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Avatar universal

Cant forgive myself!!!!!!!!!!

WOW! I am a 40 year old woman and I know better.  I have contracted HSV 1 orally and genitally from a man I met.  I hate myself. I asked him if he had any diseases we talked about this over and over.  Well, as time progressed I decided to quit being so anal (no pun intended) and let my hair down for once.  This gentelman is divorced and raising his 3 kids on his own.  I thought he had great values and maybe we could build something together.  Let me tell you a little about me.  I am very reserved I really didnt like sex in my past I thought it was due to the fact that I didnt trust men (yes i have been hurt).  So I said I need to live I need to be happy.  Oh well I am really sad and angry now.  He perfomed oral sex on me.  He showed no visible signs of Blisters or lesions.  Well a couple of weeks later I got a little bump on my lip.  My History (I was HSV 1 and HSV 2 negative prior to our escapade)  So you guessed it I felt tingling on my lip.  I started researching and I called him I questioned him again he continued to deny.  Then he said, oh well, yeah I had cold sores when I was a kid. OMG!!!!! Are u kidding me jerk ,that is herpes.  Well people because I never had the virus I got it orally and vaginally from him that night.  I was devasted I went to get tested it came back positive for HSV 1   well no one needed to tell me but I also realized it was vaginally.  I truly know my body and the red vulva and irritation made it clear that it was genital as well. I wanted to kill him.  I called him everything but a child of God.  Well we ended before I discovered this and now I never want to see him again.  I am affraid I will punch the mess out of him.  I have a son and to realize I can never kiss him again at night.  This guy has taken so much from me,  I work with the pubic this just doesnt work for me and my life style.  Now I have all these bills not to mention the humiliation and price for valtrex.  I am thinking about getting Valtrex.  Why me Jesus, I am mad,  Oh did I tell you I am meeting a Psychiatrist this week. I am stressed and want to die,so I think it best I seek a professional to get help.  More bills.  I hate this guy.  Then he says his kids and parents get cold sores.... herpes jerk.just say it.  I can never forgive myself for trusting I wish I would not have listened to all my friends saying live, trust, you cant live that way.  I was much better off not living and not trusting and HSV 1 and HSV 2 Negative.  This is a mess.  .      
20 Responses
Avatar universal
ME  TOO I WENT CRAZY. ITS RENTMAN BY THE WAY. I have been married 20 years and was clean 1 and 2.  Got divorced wanted to live a little but I was scared.I was with 2 girls in 2 years. With one I made a mistake but I came back clean for 2 years.

My new girlfriend is no symptoms but I do not know if her blood test is ok. My best guess is she gve me hsv 1 oral. She must be one of those no symptoms people. She is a beautiful blonde supermodel looking girl. She said she has no diseases. So I felt safe, plus she was the most beautiful woman I have ever been with. (I only been with 3 and I am 41)   Childhood sweethearts 20 yrs with same woman in case your wondering.)

My point is this sucks !  Everone I guess has to live with something. Please be ok . They willcure this soon. Hopefully it is not bad for you. Hang in there.  Harvard university has something brewing with possible cure for herpes in guine pigs hopefully we are close. Hang in there you and I have kids on this earth that need us.

rentman
kenny
Avatar universal
Hi.

I understand how you feel, but orally, there is almost no stigma to it.  I have had cold sores since I was a young teenager, possibly even before that.  One thing you will notice is the feeling of one coming on, after a while.  

I used to get them anywhere from 3-5 times a year, depending on how run down I was.  During some stressful periods over the last few years, I got them almost non-stop at certain times.  One would start to disappear and another would show up.  That never happened to me in my life.

So, I started suppressive therapy and I have lived pretty symptom free ever since.  There are times where I thought I may have been having an outbreak, but either the Valtrex suppressed it or severely minimized what was happening.

