Depression - dealing with pregnant family members

[Moonflower09]

I need help.  We've been trying to concieve for a year now.  We had one successful pregnancy a year ago, but lost the baby in October.  Since then, nothing.  It is so hard dealing with pregnant family members.  Since our loss, two girls in our family have gotten pregnant, one just giving birth August 2nd, and the other is due October 11.  Of course, BOTH their due dates correspond with the date of our conception for the first, and the date of our loss for the second.  Life for me certaintaly has it's way of laughing at me in my face.  I was once very close to the first girl, but her actions through her pregnancy and during my mc have been so hurtful.  She blew my mc off like it was "no big deal", and has been very insensitive during her pregnancy.  She made comments to me that I was resentful of her becuase she was pregnant and I wasn't.  I didn't want to go to thier duel baby showers and she acted like that was completely unacceptable.  I even tried to explain to her that it was hard for me and she just went off to the other girl about me and talked very horriably about me behind my back.  She has no idea as to the pain I'm going through and how hard this has been for me.  I've need support and all I've gotten is the cold sholder and bad mouthed.  

Now the baby is here with the other due shortly after.  It's so hard to go to family events when they are there.  We have one coming up tomorrow.  They will be bringing the new baby for the first time and everyone is SO excited.  I'm really dreading this and thinking of not going.  I can't bear it anymore.  We CAN'T get pregnant.  We have activiely been trying again since December and nothing.  I've had very wierd periods over the last 9 months.  Worse than they ever were before.  My cycles are so out of whack.  I was late by three days this last time and just knew we finally hit it, but nope.  It came on anyway, only lasted for 1 full day, stopped, then started back again and was full of thick, dark clots.  I have no idea what's going on with my body.

We got pregnant the first time so easy.  Only tried for one month, then the next - pregnant.  Then I lost it, and now 9 months, nothing.  I'll be 40 soon and it's so hard to accept that it may (and probably) will never happen now.  Being around these girls, watching them go through thier perfectly healthy pregnancies, and having thier beautiful babies is too much to bear.  I know I should be happy for them, and I truly am, but they are a consitant reminder of my pain.  Especially after the first girl said I was being resentful of her.  It's such a hard situation.  We never announced we were pregant, mainly because the weekend we were going to at a family event, she kept telling me and my husband we really should wait becuase of the risk of mc.  I was 8 weeks along and my husband was so excited and ready to tell everyone.  She kept telling him and me that that was a really bad idea, we should wait until after 12 weeks....  so we didn't...  I wish now we would have because having our families support would have been helpful, and of COURSE when she got pregnant they announced it at 8 weeks on Christmas.  

This has made me so depressed.  Any advice?

[Moonflower09]

Thank you. I did go today. It's my husband's birthday and he really wanted me to go. They brought the baby. It was absolutly the hardest to see. Not one word from her or the other girl (8 months pregnant) was said to me. They completely ignored me. I came home and cried and I've been on the verge of tears all day. It's hard. Today was the day we concieved our child. Or somewhere close to that one year ago. It was all my husband said he wanted for his birthday..... My heart is truly broken.

[ArmyPrincess819]

Don't give up.....Hang in there

[pb95]

I'm so sorry for all of your losses.  No one should have to go through such pain yet so many of us have.  As far as I see it, someone who can say something so stupid and heartless doesn't understand and never will unless it happens to them.  

Don't go anywhere you don't want to or see anyone you don't want to and don't feel bad about it.  You should surround yourself with people who make you feel good and if this person can't be avoided, don't go. You don't need to explain yourself or worry about what they say about you.  Do what is best for you and avoid stress anywhere possible.  I went to a family party once shortly after my miscarriage and I was getting strange looks from my brother, like I could see that he was hurting for me.  This was nice he felt for me but it was making me uncomfortable and people were noticing so before anything embarassing happened that would make me cry, I just picked up and left without saying goodbye.  If people don't understand your words, maybe they will understand your actions.  Give it some time and if you feel okay going back then do.  You come first.

I can tell from your stories how strong you are.  I wish you the best and instead of giving up hope remember how amazing all of us on med help think you are.  Everything you are feeling is so normal.  I hope the hugs we all send and time will help you.

[megancannon]

I totally know how you feel. I recently lost my third child, on December 6th 2009. I delivered my first baby prematurely on October 10th 2008. My son died 22 minutes after he was born while I was holding him. I had such a terrible experience. I was in the hospital for 2 days on medications and put upside down in a bed. I developed a life threatning infection from being dilated for 2 days. One of the medications caused me to stop breathing. When my son was born, i also hemorrhaged. My family really wasn't there for me and my husband. They kind of acted like because I wasn't full term, it wasn't as bad. (I was 20 weeks.) Which is absolutely ridiculous because I still had to deliver my perfect baby boy and then water him die. It was the most heartbreaking thing and I never thought I would be able to move on. My husband and I will never forget our son, but it seems like people expect us to move on so quickly. My husband is in the marines and so is my sisters husband. Her husband came back from Iraq a few days after our son died. While my husband and I were on the way to the funeral home to have him cremated my sister called me and informed me she was upset my husband did not call her husband to tell him welcome home. We never got a phone call to tell us he was sorry for the death of our son. 8 months later I got pregnant again. A week later I had a miscarriage. I never even made it to my first ultrasound. This was such a disappointment and I felt like I was given a beautiful blessing and then it was ripped out of my hands. two months later we decided to try again. My pregnancy with our daughter was such a blessing. I was watched closely by maternal fetal specialist. I had ultrasounds every week and my cervix was checked as well. In between appointments, I went into premature labor just like i had with my son. I was in labor for 9 hours and while i was pushing our daughters brain hemorrhaged and she died before we even got to see her. This has been the most terrible thing and I feel so heart broken. My best friends baby was due a little over a month after my daughter died. Her husband was in Afghanistan and I had promised to be her labor partner. I felt to bad to tell her I couldn't do it because she was all alone. I sucked up my pain and went with her, I cut her babys cord. She had a c-section so I also went with her son to the nursery while he got his first shorts. I gave him his first bath, changed his first diaper. Slept with her in the hospital and took care of him on his first night so she could sleep. It was so painful for me, I felt like it should have been my time. I live in a military town and honestly, like every other women you see is pregnant. The rest of them have babies. I get that lump in my throat holding back tears all the time. Both of my sisters have 2 children and almost all of my friends are pregnant or have babies. No one will ever understand our pain unless they have walked in our shoes. It takes a strong women to go through the things we have. People don't understand because they haven't been where we have been. Stay strong, know your baby is always watching over you. If you are feeling down and needing support, talk to your baby. I still talk to my children every night and blow them kisses before bed. My husband and i get balloons or birthdays and holidays and let them go. If you ever need someone to vent to, you can email me. God bless.

[Moonflower09]

I do feel like giving up hope.  I think I already have....

[ArmyPrincess819]

I'm sorry for your loss. My best advice is talk to a reproductive specialist. The only reason I say that is your age they will put you through a bunch of testing to make sure everything is a ok etc. I'm sorry your depressed it must be very diffacult. Don't lose hope, stay the course and keep your chin up. Smile even when you feel like crying fight even when you feel like giving up but just know this your not alone! I have learned along the way the grass is always greener on the other side as well as God never gives us what we can't handle. I'm not overly religious but I truly believe that. I would post this question in the fertility forum as well there are women in there I'm sure whom may be full of help and have some words of wisdom! I'm here anytime you need to talk. Good luck and best wishes to you!

AP