What about the other woman/man?

[mami1323]

I used to go back and forth with whether or not the other woman was to blame.  Over time I became somewhat "obsessed" with this other woman.  Finding out what she looked like, when I saw her pic wondering why he liked her so much since to me, she was not that attractive.  I focused all my energy and anger on her, even though I know he was the one who made the commitment to me, I still had such hatred for her.  Just wondering what other's opinions are on this subject.

[lovemykids465]

Thanks for the man's point of view! I think you are right in her case. She has a child from a previous boy friend who is now in jail for domestic abuse  and the one before that cheated on her. I guess she wanted what I have but I did tell her that by pursuing my husband and in turn him responding to her made him everything she said she hated in a man yet she told him he was everything she wanted. A man who would love his family, support them, not put them at risk or abandon them yet that is what she wanted him to do to us. Funny!

[sammy73]

If a guy is already taken, it shows he must be worth having!  Any guys who are single (particularly once into 30s and beyond), and therefore available, are clearly either undesirable, or have been dumped due to some personality failure, or have dumped their partner (and so might dump you), or are incapable of commitment, or are incapable of a relationship.  Why would you want to go for someone like that?

Or maybe it's just that some people get a thrill from taking something that's not theirs.  Forbidden fruit is always more exciting than what is freely available.

Just some theories...

As for why a man might want a married woman?  Well, for plenty of men, the only criteria that matter are:
a) she's adequately attractive
b) she's willing.
Any issues beyond that are pretty irrelevant.

[mami1323]

I don't understand why women go after married men.  I guess they have commitment issues themselves or they like the thrill of the chase.  A man that is taken is such a turnoff in my eyes.  I just don't understand why anyone would want to be second to anyone else.

[sammy73]

Honestly - I think if a woman clearly declares herself to be available, and in this situation my wife did, then it is reasonable for a man to consider her "fair game".  He must have known pretty quickly, if not straight away, that we were still sharing a home, but she could easily have told him that we were separated, and only living together for the sake of the kids and practicality (which wasn't strictly true at the time they first met), and he wouldn't have known any different.  And meeting as they did on an internet forum, there would likely have been as much pursuing from my wife as there was from him.

Some guys wouldn't consider having sex with a woman who was still sharing a home with a guy, even if she said they were separated, but I don't think that, strictly speaking, this guy broke any "rules".  But I still hate him.

[lovemykids465]

You say you can't say he did anything wrong, but he did if he knew your wife was married. Yes she was wrong and she made the choice to hurt you but he was also wrong for pursuing a woman who was already in a committed relationship. I found out the other woman in our situation targets married men. Why, I have no clue but I think it makes her evil.

[sammy73]

I went through the stage of hating the other guy.  Like several have already said, it's much easier to feel hate for them, a stranger you've never met and have no other connection with, than for your partner - particularly if you still love your partner and want to get back with them.

I found out that they'd met on an internet forum.  I joined the forum under a made-up name, and left a pretty vicious personal message for him.  He never replied; I don't know if he told my wife, she never mentioned it to me.  I certainly felt an urge inside me to follow my wife and find out where he lived, and key his car or knife the tyres, or throw rocks through his windows.  The urge was there, but I resisted it.

I don't think the descriptions above of "the other woman" apply to this "other guy".  There isn't any of this neediness, or low self-esteem, or thinking that by winning her he was better than me, none of that.  He just enjoyed f***ing her - period.  I have a gut instinct that he was also married, but I really don't know, and I don't have any gut instinct about whether his wife (if she existed) knew what he was up to.  If he was married, then he wouldn't have had any qualms or guilt about what he was doing to me, or my family, because it's no different to what he was doing to his own family.

The rage and hatred has subsided now (helped by the fact that she's ended it with him, and now admits it was a big mistake).  In reality I can't say he did anything "wrong" really, in terms of me or my family (he obviously was wrong in terms of his own wife, if married) - she had effectively advertised herself as available, so he merely accepted what was on offer.  But that didn't stop me hating him.