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Asymptomatic 30 years dating man whose had at least 50 partner

I am a senior citizen and was diagnosed as a teen with herpes not sure if 1 or 2. i had several outbreaks as a young woman but all were at least 20 years ago, nonene recently. I was married for 25 years and never gave it to my husband, that I know of. I am divorced and have had one sexual partner for the last two years. After my divorce my ex husband was very abusive about me having had herpes. in fact, he was so low as to tell my teen age daughter about it. it  i did it the right way with my x and told him before we were sexual.he held it against me and criticized me about it a lot.. etc.

fast foward.. when i met the person i am dating he wanted to have sex so quickly that i honestly didn't tell him. he bragged about how many women he had sex with and stated during a very active time had sex with over 20 people in a year.. he has been with countless lovers over the years. I assummed, given the statistics that he had to have a dormant herpes as well. with all those partners no idea how he would not.

we are monogomus and i have always justified this with he probably has it too. now that we have dated so long i truly love him and want him to know however i have not told him and have had sex with him hundreds of times. what to do now? how likely is it he has it himself? he said his sex was unprotected many times, back in the 70-80 and 90s. he said he is regularly tested for stds and has none. not sure if this means herpes too. feel stuck and yucky about myself. help
2 Responses
Avatar universal
Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear of your experiences with partners' responses to your past herpes. Stories like this unfortunately are common, although probably less so now than in past years, with improved knowledge about herpes both among medical professionals and sexually active persons. In any case, I'm glad you're now with an understanding guy. Congratulations on your current success in romance!

You probably had HSV2; genital HSV1 doesn't usually cause the frequent outbreaks you had when you were young. Most people with HSV2 do have declining outbreaks over the years, so your experience is typical. But it doesn't mean your infection is gone, and it is likely you still have periods of viral shedding, i.e. times when you are infectious for a partner without symptoms. But I would guess it's pretty infrequent, which explains why your husband apparently never caught it. (Although it's possible he did, just didn't have symptoms.)

As for your current partner, it wouldn't be surprising if he has HSV2 himself, given his past sexual lifestyle. If so, he is immune to a new infection with it. In other words, if both of you have HSV2, neither of you is at risk of catching it again from one another. Alternatively, he may not have HSV2, and you just don't shed virus very often or in amounts necessary for transmission.

What to do now? Discuss with your partner and decide together whether you should both have blood tests for HSV2 (or both HSV1 and 2). That would tell who is infected with which virus, and therefore who is susceptible or immune to the other's infection. Alternatively, with no symptoms in either of you after "hundreds" of sexual encounters, you may decide to just carry on without further worry. As for other STDs, since you're currently monogamous and his wilder lifestyle is in the distant past, it is extremely unlikely he is carrying any active STDs at this time, with the possible exception of asympomtic herpes as just discussed.

I hope this has helped. Good luck!
Avatar universal
And it goes without saying, I hope, that there is absolutely no rational basis for you to "feel stuck and yucky about myself." This is pretty obviously an emotional reaction to the horrible treatment you received from past partners. It has nothing to do with you as a person or, really, your herpes. But if you can't shake those feelings, you would be wise to consider professional counseling about it.
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