Just so you know, I kiss my child all the time, but not on the lips or eyes, of course, as a precautionary measure.
Avatar universal
I hope Grace will post and shed even more light on this one... but really what you are saying is really extreme.  Most adults over 40 have been exposed to the HSV virus.  So almost all adults you will ever meet "might" have this virus already.  Like 50 to 60%!  So unless u plan on never kissing an adult ever again, you better re think your HSV theory.  
Avatar universal
i was married for almost 20 years and neither of us had it.  i am now single and i just got it and i am devasted,  i never want to wake up with blisters on me. i just dont need it.  also alot of illnesses are connected to hsv.  i am getting a runny nose tonight and i work with the public i need to cancel my work for tomorrow because i am getting a cold.  i never get sick.
657020 tn?1238041118
Hsv is INCREDIBLY common, most people DO have it orally, but the vast majority never experiences symptoms. So it's not so odd for someone to be unaware that they have hsv and to brush off a blister as a "cold sore." Most people just don't know that a cold sore is not caused by having a cold or the flu but just the immune system being a little rundown and unable to keep the virus in check. Everything IS going to be okay :) And from everything I have read, having hsv1 vaginally is MUCH less extreme than having hsv2 vaginally. I mean really, who thinks to ask a partner if ever they've had a cold sore in their life? Consider this, everyone with hsv experiences a period of viral shedding with or without symptoms which marks the virus as being contagious. I believe the period is 2-4 days a year ? (Don't quote me on it and anyone feel free to correct me here) just think of how often hsv is contracted and because of the absence of symptoms, people just aren't aware. I agree that the stigma associated with oral hsv simply isn't extreme because of how common the virus is. Try to forgive him and ask yourself if this man truly meant to cause you harm. Remember that the forgiveness isn't for him, it's for you :) What's done is done, learn all you can about the virus and do all you can to lessen the severity of your symptoms. You WILL forgive yourself, it's not the end of the world. And everything WILL be okay :) You are one of the few who did not contract the virus as a child. What were you supposed to do? Stay away from all men? You could have just as easily gotten hsv from a man who'd never had a cold sore in his life. Don't persecute yourself for taking a chance with a nice man you happened to be interested in :)
Avatar universal
Well said Amanda!!
Avatar universal
i commend all of you who can accept this awful virus.  my vulva is red and through my reading i am pretty sure i have  vulvodynia from this hsv 1 genital.  i read alot and i study as much as i can.  can some of you tell me how to deal with that since its gonna be ok. this may never go away symptom wise. i am having difficulty exercising and wearing pants.  although i never want to have sex again but with vulvodynia you can forget sex, the friction is just more than one can bear.  listen i understand all the you need to be positive stuff but when people do not tell the truth they do not realize how they will impact a persons life health wise.  i get pap smears regularly.  now i have a higher risk of cervical cancer.  I do believe this raises the risk.  This is just not o.k. with me and my body.  he knew he had herpes he should have been honest.  i find now that i have it and ask others about it these people lie and say nothing then say i had cold sores as a child believe me they know its herpes.  how could you not.  i did not study medicine i was so far from that in college and i know.  he is not a good man.  i stated we talked about diseses over and over and he never admitted he had cold sores he did it intentionally.  why when i tested positive he knew to say oh ok yes i had that before. people like him should be charged with a crime this is horrible now i may have alzheimers and bells palsy (this is linked to those diseases) because this jerk is a liar (sorry about my spelling) yes i am mad as i dont know what.  my skin is irritated now i am having vulva pain.  look up vulvodynia and see what that is like.  I have demanded he pay my medical bills for life .  I will make his life a living hell just like mine if he even thinks about refusing.  I admire your attitude but i am not there and i dont know if i ever will be there.
Avatar universal
First and foremost, get tested.  The hard part is waiting out the timeframe.  A herpeselect immunoblot at 4 weeks had me as HSV-1 positive and HSV-2 negative.  However, it is recommended that you wait 16 weeks for definitive testing.  I'm getting tested again next week and I'll only be at 7 weeks.  I NEED to see that I'm not HSV-2 positive, especially since my exposure was oral (and oral is USUALLY HSV-1).  

You can use sites like stdweb.com or others for finding clinics in your area if you'd rather not see your own doctor.  Also, ignore any herpes IgM testing, as those tests generally flip-flop with results in adults.  Elisa, immunoblot, Western blot tests are all based on IgG testing, which are permanent antibodies.  The Western Blot has the best reputation as far as reliability, but HerpeSelect and Immunoblot are good also.
101028 tn?1419606604
you need to go and be seen and get some proper testing done.  Odds are you did not contract vulvodynia from hsv1 genitally. I'm guessing you don't even have hsv1 genitally to be honest. It tends to present with very obvious and classic symptoms, not just redness and irritation.  go and get a full exam done and get tested for yeast and bacterial infections vaginally.  also no, hsv genitally does not increase your risk of cervical cancer. wherever you read that, that's very outdated info.

http://www.ashastd.org/herpes/herpes_learn_oralherpes.cfm is a good website for more info on your hsv1 oral infection that at this point we presume you have.  It's a very down to earth realistic website as far as how to handle having hsv1 orally in your day to day life. You certainly do not have to completely stop kissing your child or anything like that. When you have active cold sores don't but the risk of transmitting to your son, as long as he isn't an infant is very low in general with just taking the common sense precautions outlined in the reputable website I listed. to be honest, at your age 60% of adults has hsv1 orally.  

Statistically 1 out of every 2-3 adults in the US alone has hsv1 orally. It's incredibly common . I hope once you start talking to the therapist this week, they help you calm down and control your anxiety about the situation so that you can get back to living life in the fullest .  Right now you are angry and your anger isn't really serving you much good from the sounds of it.  

