Aa
Need some advice - ideas from others
I read some posts here and see that there is some very good information to go through. Thank you all for helping.
My wife and I have been together for 13 years Married 9 years. Two children hers, we had two of our own. Due to the economic downturn and job loss I had to take a job overseas without family.
She found out 2.5 months after I was gone that she needed a total hysterectomy. I wanted to be there for the surgery and a few days for recovery...unable to due to location etc.
Surgery completed and then I noticed a major change......even from a very long distance away. She was with relatives as it was safe during my 1 year absence.
We were close, not intimate, during a very brief vacation when I went home. I heard from her that she felt ok after the surgery but hormones and feelings were weird. The she mentioned she lost interest in sex (even though I was far away) which she even admitted was unusual as she was the instigator more often.
Once I got back to the overseas position there was a greater change, a hate seemed to come out. The phone calls dropped off, no mail, virtually no contact.
45 days prior to me returning to the states at the end of the contract she filed for divorce and never even talked with me about it. I did not know until paperwork was in hand 2 weeks after it was filed in the court.
I returned to the states and I am living apart from the family.
There was no communication for over 4 weeks all went through attorneys while I stood with my jaw on the ground wondering what happened. Our relationship had been good, not perfect and I had my flaws in communications. No violence, no drugs, no alcohol, very religious and family oriented.
She has a hate streak about her that I have never seen in our relationship. She was married once before and did not even hate the ex that much during her first divorce.
She states she is in couceling, on meds and they are and have been working with different meds. She apparently has anxiety, lots, and this is being thrown towards me (as the reason for the divorce).
We have been talking a lot on the phone, but when in person for short periods on exchanges for visitations she is a different person....as if a wall is up and there is no getting through it. She held my hand 5 times during different times and said she felt something comfortable.
Nothing since. I mean she does not want to talk about our relationship etc....she wants the civil divorce but not the church annulment....wants a clean slate. When asked about getting together again "within time" very positive sounding at times and others...not so at all. Will not get together for coffee, to talk about anything.
Divorce was filed 5 months after hys.
BTW complications during surgery---lost lots of blood etc.
I know what her feelings are as she wrote things down prior to me returning but there is so much hate.
She did say she has to straighten out herself first before working ont he marriage....but I am not getting the compassionate, loving communication that there once was PRIOR to the surgery.
No intimacy as I have been away...not a problem as I did my research before the surgery to know there would be a long recovery.
I guess I am looking to see if anyone can fill in opinions or such .......I never knew about divorce. Highly doubtful of infidelity, although there was contact with many friends from younger days, not in person due to distance.
Ideas .... thoughts...
I have asked if there is anything I can do to help her through this....no reply.
We are living apart, I get the kids frequently, and there are phone calls most every night between us.
I feel I want to tell her about what I have read about HYS and divorce emotional changes etc....but don't want to set off a powder keg.
My wife and I have been together for 13 years Married 9 years. Two children hers, we had two of our own. Due to the economic downturn and job loss I had to take a job overseas without family.
She found out 2.5 months after I was gone that she needed a total hysterectomy. I wanted to be there for the surgery and a few days for recovery...unable to due to location etc.
Surgery completed and then I noticed a major change......even from a very long distance away. She was with relatives as it was safe during my 1 year absence.
We were close, not intimate, during a very brief vacation when I went home. I heard from her that she felt ok after the surgery but hormones and feelings were weird. The she mentioned she lost interest in sex (even though I was far away) which she even admitted was unusual as she was the instigator more often.
Once I got back to the overseas position there was a greater change, a hate seemed to come out. The phone calls dropped off, no mail, virtually no contact.
45 days prior to me returning to the states at the end of the contract she filed for divorce and never even talked with me about it. I did not know until paperwork was in hand 2 weeks after it was filed in the court.
I returned to the states and I am living apart from the family.
There was no communication for over 4 weeks all went through attorneys while I stood with my jaw on the ground wondering what happened. Our relationship had been good, not perfect and I had my flaws in communications. No violence, no drugs, no alcohol, very religious and family oriented.
She has a hate streak about her that I have never seen in our relationship. She was married once before and did not even hate the ex that much during her first divorce.
She states she is in couceling, on meds and they are and have been working with different meds. She apparently has anxiety, lots, and this is being thrown towards me (as the reason for the divorce).
