Miscarriage and depression in relationship?

[miff23]

Hi everyone,

I have recently joined and found reading the site so helpful and just have a question for ladies in a similar position to myself. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks in September, it was our first, and now almost 5 months later I feel ready to up and leave my relationship. I am not happy and do not love my partner. He thinks that it is the grief and may be depression of loosing the baby but I feel fine. I have grieved, as I couldnt get out of bed for the first week, and think I will always be sad for our loss. Does anyone else understand? Do others feel this way towards their partners or have I just simply realised that this is not the man for me? Thanks for any help.

Sara x

[brittguinn]

i know exactly how you're feeling! i also had a miscarriage in september. my husband and i have only been married 7 months but at times its like i cant stand him anymore. i really do think it has to do with the miscarriage. i grieved for my baby also and for a month or so our relationship was rocky but okay. it seems to me that our problems may be from the stress of trying again. i hope things get better for the both of us

[tamtam305]

i can understand how u r feeling, i can only share my experiance with u but u need to follow your own heart ok. i lost a baby last april and had to have a d n c. i went for ultrasounds every 2nd day for 2 weeks i hardly slept as i layed awake preying to god not to take my baby and please help me make it ok. i carried the fetus inside me for 2 weeks as i couldnt let go. i was devistated. i have been married for 12 yrs with 6 children, i knew emotionally i was on my own. i went into surgery and when my husband picked me up he informed me he had been out looking at new mobile phones and he wanted to go back to the westfields and get it as the hospital desterbed him to come and get me while he was making a phone choice. i was dumb found of his coldness and i just walk to my car and there i sat while he went and chose his phone crying my eyes out over my loss. i got home and i layed there for a whole week just crying. even though no one will ever ubnderstand how i feel i never thought of leaving him. he deserves that i now but we all react in all different ways and its only what your heart tell u to feel is that u can only follow. this has put a wedge between us yes but im alive for me and my children and with that gives me all i need . best of luck love and maybe try councling or even talk to your dr ...

[adgal]

This is one of those posts that has really stayed with me and I have been thinking about it.  What Carla says makes an awful lot of sense as well.  Any time we face any kind of fertility issues, be it trouble conceiving or miscarrying, it can be very stressful.  So although we never got to the point of splitting up, be did bicker more.  It is such an emotional and stressful time for many.  Thinking of you, and wishing you well.

[CarlaLP]

I am terribly sorry for your loss. My husband and I have not been through a miscarriage yet but we have been through many challanges in regard to TTC and have many ahead. I feel that most of the challanges have brought us closer, but there were times that I felt as you do. During my IVF we were close but argued a lot. Then when I became pregnant but found out we were SUPER high risk due to momo twins and a blood clot we fought a lot over how to proceed in what seems to be a hopeless and difficult situation. I love my husband yet I understand that the stresses of trying to start a family, and all the horrible ups and downs along the way, can really put stress on a relationship. Sometimes people feel that leaving the partner puts a bad situation "out of sight, out of mind."

As long as you have thought long and hard about it- follow your heart. It may indeed be time for you to move on and find a partner that you truly love and want to be with. If that is the case don't let your current partner convince you otherwise.

Good luck to you.

[miff23]

Thank you so much for your responses ladies, I really do appreciate them x

[sunnieday34]

I meant to say....  "was your partner supportive and helpful during the pregnancy AND miscarriage.    Not just miscarriage.

[sunnieday34]

I am so sorry for your loss.
Maybe the miscarriage had something to do with it. Was your partner supportive and helpful after the miscarriage? Did he react the way you wanted him to? Maybe if things didn't go so well in that way at the time of the miscarriage it caused you to have some resentment towards him. Maybe it made you see him n a new light.  I agree with adgal when she said "a major event making you closely examine the relationship " maybe you just noticed that he might not be there for you the way you needed over this, and if you have a baby with him the same thing might happen.  .????
Please take it from me, if you feel he is not the perfect man for you don't stay. But on the other hand, emotions can run wild after a miscarriage as they do after a full term delivery and maybe if you thought he was the perfect man before, it could be the emotions being unstable. If you had doubts before, maybe this made you realize the truth about your relationship, and just might give you the power you need to find what you do want.
Please think carefully about how you really felt before the pregnancy. You need time to determine if this is the pregnancy/miscarriage talking, or just realizing the truth.
Please take care, and be nice to yourself. xxxxxxxxxx.
Sunshine
P.S. I actually married a man I thought was the man for me. Once I got pregnant, I saw that he was an unsupportive, selfish person. There was nothing I could do at that point but build resentment and hatred towards him and cry for my poor baby with parents like that. There was nothing I felt I could do, and lived with it for a long time. I am in a perfect beautiful marriage now, but my biggest and only regret in life is not leaving way back then. When I looked back I could see the red flags. If you see red flags about the three months you were pregnant, please go. Feel free to send a private message to me if you want to talk. Take care, I will worry about you today! xxxxx

[adgal]

I had now had 6 miscarriages.  I have grieved, gone through depression and even had to enter therapy for awhile to help me deal with it.  But I have never ever thought of leaving my husband.  I have to agree with jenkaye.  I doubt it's the loss that is making you want to leave, but a major event that has made you closely examine the relationship.  You might want to give marriage counselling a try before making such a big decision (just a thought), but I find it unlikely it would be the result of your loss.  I wish you well and hope all works out for you.  

[mjmom69]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I totally agree with jenkaye. My miscarriage and D&C was horrible but my DH helped me and I felt closer to him because of it so I would say you are seeing things clearly. I'm sorry for him but it will be best for you both not to stay with someone you do not love. Good luck

[jenkaye21]

You know what, I haven't been in your position, but I can imagine that a major event in your life-- like a m/c-- could clarify your relationship make you see it in a new light.  If you really feel that way, maybe it is best to end it before you end up with a baby with someone you don't love and are unhappy with.  
I was devastated over the loss of our little one @ 12 wks, but I didn't find myself upset with my hubby.  In fact, he was wonderful thru the m/c and d&c and I loved him more than ever.  So no, I don't think your feelings are caused by the m/c.  It sounds like you have greived and are over it.  Yes, you will probably always be a little sad and think about the baby that may have been.
Best wishes to you and I hope you make a decision that makes you happy.  Condolences on your loss.  xx