Will never tell anyone again... feel like a leper

[heather987]

I've had HSV-2 for years. Haven't slept with a lot of men, and still in contact with some of those I've been with after I got it (I had told them all, and although they weren't thrilled about it, they were all understanding and we went on to have great long-term relationships). They've tested negative since then, so I didn't give it to any of them despite being stupid and not using protection (never did it during an outbreak though).

I met someone 2 months ago and we really hit it off. 6 weeks in I told him and he freaked. Now he's avoiding me. He's been sick with fever, sore throat, and sinus congestion for several weeks and thinks it's herpes (I think it's mono, which I did not give him). He has other health problems and says he doesn't need to worry about another one. He's not angry, just standoffish and cold. How does one go from telling me how much he misses me and can't wait to see me and how great we are together... to ending it so abruptly?

This is the first time anyone has freaked out like this. He's not upset that I didn't tell him sooner, just freaked out that I have it at all and that he could catch it. I understand that, but I'm so disappointed that he's totally written me off and went from hot to cold in a day.

This is why a lot of people don't disclose it. I have several friends who are married and told me I was stupid for telling him. Next time I will take their advice. I'll never tell anyone again. I'm so upset about this.

[gracefromHHP]

better you found that out sooner rather than later!!!

[heather987]

Turns out that the guy was a commitment-phobic jerk, and my admission of herpes was just the excuse he needed to get out. He admitted that he would have left anyway because he "gets bored" in relationships. What an a**!

[gracefromHHP]

Have you let your gf's know that you need a girls night out?  sounds like you are able to lean on them for support which is always a good thing :)

[heather987]

I know, you're right. Sorry, I'm just upset. All in all, I know I did the right thing and I would do it again. I'm not responsible for how someone reacts. I'm just disappointed right now!

[gracefromHHP]

your friends who told you you were stupid for telling him, were stupid for telling you that!!  I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot and they had someone not tell them that they had it and they found out, they would go through the roof and be really angry at that person.  It's being sexually responsible to discuss your testing, your partner's testing and also anything you know you have had in the past together.   Also if you know you have herpes and don't discuss it with a partner and they contract herpes from you, they can take you to court and it's just not worth it. It's also a big trust issue for most folks. You'll never have anyone tell you that they wish you hadn't been honest with them and talked about your herpes and what precautions you were willing to take to protect them. Most folks appreciate the honesty and as you already know, most relationships do go on to be successful and end for reasons that have nothing to do with herpes.  From the been there done that files, trust me when I say if you think it's hard to discuss prior to having sex with someone, it's even harder to look them in the face and tell them that you knew you had herpes before they ended up with it.  Learned that lesson over 20 years ago and never repeated that one.

Not everyone will take the time to learn more about herpes. There will be people in your life who have a knee jerk reaction to hearing that you have herpes and will decide not to pursue a relationship with you.  This man has done that.  He's been honest with you about his feelings so as hard as it is, time to cut your losses and move on to someone who is willing to take the small risk of contracting hsv2 from you and does want to be with you and spend time with you. Heartache is hard no matter what the cause!  

grace