Aa
Let by-gones be by-gones?
I know this may seem a little odd...but I havent stopped thinking about it in 6 years. One night I was at a restaurant with my bf and had some serious cramping goin on so I went to the bathroom and out popped a large twinky sized clot. I was too nervous to tell anyone and I didnt think I was prengant. But its been buggin me all these years and I just decided to google it and now realize that I had miscarried. 2 years later I left my bf with our then 6 month old son. We are still in contact and hes a good dad to our son and sees him regularily but I havent been able to get this day off my mind. Im wondering if theres any point in telling him what had happened so many years ago or if I should just let by-gones be by-gones?
Best Answer
If you feel like you should tell him, then you should. If it will help you come to closure then I would say go for it. However please be prepared that he may want to know why you didn't tell him before.
I don't think that all men react but some do. My df took it as hard as I did when we lost our baby last month. He didn't show it like I did but you could tell. Everywhere we seen pregnant women or heard about babies. He would get angry about it. He didn't want to hear about it. At first, I thought I was just talking about it way too much and that he didn't care but really he was hurting and didn't want to deal with it. I didn't realize until last week what was going on with him. I crochet to make extra money and brought up the idea of making booties and baby beanies to sell because he knew I had finally came to terms with the loss. He thought he had to but when he come home from work, I had a bunch made and it hit him once he actually seen them. He then got very upset. Saturday he finally was able to talk about it. He admired that seeing the baby stuff that wasn't for our baby was hard. Then hearing about all the other pregnant women and knowing that we had lost the baby.... It hurt him as badly as it did me but he just reacted different.
I don't think that all men react but some do. My df took it as hard as I did when we lost our baby last month. He didn't show it like I did but you could tell. Everywhere we seen pregnant women or heard about babies. He would get angry about it. He didn't want to hear about it. At first, I thought I was just talking about it way too much and that he didn't care but really he was hurting and didn't want to deal with it. I didn't realize until last week what was going on with him. I crochet to make extra money and brought up the idea of making booties and baby beanies to sell because he knew I had finally came to terms with the loss. He thought he had to but when he come home from work, I had a bunch made and it hit him once he actually seen them. He then got very upset. Saturday he finally was able to talk about it. He admired that seeing the baby stuff that wasn't for our baby was hard. Then hearing about all the other pregnant women and knowing that we had lost the baby.... It hurt him as badly as it did me but he just reacted different.
he is not going to underdstand... men dont comprehend the issues we go through with losing a child even very early on. if you need to tell him for closer tell him but dont expect a big reaction
well yout getting it off your chest now, right? So yu must want him to know for some reason? DIdnt you say it was over?
ya, thats what i was thinking...it has nothing to do with what hed say, or how hed react, its just to get it off my mind and tell someone...the only one that it would matter to. its not like theres anything he can do about it, but i dont know, i just feel like he kinda has a right to know and that maybe if he does know then i can move forward...?
If it was me and if it was bothering me...I would say something just for closure purposes. I probably wouldn't flat out say I had a miscarriage cause I wouldn't know 100%. I would prob say this has been bothering me for sometime but that one time we went out to eat... this happened. You will probably feel better once its off your chest and that's the whole point of telling him so your not thinking about it everyday.
I think men are not as deep as us women.....I would just keep it to myself and move on......
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my first thought is that he has every right to know. he lost a child also (although ignorance is bliss) but thinking of my husband and what he would say, i say you should tell him, not only to hopefully ease the grief for yourself. but because he is 50% of that little one. it is the right thing to do, no matter how he reacts. and you didn't tell him cause you didn't research it until recently and just now realized it could have been a baby. but that its been in your mind so long that you figured looking it up would hopefully help you come to terms with things. follow through on your research and curiousity and share with the father what you found out.
you wont forget it but perhaps sharing in the loss you can move on and it wont bother you so much. that is my opinion though. i've always said go with your gut instinct. do what you feel is right.
with my losses my family and friends were asking me if i was okay. and at night my husband would share with me his grief. and he would say to me "what about the dad?! how come no one asks the dad if he's okay?!?!" no one (other than me) ever asked him how he was doing and how he was coping. but he was hurting just as much as i was. don't assume anything about how he's going to feel. let him tell you how he's feeling.
i'm sorry you had to experience a loss and i hope that you find some relief from your grief.