If your insurance doesn't make valtrex more affordable, ask your doctor to prescribe acyclovir instead. It's way cheaper!  You really only have to take it when you have obvious cold sores ( or feel one about to start ). You can do that for as little as $4 for each cold sore if you fill your prescriptions at walmart or a similar pharmacy even without insurance. If you do have insurance, valtrex will be going generic next month so you'll be able to get it even cheaper then.

keep asking questions as you have them :)

grace
657020 tn?1238041118
I was also curious about your concern for an increased risk of cervical cancer. I am thinking you are referring to simply an increased risk of std transmission, hpv in particular. Hpv is actually more common than hsv genitally, and most people DO contract at least one (but even multiple) strain(s) of the virus in their lifetime. It is basically just a way of life. Chances are, you've had hpv for years unaware. Because the immune system rushes to fight the virus into dormancy, so for most the virus basically goes right into dormancy without ever causing symptoms or complications. Acquiring cervical cancer as a result of hpv infection is uncommon and cervical cancer is, as a general rule, a very slow process. There are many stages between healthy cells and cancerous cells as a result of hpv infection and even if cervical dysplasia develops, there is a lot a woman can do to reverse the dysplasia. Try not to overact with things you read on the internet. Your emotions will steady and everything WILL be fine :)
Avatar universal
let me give you a little history. tested for hiv. chlamydia. gonno. syph. and hsv 2. and all were negative. hsv 1 igg came back positive. did not do the vaginal swab i just felt it was there also. i did not want to humiliate myself so i figured it was there as well.  the day i contracted hsv1 the guy performed oral sex on me so i am pretty sure its in both places.  now 20 years ago i had veneral warts hpv and chlamydia.  all was treated... the warts were treated and never returned.  i did suffer from vulvodynia a couple of years after i was treated.... from the hpv i am sure.  somehow it just went away.  so we are 16 years later i had this experience (hsv 1 )and now again the vulvodynia.  do you think this was stimulated again since i now have a new virus.  i know hpv is with you for life but since hsv 1 i now have vulvodynia again. i got valtrex today but i havent filled it.  i think i am one of those people who may never outbreak again but i am wondering if the old hpv or the new hsv 1 has kicked in the vulvodynia again.  i am not sure if i am having hsv 1 irritations on the vulvar near the labia majora or if this is the vulvodynia. i know what vulvodynia looks like and one day its mild and then it gets inflammed the next day.  i know 20 years ago the doctor did not have a clue what to do with me. it just went away after a while. oh but it was miserable.  this is nothing compared to that.  this is much milder.      
Avatar universal
what does the score mean igg 5.0 hsv 1 positive
or igg hsv 1 6.78 positive
what if you are 0.87 do u still have it and it is just not active or what... they say this is negative but shouldnt it be zero if you do not have it.  can you tell how old or new an infection is.
Avatar universal
HSV tests are strange.  There's low positives, confirmed positives, etc. I'll let Grace give you a better answer.

I need Monday to get here.  I'm having both an HSV-2 test (for which Labcorp suggests they MIGHT do a Western blot), but I'm also having a type-specific Immunoblot again.  I already know I'm HSV-1 positive, but I want 2 tests checking me for HSV-2.  OCD much?  Yes, apparently now I do.
Avatar universal
I'd also like to give you a little hope, though this is nowhere near being released.  It's still in the research phase.

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1819739,00.html?xid=feed-cnn-topics

Duke University is working on a way to force HSV1 (and, potentially, HSV2) out of a latent state.  By doing so, a person would have one final out break - potentially bad, since all latent versions of the virus will come out to play - but with acyclovir (or valacyclovir), the remaining viral pool would finally be destroyed.

I have decided to start sending them a small monthly or bi-monthly donation.  I realize there's no guarantee this will work, but I'll take the gamble.  It'd be a better win than the lottery.
Avatar universal
Understanding your frustration and anger taken out on that man. Yes he is a jerk. Yes he is a loser. Yes he is everything you said about him.

But what all isn't lost. You still have your son. You will still get to see him grow up. See him go to prom. Go to college. Graduate and hopefully find a loving partner and eventually you'll have your hands full of grandkids to worry about.

At your age, nothing against anything about women in 30s-50s etc, you have enjoyed a good life since then, why stop now? Sure it might be lonely without a partner. Sure it might be tough being single and having to raise a kid. But you still have your job/career, your son, a place over your head, and a meal everyday at the dinner table.

We all live on the system of trust. But sometimes trust backfires. Some might have it easier than others, some might have it really hard.

For you as a young having the courage to raising your son by yourself is already an extreme accomplish. You've got this under control.
101028 tn?1419606604
So when in relation to the appearance of your cold sore/the encounter in question, did you have your hsv igg blood testing done?

