What about the other woman/man?

[mami1323]

I used to go back and forth with whether or not the other woman was to blame.  Over time I became somewhat "obsessed" with this other woman.  Finding out what she looked like, when I saw her pic wondering why he liked her so much since to me, she was not that attractive.  I focused all my energy and anger on her, even though I know he was the one who made the commitment to me, I still had such hatred for her.  Just wondering what other's opinions are on this subject.

[teko]

I think it is normal to hate the person that cheated with our significant other. We can safely do that and not risk anything with our partner. We are "allowed" to do that and neither party can blame us for feeling that way either. In the reality of the situation tho, it takes two to cheat and both are equally responsible. In our eyes tho, it helps to think that the other party lured them into it and maybe they did. However, as I said it takes two with the same urge to carry it out and in its wake, leaves a path of destruction so wide that only a few can put the pieces back together again. I have total respect for that few. They are much bigger than I am.

[lor662]

A man or woman already taken,,would i feel would have bad qualitys,,they are lieing to there partner to be with you,how could any-one feel good and atracted to a person like that,,your relationship is based on lies and if they did leave there partner for you,,how would you trust them not to do the same to you,,,people who cheat are looking for who no,thats why most of them are unatractive,,they dont care,,so they are not all that,,men and woman who cheat eventually look down on them,,because they say to them selves what kind of person openly date or chase an attached person,,,in my opinion its the one who cheated on you is tottaly at fault,,and the misstress is just that a misstress,,are spouses know what they are after the aftermath,,,thats why they beg for forgiveness

[mami1323]

Think of how much anger I still have...lol. Your husband is right though. Forge ahead.

[lovemykids465]

Ugh! Just thinking about the texts makes me angry all over again. My husband says to not dwell on it to let it go before it eats me up. Seems to effect my moods but he says he understands why I would be upset but what is done is done and we can not change it so we just need to forge ahead. He is right but it still ticks me off.

[lovemykids465]

I don't know but in her words they were not cheating because they were just talking about work and her problems, yet I saw the text she sent when she was tanning saying right now I am taking off my shirt how does that make you feel. Thank God according to records he did not reply but who knows what else was sent at other times. I found out she was doing this with another married man in the office too but he was smart enough to stop it right away.

[mami1323]

It is odd to find women or men who've been cheated on who are going after those who are taken. You would think they know how it feels to be hurt and on the other side of the pain. Why would they then do it to someone else?

[lovemykids465]

Thanks for the man's point of view! I think you are right in her case. She has a child from a previous boy friend who is now in jail for domestic abuse  and the one before that cheated on her. I guess she wanted what I have but I did tell her that by pursuing my husband and in turn him responding to her made him everything she said she hated in a man yet she told him he was everything she wanted. A man who would love his family, support them, not put them at risk or abandon them yet that is what she wanted him to do to us. Funny!

[sammy73]

If a guy is already taken, it shows he must be worth having!  Any guys who are single (particularly once into 30s and beyond), and therefore available, are clearly either undesirable, or have been dumped due to some personality failure, or have dumped their partner (and so might dump you), or are incapable of commitment, or are incapable of a relationship.  Why would you want to go for someone like that?

Or maybe it's just that some people get a thrill from taking something that's not theirs.  Forbidden fruit is always more exciting than what is freely available.

Just some theories...

As for why a man might want a married woman?  Well, for plenty of men, the only criteria that matter are:
a) she's adequately attractive
b) she's willing.
Any issues beyond that are pretty irrelevant.

[mami1323]

I don't understand why women go after married men.  I guess they have commitment issues themselves or they like the thrill of the chase.  A man that is taken is such a turnoff in my eyes.  I just don't understand why anyone would want to be second to anyone else.

[sammy73]

Honestly - I think if a woman clearly declares herself to be available, and in this situation my wife did, then it is reasonable for a man to consider her "fair game".  He must have known pretty quickly, if not straight away, that we were still sharing a home, but she could easily have told him that we were separated, and only living together for the sake of the kids and practicality (which wasn't strictly true at the time they first met), and he wouldn't have known any different.  And meeting as they did on an internet forum, there would likely have been as much pursuing from my wife as there was from him.

