that was great....you made me laugh today...thanks i needed that
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Moral: Old men can still think fast
Subject: Great Italian Sex
The Jewish man said, 'Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat),we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!'
The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes!'
The Italian man said, 'Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!'
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, 'What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?'
The Italian man said, 'I wiped my hands on the bedspread.'
I apologize in advance..
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."
Needless to say my wife didn't find this punch line amusing
A bad day
I rear-ended a car this morning.
I tell you, I knew right then and there, that it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, then, which one ARE you?"
That's how the fight started.
I called the suicide hotline last week
The person on the other end was Arab
I told him I was feeling suicidal and needed help
He said "Great! I have a truck you can drive."
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.
Snow White relents and says "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around." Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.
Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?
That's easy ... Seven-Up!
FL Gator... never mind... I won't ask who threw the first punch and wear it landed.
Whoops! Sorry, about the last line there. Thought you were male, and just checked your profile - you're a girl! my BAD, madam!
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneez es, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. . .
"You just happened to catch my eye."
thanks for the good laughs...
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but
here is one: Yes, it is true, I am sending a joke that is very funny
and does not contain a single dirty word.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A
small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
birch, Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch? The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the little sapling. The birch says,
Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever put my ****** in.
Wipe that smile off your face!!!
They were all great, Nice way top start my day!
Three football fans were out for a ride when one noticed a foot
sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and
discovered a nude female, dead drunk.
Out of respect and propriety, the Eagles fan took off his cap and
placed it over her right breast.
The Giants fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.
Following their lead, but with some grumbling, the Dallas Cowboy fan
took off his cap and placed it over her girly part.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his
inspection. First, he lifted up the Eagles cap, replaced it, and wrote
down some notes.
Next, he lifted the Giants cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more
The officer then lifted the Cowboys cap, replaced it, then lifted it
again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last
time. The Cowboys fan was becoming annoyed and finally asked, 'What are
you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking,
lifting and looking?
'Well,' said the officer, 'I am simply surprised. Normally when I
look under a Dallas Cowboys hat, I find an a$$hole.
LET THE FOOTBALL SEASON BEGIN!!!
A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little
boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said , 'I can't get this mower to start.'
The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'
The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'
The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.
Maybe this isn't a joke technically, but this JibJAb (if you haven't already seen it) is pretty funny!
Maybe not a joke but funny and true
Well, if you can't laugh at the election process, what can you laugh at? Thanks for the jokes. Keep it up - they really brighten things up. Hope you are well in NJ. Get a "slice" for me. :-)
One morning John pinched his wife's bottom and said "if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle". Betsy bit her tongue.
The next morning John pinched Betsy's breast and said "if you firmed these up we could get rid on your bra".
Betsy reached over and pinched John's penis and said "if you firmed this up we could get rid of the pool man, the yard man and your Brother".
Will I live to see 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
''Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, > 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun?
'No, I don' t,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sexual partners?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a sh*t?
A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her,
"Er... excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice :
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.
The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says,
"You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly with,
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND RUPEES. FOR ONE NIGHT ? ! THATS TOO MUCH !"
That hits a little too close to home! There is truth in jest. :-)
I think spring's was awesome!!! LMAO!
I also love all these jokes...
I now have fodder for work... LMAO!