You had vulvodynia before. It's not unusual for it to reoccur as you know. Many things can cause it to reoccur like vaginitis, stress, too tight clothing, detergents etc.  If you haven't had a full gyn exam done since this all started, definitely go and get one done.  You are still making a lot of assumptions about your genital area from this encounter from what it sounds like.

You will never get a 0 on a herpes blood test. The way they do the test you will always get a numeric result.

Your external genital warts you had 20 years ago, statistically were "cleared" from your body at least 18 years ago. About 92% of folks with hpv clear it on their own within 2 years.  Anything that happened years later, is'nt likely to be due to the hpv that caused the obvious warts.  ( by cleared we mean that it isn't detectable with any of the tests we have available today - whether it's completely gone from the body we don't know but we assume it is ).

grace


Avatar universal
so everyone has the virus,,,? if no one gets zero...? it just needs to be ignited so to speak.????  I am trying to unsderstand why no one gets zeros if they do not have it.  the gentelman i got this from said his daughter is a biology major and she said everyone has it we are all born with it.  that did not make any sense to me.  l did an igg blod test and it came back positive for hsv 1.  since then i have been having problems in my genitals.  i will look into it soon i guess. when this hsv 1 thing calms down.  i was just infected and my nerves are all over the place.  i really believe i have hsv 1 genitally why else would i be experiencing this vulvodynia again.  can a person  have hsv 1 orally and it affect the person genitally (vulvodynia). in my case its been gone 16 years and why would it just reappear.  something stimulated it again.  This is why i feel i have hsv 1 genitally because the vulvodynia kicked in again.  makes sense to me.I cant see why i need to subject myself to a gyno exam only to be told yes you have hsv 1 genital now go take the valtrex i gave you for your oral hsv 1 makes no sense to me.  i tested negative for every other std. who needs it.  or ok you dont have hsv 1 genitally but i still have vulvodynia and i chose not to take antibiotics at this time because i want to wait it out. its not that bad this time.  it went away before within 6 months i am hoping for the same this time or better.  so i cant see the point in going.  I think it best i spend what money i have left on a psychiatrist so i wont severly mame this jerk who gave me this.  So besides all the test, medication, sleepless nights, lost work, isolation from friends and family, and doctors appointment now i have to spend 250 for the first session with the psychiatrist and 125 each visit thereafter how is this fair.  all he had to do was tell the truth let me choose if i want this path.  but no he chose to lie and now i am paying for it. life stinks and then we die great.  i know i sound terrible but please forgive me i am devastated.  please pray for me and the jerk who gave this to me.      
101028 tn?1419606604
if it's not herpes causing your genital issues at the moment, you won't be rid of the symptoms until you find out what is causing them and get them properly treated. A history of vulvodynia means that almost anything can trigger it to reoccur. If you aren't going and getting properly examined and having basic testing done to treat whatever could be going on, you are just going to prolong the amount of time you are exposed to the irritation and the longer your nerves will be "angry" and causing you discomfort like this. It's not a matter of "subjecting" yourself to a gyn exam, it's a matter of being responsible for your health.  bv especially as well as yeast can be an issue from oral sex.  it's very easy to test for them to find out if either of them are contributing to your genital symptoms.

I asked when you were tested for herpes in relation to these symptoms appearing because if you were tested early into things and were hsv1+ on the igg, odds are that this wasn't a recently acquired hsv1 infection for you in the first place, just your first obvious recurrence of a prior one. One more reason to suspect that whatever is going on genitally is not a herpes issue too.  

go, be seen and get a proper vaginal exam done.   wouldn't it help you to let go of some of the anger you have right now that is interfering with your psychological well being if you found out that you don't even have hsv1 genitally?

grace
101028 tn?1419606604
Also no, we are all not born with herpes.  It's a viral infection that we pick up from friends and caregivers.  about 80% of us have it by the time we reach the old age home, not many of us make it thru life without picking it up.

so why not a 0 on the tests ever?  the way they do the test is to compare a solution made of your blood to a control solution.   greatly simplified, they compare the two and you get a percentage of odds that you have herpes.  so you will always get a numeric result it's just that less than a certain amount and it's negative.

grace
Avatar universal
Is it possible the gentleman in question did not understand that cold sores on the lips are herpes? Many people don't. Also, many people do not realize that you can pass on lip herpes to another person's genitals by performing oral sex even if a cold sore is not present at the time.

Also, 90% of Americans over age 50 have hsv-1. For people in their 40s that number is probably only slightly less. I doubt they refrain from kissing their kids or grandkids at night, though.

You say that he said that his "kids and parents get cold sores" and then you call him a "herpes jerk". So, your attitude is that the 80-90% of folks in your age group are herpes jerks?? Odds are as a single person in your age group you would have contracted hsv-1 from someone else anyway. Would this make them a herpes jerk?
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