Some guys wouldn't consider having sex with a woman who was still sharing a home with a guy, even if she said they were separated, but I don't think that, strictly speaking, this guy broke any "rules".  But I still hate him.

[lovemykids465]

You say you can't say he did anything wrong, but he did if he knew your wife was married. Yes she was wrong and she made the choice to hurt you but he was also wrong for pursuing a woman who was already in a committed relationship. I found out the other woman in our situation targets married men. Why, I have no clue but I think it makes her evil.

[sammy73]

I went through the stage of hating the other guy.  Like several have already said, it's much easier to feel hate for them, a stranger you've never met and have no other connection with, than for your partner - particularly if you still love your partner and want to get back with them.

I found out that they'd met on an internet forum.  I joined the forum under a made-up name, and left a pretty vicious personal message for him.  He never replied; I don't know if he told my wife, she never mentioned it to me.  I certainly felt an urge inside me to follow my wife and find out where he lived, and key his car or knife the tyres, or throw rocks through his windows.  The urge was there, but I resisted it.

I don't think the descriptions above of "the other woman" apply to this "other guy".  There isn't any of this neediness, or low self-esteem, or thinking that by winning her he was better than me, none of that.  He just enjoyed f***ing her - period.  I have a gut instinct that he was also married, but I really don't know, and I don't have any gut instinct about whether his wife (if she existed) knew what he was up to.  If he was married, then he wouldn't have had any qualms or guilt about what he was doing to me, or my family, because it's no different to what he was doing to his own family.

The rage and hatred has subsided now (helped by the fact that she's ended it with him, and now admits it was a big mistake).  In reality I can't say he did anything "wrong" really, in terms of me or my family (he obviously was wrong in terms of his own wife, if married) - she had effectively advertised herself as available, so he merely accepted what was on offer.  But that didn't stop me hating him.

[lor662]

Yes maybe,,but i always treated him the same way,,he looked good when he had his affair,,he lost weight shaved,dressed better,,i liked it,,after the affair he gained it all back still looks like the same old, same old,,except personality wise,,i think he is just comfortable with me,that he feels its ok to be this way,,i told my husband i always loved him for who he was,,but he is not that anymore,,which leaves me wondering,,why i even bother,,he always tries to be better than me always,,now he is a possesive of me,,men look at me,,he trips on me,,he was never like this,,,and honestly even befor the affair,,i had second thoughts about us,,and after the affair it was just worse,,he always ran me down,,spoiled my special occasions,,with smart remarks etc..so he put me through some,,and i never cheated,,

[mami1323]

I think I can see in a way why your husband sort of looked to another woman:

"i can honestly say i found him unatractive the way he was,,but i put up with it,,and if i would say something about it he would get upset,,saying things like you think your all that, stuff like that."

Now I'm not saying this was any excuse but I think he in his man brain needed to feel good about himself again and since you might not have been attracted to him he needed to feel wanted and so she made him feel that way.  It was an ego boost for him.  So in a way, he was insecure and she made him feel secure again.  

Also, I think he's feeling possesive because he knows he messed up and now fears you may do it back to him.  

[lor662]

Yes i was also faithful,when i met my husband he took care of himself,,as years go by he let himself go,,i would buy him cologne and say look what i got on sale,,not true,,but hey i tried,,i loved him for what and who i thought he was,,i accepted him for that,,he let him self go ,gained a belly but as long as he was happy,,i did not let my self go,,for real..i can honestly say i found him unatractive the way he was,,but i put up with it,,and if i would say something about it he would get upset,,saying things like you think your all that, stuff like that,,for real when we got are sports car it tottaly whent up to his head,,for real,,he met his affair partner,,lost some weight,,etc,,i would come home from work and said wow,,where have you been,,we no longer have that car,,we have a van now,,lol now to be honest my husband is tottaly possesive of me,,he never was befor,,im still stuck though in that place with him on my part,,just cant forget it all

[mami1323]

I also know I was a good woman.  Faithful, honest, respectful.  I know for a fact I didn't deserve what I got but I know if he loses me, that's his loss and he will know it to.  I can't do anymore than I've already done.  

