that I'm able to accomplish. I did sign up for AAA and I have been having a cell phone (only because my husband pays the bill-he has me on his plan). But, remembering to keep it charged up is my problem. Anyway, I totally understand....
Susan
Susan
are you kidding me??? 1600mg of RIBA! at 167lbs! That is the highest mg I've seen on this board. You are a true Worrier!
jasper
jasper
Now THAT's what I'm talkin about. Gorgeous. looks like a giant snow shark.
How about the last pic of cumulous clouds over a mountain . . . where was that?
Love those pics. Just wish I could enlarge them.
Pro - of course - Harvest Moon. Tomorrow, too? Maybe I should reschedule for next week.
deb,
i excel in going through the motions, always have, it's the soul-shattering shards that are causing the uncharacteristic loss of confidence.
For the first time in 10 months i attended a public function on Sunday. it was an auction of local artists works. I just watched and as I sat there it felt like all those people were so confident, so sure of themselves, so oriented, directed and i remeber that I must have been like that at one time but now it's a complete mystery to me.....
wyn
How about the last pic of cumulous clouds over a mountain . . . where was that?
Love those pics. Just wish I could enlarge them.
Pro - of course - Harvest Moon. Tomorrow, too? Maybe I should reschedule for next week.
deb,
i excel in going through the motions, always have, it's the soul-shattering shards that are causing the uncharacteristic loss of confidence.
For the first time in 10 months i attended a public function on Sunday. it was an auction of local artists works. I just watched and as I sat there it felt like all those people were so confident, so sure of themselves, so oriented, directed and i remeber that I must have been like that at one time but now it's a complete mystery to me.....
wyn
What a terrible ordeal for you. I'm so glad you are O.K. and everything worked out. I know exactly how you feel. I got in 2 auto accidents on tx. They were both minor, the last one was just a little scrape. But I know the feeling of helplessness. Riba made me feel very vunerable. I had terrible trouble making a financial decision and had to return many purchases. I'm improving since tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I stopped tx. But the M.D. wants to talk to me about my Dexa scan results for osteoporosis. This is life. There's always a new challenge and we just keep on doing our best.
Oh, wyntre. I thought you were having problems. You lose your sense of self but it will return, all of you will come back. I did.
I didn't drive the whole time during tx. I felt like an alien in public.
I couldn't think about cooking.
I couldn't keep focused enough to do anything much let alone anything creative.
Washing my hair felt like a big accomplishment.
Tx effects our hormones. Our bodies are weakened as they deal with the intensity of the medicines we take.
Honestly, coming off tx was like coming out of a deep long funnel. Everything opened up. My peripheral vision returned!
You are marking time now. And the parts of you that are resting, will come bounding back. Really.
BTW: I think those are kestrels fluttering over the grass.
And, very oddly, a few weeks ago we saw a flock of white pelicans flying overhead.
They aren't supposed to be around here, only the brown ones.
Eat a bagel for me, please!!! OH
I didn't drive the whole time during tx. I felt like an alien in public.
I couldn't think about cooking.
I couldn't keep focused enough to do anything much let alone anything creative.
Washing my hair felt like a big accomplishment.
Tx effects our hormones. Our bodies are weakened as they deal with the intensity of the medicines we take.
Honestly, coming off tx was like coming out of a deep long funnel. Everything opened up. My peripheral vision returned!
You are marking time now. And the parts of you that are resting, will come bounding back. Really.
BTW: I think those are kestrels fluttering over the grass.
And, very oddly, a few weeks ago we saw a flock of white pelicans flying overhead.
They aren't supposed to be around here, only the brown ones.
Eat a bagel for me, please!!! OH
Should've took some apples. No, wait. That's already been done... Seriously, you've put 10 months into this journey and thats a feat in itself. You've proven your strength and resolve these past months and thats alot to say for someone. There are people who couldn't have done half of what you've gone through so far. I wish it was easy but it's not. It's not fun, it's not enjoyable, it's not pleasant, it's nothing that we look forward to. But it's necessary. We commited when we started. Some of us not really knowing what we were getting into (me for one). Hell, my doctor told me the sx only last the first week and dummy me believed him. In my diary for my 5th week my entry reads "I think the doctor is full of s#*t. I feel like an old man." It was shortly after that when I found this forum and you know the rest of the story. Long story short, stay the course. Don't let the bad luck or bad days deter you from your goal. You're going to make it Wyn. And when you do, the bad parts will fade into obscurity, but your triumph over this will be an inspiration for all those that follow.
Your pain and suffering is their pain and suffering but, when it's all over and done with, your strength will become their strength and your resolve will be their resolve.
Your pain and suffering is their pain and suffering but, when it's all over and done with, your strength will become their strength and your resolve will be their resolve.
It means a lot to me to get such authentic heartfelt responses.
I'm gonna keep going coz i'm a stubborn little b*tch and i get pissed off when I think something's beating me.
But it's fantastic to have a place to come to and confess my weakness. Then I read everyone's advice, stories, strategies, I breathe in your life, your energy, your spirit and I take a little bit away with me so i can jump-start the next trick - like the 5 hour RT marathon tomorrow.
Hawke - i have a great kestrel pic - will email it tomorrow. white pelicans. cooooool
grandma.
what a great line. "This is life There is alwaya a new challenge and we just keep doing in our best.
Teuf,
Funny. today that's exactly what i was thinking. there's NOTHING fun about this (except forum).
Making contact with fellow fighters is the only thing that makes this bearable.
thanks everyon,e
wyntre
I'm gonna keep going coz i'm a stubborn little b*tch and i get pissed off when I think something's beating me.
But it's fantastic to have a place to come to and confess my weakness. Then I read everyone's advice, stories, strategies, I breathe in your life, your energy, your spirit and I take a little bit away with me so i can jump-start the next trick - like the 5 hour RT marathon tomorrow.
Hawke - i have a great kestrel pic - will email it tomorrow. white pelicans. cooooool
grandma.
what a great line. "This is life There is alwaya a new challenge and we just keep doing in our best.
Teuf,
Funny. today that's exactly what i was thinking. there's NOTHING fun about this (except forum).
Making contact with fellow fighters is the only thing that makes this bearable.
thanks everyon,e
wyntre
wyntre - I feel so bad for you. I truly understand. This tx drains the very life out of us. But you are almost there. Everyone here will help. I am still not back from tx land yet so I still have those same feelings you do. I was never a weepy women but now it doesn't take much. You will make it and smile like I did after swallowing that last Riba!!!!!
Orphanedhawk - Its only been 5 days since I finished - liver dr told me will take a month till I start to feel better. Hiw long was it for you.
Orphanedhawk - Its only been 5 days since I finished - liver dr told me will take a month till I start to feel better. Hiw long was it for you.
There's one aspect of this journey that's really fascinating. Watching ourselves turn into people we no longer recognize, trying to have faith that the real you or even better the improved version will pop up.
Don't feel sorry for me. I just need to express myself to people who understand.
I've always been very active, a doer in life . . this other role is a poor fit. Maybe that's the lesson?
good luck with draining the poison outta your body!
wyn
Don't feel sorry for me. I just need to express myself to people who understand.
I've always been very active, a doer in life . . this other role is a poor fit. Maybe that's the lesson?
good luck with draining the poison outta your body!
wyn
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