How do I tell him? WHO is the carrier??

[sirena210]

I am old enough to know better and to communicate better! I had sex 2 weeks ago with a man I have been seeing off and on over the past 2 years.  It is a long distance relationship, we are both in our late 40's.  We have had sex about 5 times in the 2 years, and this relationship has been very slow starting and we are both very cautious people when it comes to sharing our feelings, both having been hurt.  He is not the best communicator in between visits, but we do text back and forth. He is the only man i have been sexual with in the last 5 years! Each time we have had sex, he has always used condoms, every time...has been very consistent and responsible.  This last time, in the heat of the moment, I suggested not using one. We had a 2 second conversation, basically that we agreed to trust each other. Now I realize how silly, especially at our ages, that was.  I am trying not to get caught up in self blame as it doesn't help anything! The point is, about a week later I noticed i was very sore on one side of my outer labia, looked, and saw a raised patch with a red ring around it. I went to Planned Parenthood, and am waiting for the culture results, but the Dr. said it looks like Herpes, and her hunch is HSV 1.  SHe also said Herpes has been given a "bad rap" in that on the pyramid of STI's, it is one that is better to get than some others..she said she is NOT downplaying the psychological impact however.  SHe said it is a very complicated situation as far as When, Who, How, etc.   I have not told the man i was with yet, I feel very confused and sad and angry at MYSELF, and him, a little...but also compassionate for both of us.  My questions:  Am I the carrier and could have gotten it years ago from someone else, and am having a first outbreak??  If so, I need to tell this man I am carrying it!!  OR, did this current man give it to me, and if so, did he KNOW he had it, or not?? If he did, should I be angry??  Maybe he is just ignorant or embarrassed about it.  Do people ever "wait" to tell someone after they have gotten to know them a little better??  He doesn't communicate with me well until we are in person, and so should i wait and tell him in person, not knowing when out next meeting will be?? Or should I write him an email if it looks like we won't be seeing each other very soon??  The last time I heard from him was on Valentine's Day when he emailed me a sweet card, one week after we had been together.  I have sent texts since then, but he hasn't responded yet, which is sometimes just how he is.  But I am getting paranoid that maybe he also got blisters and is freaked out and is avoiding me, IF i somehow gave it to HIM!!  HELP!!  I need clarity and advice from others experience!! thanks!!!

[Mistakeguy789]

As I said also you sometimes write off the symptoms because you don't think anything of it.  Bad yeast infection or something else.  When you don't worry about herpes if you have a mild outbreak you aren't going to worry about it.  Some people do have a mild outbreak.  If people don't know what to look for they don't think they have HSV.  When you get an outbreak that is more severe which does happen sometimes you start to think of it and get it checked.

Blood testing is diffcult because each person is different.  Some people build up antibodies faster and by 2 weeks will test positive.  So there is no way you would know if you had this a while or if it is new.  If you got a negative test now it could mean you didn't have it or that the test missed it.  

Men are more likely to transmit the virus than women.  

If you got herpes from him then you could say he already knows.  But something to remember is that not every encounter will lead to transmission.  It can happen but not all the time.  Your partner himself should get tested to know his own status.  Though if he is hard at communicating with then you may have to slap him around.

[sirena210]

Thanks Mistakeguy!! He is VERY hard to communicate with at times...except in person, then it's much better....I am torn about trying to call him and leaving a message saying I gotta talk to him about something, and it's a bit awkward, or waiting until we get together the next time...and I don't know when that will be.  you see, he and I have opposite schedules and live over 3 hours apart...and he works 12 all night shifts, and overtime..so doesn't answer his phone much!!  Anyway, you're right....I need to slap him around when I have access to him next!!  LOL!  I needed a laugh, thanks again!

[gracefromHHP]

it doesn't take 3 months to develop detectable antibiodies - in fact about 1/2 of folks get + igg results just 2-3 weeks into being infected. You testing + at this point wouldn't be worthwhile as to figuring out who had it first. We recommend waiting 3 or 4 months to test because by that point, the majority of people infected with herpes have seroconverted for their infections to be detected on the herpes igg blood tests we currently use.

honey I work 12 hour nights and I find the time to stop in here and help folks every single day.  I might not answer my phone while I'm sleeping or at work but I do get back to folks who call  as well as I make the time to talk to my children and my bf every single day as well as I keep in touch with my friends regularly too.  don't make excuses for him - remind him that you are supposed to be an important part of his life so he should act like it!    this is something important to you and he needs to acknowledge that and should be supporting you while you are going through this.

[sirena210]

Thanks Grace, I guess I do make excuses for him, and thanks for the reality check! He is an odd guy when it comes to communication, but you're right, this is important to me. It's just awkward, because it's a relatively new relationship...telling him is going to be awkward at best...and I am more than a little nervous about it! I really want to have this talk in person, and so I am torn between trying to arrange us getting together soon, and not telling him until then...OR do I try to call him and tell him that way. How long can this wait?? I know it's a very personal decision, but I would appreciate your very honest opinion!

And thank you for the energy you give this when you are working 12 hour nights!!! It can't be easy, and you are very generous!

[gracefromHHP]

you can wait as long as you want as long as it's before the next time you have sex. it won't get easier to talk about the longer you wait and you'll get faster answers if you do it sooner rather than later so that he can pursue testing to see what his own status is.  also there is the whole trust issue with a long distance relationship like this too. Probably far less suspicion on his part if you talk to him as soon as you can I would think so he knows you didn't make any effort to "hide" any of this. I know that's my expectation of my partner - tell me and tell me early so we can deal with it.

I subscribe to the theory as warren zevon - I"ll sleep when I"m dead :)  you get a lot more done that way!!!!  

[sirena210]

Love the quote..!!  But with that philosophy I'm guessing you can't be more than 35 years old?? :) none of my business, just wondering...and envious of
your stamina!   I like your advice and am sending him an email today to ask about getting together this weekend...if that isn't good for him, I will then try to call him, leave a msg that i have to talk about something...

Another question plaguing me:  IS it possible that 2 people can have first outbreaks after having sex, at the same time?? what I mean is, I guess I am still terrified that I may have given it to him, and he's not contacting  me because he developed blisters at the same time I did, and is angry  at me??  even though my gut says its more likely I got it from him!   Maybe I'm in denial about me being infected and maybe i "should" be upset if he infected me???   yes, the long distance has built trust issues....one of the first things he asked me after not seeing me for months (i tried, but he was too busy with work and family stress) was whether or not i had been with anyone else? he asked it in a coy way, kind of shyly, smiling and kind of teasing, but I could tell he was really wanting to know...he said he hadn't, that he had been devoted to his job.  
I guess I hope he knows me well enough to know i wouldn't want to "hide" this, but that maybe i would have to build up the courage to tell him!