[lor662]

Yes you are right,,my husband is 5 feet seven,,and 202 pounds,and not muscle,,this woman he was with looked also older for her age,,more like late 40s,,and she just had one child,,her seperated husband who told me about the affair was all grey and overweight,,so maybe she was attracted to this type of man,,but to add my husband is very outgoing,,easy to like to another,,,this man also told me she was very possesive of other woman and my husband also said the same thing,,so if she would have seen me instead of hearing about me,,im sure she would have gone crazy,,so i no its not all about looks,,but remember when we met are husbands how we felt,,there is no doubt as years go by,,kids finances etc,come to play,we are not number one like befor and they are not at some level,,but thats part of the sacrafices we make,,everyday i told my husband i love you,,no matter what,,so i dont think what teko said was correct,,we did not have affair,,and we are not to blame,,long realationships and familys have there share of our lives we created with are spouse,,so the person haveing the affair made the choice to stray,,not us,,i dont need my ego boosted ,,from anyone,,i feel these woman who willingly are second to us actually send them back to us as changed men who realize what they have done,,but to us damage is what we get, disruptive lives and lost trust and sacrafices,are world is shattered cause after all we as woman sacraficed for these men,,showed us hurt and disrespect,,and now its all up to us,,we actually are given a choice now from them,,not like when they decided to go have an affair when we were not given a choice right,,cause they made it for us,,what good woman and mothers we are

[mami1323]

Oh and to add, she was 6 years older than him and looked more like 10 years older.

[mami1323]

I know for a fact looks aren't everything.  I had thought my fiance would cheat on me with a gorgeous girl.  I mean I think he's very attractive.  He's got a great body, he's physically fit and he's got a good personality.  So I had assumed he would go for this young, physically fit, hot chick at the gym.  She was physically fit but she had a very plain body, she was firm but no breasts, no butt, no curves.  Which is what he goes for.  She had a huge nose, lazy eyes and no lips, stringy hair.  She looked like she was once a man.  I'm not trying to be mean but this is the truth.  I asked what it was, since I knew it wasn't looks.  I asked if she was funny and he said a little bit.  I guess that hurt to hear because I always thought we laughed together.  But I think it was more that she catered to him.  Oh, I love you, you are so sweet, what a strong good looking guy you are....blah blah blah.  Made him feel special, like a big man.  I didn't feel I needed to do that since he already knew it was how I felt.  I was too busy changing, feeding and caring for our child to do this for him.  I don't think any of it is looks.

[lor662]

Just thought i would add this lol,,my husband let him self go a little,he has the big belly going on,did not shave like he did haveing his affair,,i always took care of myself everyday,,i look younger then him ,im 5 years older then him,,the woman he had an affair with was his age,,she was not prettier than me,,and im not just saying that,,he even told me she was ugly,,i never told him i thought she was ugly,,not only was she unatractive she did not even have a personality,,,,so i know there was a reason for the affair on his part,,my husband told me she told him,i heard your wife was very good looking,,my husband confessed this to me,,so looks are not everything,,what you think

[mami1323]

Lol...she's probably dreading that game to.  I'm sure these women know our wrath.  

[lovemykids465]

Thanks ladies. I am laughing so hard my boss wants to know whats going on! And yes, they are my babies. Always will be. Would not trade it for the world. I was told I would never have them so what they may not be perfect in others eyes but they are perfect to and for me! And yes Mami she definitely made our marriage stronger I even told her that.

[megochick101]

I'm so sorry to hear about the problems with your babies, well not babies anymore but i think that's how i'll always think of mine :)

As to her being at the baseball game. Just smile and be happy with your family like Lor said, on the outside at least, in your mind you can imagine yourself beating the **** out of her, and that just may make you smile even more, and will confirm to her that you are happiness with your family and make her feel like ****. Plus i'm sure an imaginary a$$kicking will make you feel tremendously better :)

[mami1323]

I agree, I would want to beat the sh!t outta this wh*re but lor is right, show them that they didn't break up our home and we are now happy.  Who knows, she might've just made your marriage stronger.  So you go and thank her for that.