We have been talking a lot on the phone, but when in person for short periods on exchanges for visitations she is a different person....as if a wall is up and there is no getting through it. She held my hand 5 times during different times and said she felt something comfortable.
Nothing since. I mean she does not want to talk about our relationship etc....she wants the civil divorce but not the church annulment....wants a clean slate. When asked about getting together again "within time" very positive sounding at times and others...not so at all. Will not get together for coffee, to talk about anything.
Divorce was filed 5 months after hys.
BTW complications during surgery---lost lots of blood etc.
I know what her feelings are as she wrote things down prior to me returning but there is so much hate.
She did say she has to straighten out herself first before working ont he marriage....but I am not getting the compassionate, loving communication that there once was PRIOR to the surgery.
No intimacy as I have been away...not a problem as I did my research before the surgery to know there would be a long recovery.
I guess I am looking to see if anyone can fill in opinions or such .......I never knew about divorce. Highly doubtful of infidelity, although there was contact with many friends from younger days, not in person due to distance.
Ideas .... thoughts...
I have asked if there is anything I can do to help her through this....no reply.
We are living apart, I get the kids frequently, and there are phone calls most every night between us.
I feel I want to tell her about what I have read about HYS and divorce emotional changes etc....but don't want to set off a powder keg.
Hi Im so sorry for all you and your wife are going through,,,I must explain that a complete jyster plays havoic on a womans emotions/hormones...it was likely very hard on her not to have you there ( no critism,,,just a fact)
If she is not taking bio-identical hormones her symptoms scream that she needs too, sounds like a mild anti depressant for short term would not hurt either..she needs to discuss this with her DR.
I think its a bit of a rush to file for divorce she is trying to escape problems that a divorce will not solve,,,glad for the counseling...If you go to church ask you Pastor/Preist for help too.
There is a female medication that is a libido booster...must ask Dr.
Cheers
Cherie we have a wonderful divorce forum if you think that may help with some issues.
please feel free to pm me Im recently divorced had a full hyster so I really do "get it"
If she is not taking bio-identical hormones her symptoms scream that she needs too, sounds like a mild anti depressant for short term would not hurt either..she needs to discuss this with her DR.
I think its a bit of a rush to file for divorce she is trying to escape problems that a divorce will not solve,,,glad for the counseling...If you go to church ask you Pastor/Preist for help too.
There is a female medication that is a libido booster...must ask Dr.
Cheers
Cherie we have a wonderful divorce forum if you think that may help with some issues.
please feel free to pm me Im recently divorced had a full hyster so I really do "get it"
I think that when a woman files for divorce and in fact gets divorced, there is rarely any possibility of talking her into being the loving woman you remember from before. I certainly would not start reading her stuff that suggests her hysterectomy turned her into an emotional basket case and if she would just come to her senses she would realize that she still loves you and apologize and you would all be fine again. You really can't argue someone into loving you again.
It might be that having to have you away for a year and then face such a life-altering surgery alone was very traumatic and made her wonder what she was even married for. You'll never know the "what ifs." That was a long time for her to feel alone and unsupported.
At least she is working on things with a therapist, and even better, you have a civil (even friendly) relationship and are connected through the children. I would focus on them, if you want to keep a good relationship with her. Before our son was born, my husband could do his best for me by being concerned with my boring issues and events and life moments. Nowadays, his best bet if he wants to turn me into a purring kitten is to be solicitous and sympathetic and interested in our son, not me. I melt and approve of him greatly when I see him set down his newspaper or stop watching TV so he can read our son a book. It's the primary importance to me, our son's happiness, and if he thinks so too, he is OK in my book.
It might be that having to have you away for a year and then face such a life-altering surgery alone was very traumatic and made her wonder what she was even married for. You'll never know the "what ifs." That was a long time for her to feel alone and unsupported.
At least she is working on things with a therapist, and even better, you have a civil (even friendly) relationship and are connected through the children. I would focus on them, if you want to keep a good relationship with her. Before our son was born, my husband could do his best for me by being concerned with my boring issues and events and life moments. Nowadays, his best bet if he wants to turn me into a purring kitten is to be solicitous and sympathetic and interested in our son, not me. I melt and approve of him greatly when I see him set down his newspaper or stop watching TV so he can read our son a book. It's the primary importance to me, our son's happiness, and if he thinks so too, he is OK in my book.
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